Never occasionally Breathe.

Sitting in Old Town Fort Collins at a Starbucks.

I am probably waaaay too emotional to be writing a blog but here goes.

I don't know how life happens the way it does.

The more it happens, the more I am convinced that not everything happens for a reason, and we just live in an incredibly broken world.

But the more life happens they more I am equally convinced that people happen for a reason.

I know most of my posts are about how much other people love me, or how much I love other people.

But this is a little about my story and my process.

I am a person.

I am alive.

I make terrible decisions.

A lot of terrible decisions.

But I have made several GREAT decisions.

I chose to go to school.

I chose to study music.

I chose the friends I have today.

I chose to eat healthier.

I chose to grow, even in the hard things that happen.

I chose to be full of sass.

I chose to learn and grow everyday.

I chose to look at adversary, and not let it over take me, but to let it teach me instead.

I shouldn't be where I am today.

There are far too many times in my life, when I said I don't want to live anymore.

But here I am.

Standing.

Breathing.

Missing school.

Missing friends.

Missing cafeteria food. (yes I miss caf food! It's so much easier to eat healthy there.)

I am full of skill and ability.

Ability to sing. (mmmmm I love to sing)

...to dance. (I love that too)

...to speak goodness, honesty, and encouragement into the lives of people who need it. (I give a mean pep talk)

...to hug people. (I LOVE hugs, can I get and Amen!?)

Life is hard. And there is every reason to give up. But I'm telling you now, there is every reason to not.

Life even in its darkest hour is worth living, because there is nothing in the whole world like breathing.

Breathing doesn't necessarily mean, lungs, air, and oxygen.

Breathing, is the thing that makes you live.

It is that moment when you are standing on stage, going, "this is what I was created to do."

When you are hugging that person that has been crying for days, and they just needed that little bit of hope to get through the day.

Breathing is watching your closest friends, marry the person they love.

Breathing, is drinking the best cup of coffee you've ever had in your life,

Breathing is making floor decorations with tape.

Life is worth breathing in.

Life is worth standing on top of an 11,000 ft mountain and singing amazing grace with asthmatic lungs.

Life is worth kayaking in a bioluminescent bay, with the water sparking across your face.

Life is worth finishing your first year of college with 5 A's and 2 B's, 5 years after you graduated from high school.  

But more often, life is worth just getting up for the day.

Putting 100% of effort into that 10 page paper that you spent a month on,

that math homework you can't understand,

your toddler that hasn't stopped screaming since 4 am,

that job that you have been searching for for over a year,

the hundreds of applications you've put in just to find some sort of work.

the times you had to which bills were more important, electricity or eating?

Those moments of difficulty are a testament to the things we put out into the world.

Today I have every reason to be stressed.

I have every reason to feel beat up and alone.

That is today's reality.

And without sounding like someone who "always look(s) on the bright side of life!" because that is a boldfaced lie.

I'm not going to make that MY reality.

Because my reality looks like, I am sitting in a Starbucks.

Blogging. (Which is another one of my favorite things to do.)

Realizing that my reality isn't caught up in circumstances.

My reality, is that the God of the universe made me who I am.

My reality is that who I am is not shallow, down trodden, or defeated.

My reality, well...I'm breathing.









 
 

Occasionally 'With'

I have this friend.

Okay, I have many friends.

Many GREAT friends.

All whom I adore with every part of me.

But Erinn, has saved me this year.

Last night, we told each other,

"Thank you for being my friend," what seemed like, a million times over.

I mean I am genuinely grateful for all my friends this amount.

But with her and all my girl friends who seem to have made their way's into my heart, I seriously can not stop saying "Thank you."

Erinn has spent the year, being "with" me.

With me, into the long hours of the night when I needed prayer.

With me, loving people that so desperately needed love.

She points me to Jesus in every sense of the phrase.

I don't know if anyone is aware of this fact or not, but school is hard.

So hard.

You're up all hours of the night studying for exams and completing homework assignments that make you question the validity of schooling, not to mention your life existence.

People tend to be rude.

Teachers tend to be tough on you.

And the desire to drown your sorrows in tequila heightens on a daily basis.

But, when you are "with" someone.

Those doubts, lies, and that spirit of defeat seem to wisp away.

It's as if you're not fighting to stay alive by yourself.

It's as if the burdens of this world are shared.

It's as if this is how it's supposed to be!!

There were 10 people in our tiny little dorm room last night.

We were sharing silly stories.

Laughing way too loud.

And my insides got warm.

All these people in my room.

I only knew 7 of them.

But life is about connections right?

It's about the people you meet.

The people who stand with you.

Sometimes life is about the people who stand against you.

But then the people who stand with you remind you who you are.

They remind you of your purpose.

Often times when we feel that no one is with us, it's because we have let the lies of this earth creep in and blur our vision of truth.

The truth is,

I have incredible friends.

I just finished my 1st year of college. With nothing lower than a 'B' I might add.

The truth is,

I have grown this year, in ways I can't even imagine.

My voice has improved. I can literally feel it in my throat.

My acting has improved.

My communication skills have improved.

I kick ass at Math. (I have no idea where that came from)

I looked into the face of the old me who would have given up by now and said "Not today." (On several occasions, okay it might have been a daily occurrence)

And all because Jesus gave me people who are with me.

'Cause that's how it's supposed to be.