I kind of fell apart this semester.
I forgot a lot.
I forgot who I am.
I forgot my purpose and my goals.
I forgot that I am not floating around in space waiting for nothing.
I forgot that I am a force to be reckoned with.
I forgot that I have light that is needed.
I forgot.
I let the stress of school consume me.
I let the fear of trying and doing well freeze me.
I forgot that my identity is not in who the people around me are.
I forgot my identity is in my creator.
I couldn't keep my head down.
I let myself loose focus.
I forgot I was going somewhere.
*15 minutes of procrastinating because being honest with yourself is hard, and exhausting.*
I really let myself down.
I walked into the city, and expected to take it by storm.
I fell really flat.
I did not anticipate the learning curve.
I did not give myself grace to continue moving forward after I fell.
So I fell, beat myself up, fell again, beat my self up again, and the game went round and round.
I dug myself into my own little self pity hole of darkness.
There I stayed, hating who I was.
Hating who I am.
Feeling that terrifying feeling of loosing control of my life.
Again.
I'm so lucky.
That's the crazy part.
I have a great living situation.
I have some pretty incredible friends at school already.
*Snapchat break*
I was reading this book a friend passed to me.
You should all read it.
Falling in love with where you are by Jeff Foster.
It's a book of "inspirational poetry" I use quotations, because some of it is not inspirational, and it's just about us learning to be okay being a mess.
a poem....
A Divine Mess
Fall apart completely
Make a mess
Open up to your glorious inconsistency
Embrace the perfection of your fabulous imperfection
And you will be able to say:
I was there!
I was alive!
I was willing!
This poem wrecked me in the middle of my school day
I had to leave the building because I was feeling the weight of my inconsistency.
I felt claustrophobic.
Like I was busting out of the cage I had put myself in.
All at once I was remembering, through my insecurities, through my stress, and through my failures, I still some how exist as a glorious human.
*two week time lapse*
I need you to know that despite my failures, despite my short comings I am really proud of myself.
Everyday this academic school year, I woke up took the bus to either, work super early in the morning or school at a normal hour.
Then Everyday I rode the bus home.
I went to my classes, I started a new job, moved to a new city, and made new friends that I will have for a life time.
I got really depressed and some how kept going.
I auditioned for shows, was in multiple performances, and sang in a choir.
I learned new things about who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.
I learned how to give myself grace in the midst of failure.
I learned how to speak kindly to myself.
I re-learned that people love me.
I will never understand this.
I learned that I love me.
Even in the midst of failure, of not doing my best, of depression, anxiety, and anger.
I can still love myself.
I need you to know I don't always love myself, and it feels like everyday I am learning again how to love me again, but sometimes it get's easier, and sometimes you remember easier, but not always.
I keep thinking, why am I writing this blog?
I'm writing this specific blog because it's helpful for me to be honest with myself.
But I write this blog, because when we talk of our failures and our short comings, or we shed light on our hurts and broken hearts, we don't isolate ourselves from each other, being honest about our lives, and our weakest moments, allows us to say "me too"
Sometimes it's easy for us to forget we're not the only ones on the planet, or that the bad guys aren't human.
Sometimes it's easy to think we're the only ones who struggle.
I just in these moments of hardship, heartbreak, depression, anxiety, and anger, I wish we could stand together.
I don't wish actually.
I know we can.
We have the power to see each other in these moments of desperation, and ask, how can I help?
We can see people with different ways of life, opinions, dreams, and goals, and ask how can I help.
So, may the spirit of glorious humanity overcome you.
May the breath of life that fills us all rise up within you.
May it cause you to dream of the possibilities.
May your failures, and moments of learning cause you to come along side the people around you and ask how can I help?
And when you're feeling claustrophobic, may it be a catalyst, for growth, change, love, creation, art, and love.
And most of all may you learn to make a giant glorious human divine mess.
