Today I had an acting professor stop me in the hall to gush about how much they loved Godspell. I've never had a class with her, but she and I have similar spirits, so we have a fun and special connection that can not be explained with words, you'd have to see us together.
She and I have not had a ton of time to get to know each other except in passing, twenty minutes here and twenty minutes there, but our conversations are always deep, meaningful and full of laughter.
I've told her a lot about who I am, people I am crushing on, worries about school, my dreams of going to seminary, my dreams of loving people in tangible ways, caring for people and helping others learn to love themselves. It's safe to say she knows the depths of my heart in many ways.
Today, she told me something about herself.
She told me that she grew up catholic and now considers herself to be a "spiritual heathen" to which I replied, "Aren't we all."
She gave the cast of Godspell such high praises as she was so proud of everyone in the show in every way.
She told me that she had always listened to the parables we had told in Godspell many times growing up in a catholic church and school, but the night she came to watch us was the first time she HEARD those parables.
I started to tear up.
I have never in my life, considered myself an actor or a singer, it's just something I do for fun.
But in that moment, I knew I could call myself an actor.
I am so proud of the work we did in Godspell.
I have been in many shows, and I have walked away from all of them with a learning experience.
A new tool in my tool belt if you will.
A new opportunity.
I've always walked away from shows proud of myself, and even when I don't, I intentionally find things that I can be proud about, even if they are small.
I walk away from every show and I am grateful for the opportunity, always sad it is over, always thankful that I can sleep a little extra, and already making a list in my head of things I can do better next time.
There is always something to learn.
But Godspell was different, YES, there are about a dozen things I can list that I could do better if we got the chance to do it again, but I am extra proud of this show.
I showed up and showed out.
For the first time, I was there.
I was IN the show.
I was connected to the other actors, I was grounded in my spirit, and I was reaching out to the audience.
I was honest.
But as my professors eye's welled up telling me that she HEARD the parables we were telling and singing and dancing about....
I just felt it....
I told her I've never been able to call myself an actor before, but this time I could.
She got even tearier....
"You found your voice, Kayla."
I am tearing up as I write this.
This week has been so horrible.
The stench of uncertainty and doom was so ripe this week.
Thoughts of not being on this planet kept crossing my mind.
My thoughts racing every night I went to sleep and every morning I woke up.
Every failure listing themselves in my minds eye, and my heart scrambling with solutions and quick fixes.
I fear lack of legitimacy in this life
I fear not being important, just as we all do I suppose.
But I believe such crazy things, and see and experience God in a such a seemingly rebellious spirit....
I feel like such an outcast.
I feel like I say words, and people stare.
I feel like I exist and people stare.
I feel like I make a decision and people stare.
I feel like people want me to be subdued.
I feel like people want to be quiet.
I feel like people want me to stop bring up injustices.
I feel like people want me to be nice to them when they are homophobic or racist.
I feel like people want me to be less honest.
I feel like people don't care if I am in a room or not.
I feel like people want me to be less exhausting.
I feel like everyone knows how to fix my life except me.
I feel like people doubt every part of who I am, because I am such a loose canon.
I feel like people see me as a stray puppy, I'm cute, but what if I infect them with some insane bug like loving other people.
I feel like everything I do is never good enough.
I feel like I've been wanting to go to seminary for the wrong reasons.
I feel like I want to go to seminary because that will suddenly make me legitimate.
I am seeking closeness to God therefore, I must have some weight to my opinion and theology.
Seeking God is how you get close to him, how you learn about him and how your opinion becomes weighted in the Christian community.
You know the commandment "Thou shalt not take the Lords name in vain."
That's not about saying "Oh my God." in disbelief or shock.
That commandment is about proclaiming to be a follower or God and then doing the opposite.
Like hoarding money.
Like ignoring the homeless.
Like being racist and not acknowledging your white privilege.
Like being homophobic and claiming you are not homophobic you just believe that God calls it a sin so you don't condone "homosexuals."
We as Christians speak so much opinion and repeat so much of what a pastor said without ever seeking a professional opinion.
We quote the Bible, but have ZERO context for how or why it was written, you know who might? A biblical scholar.
We explain creationism as if that is THE scientifically proven way the earth was created, but we have ACTUAL scientific proof that evolution was to blame for our existence, and we REFUSE to acknowledge that our God is big enough to have used Evolution for creation, and there is NO WAY IN HEK that the person who wrote Genesis would lie to us! You know who might know how the earth was created? A scientist. And if the thought of science proving our existence makes us huffy, how small is our God?
We SCREAM Merry Christmas in people's faces and get pissed at Red Coffee cups, because HOW DARE WE IGNORE CHRISTS BIRTH. Ya'll Christ wasn't even born on Christmas. You know who might know several theories about when he was born? A Historian.
We speak prophetic word. But we don't ACT in prophetic word.
We speak with the tongues of men and angels but have not love.
We're just making noise.
I'm tired of making noise.
I want to speak.
I found my voice.
My prayer voice wasn't lost.
It was stifled.
It was stifled by expectations.
Expectations I allowed to be put on myself by the fear of others thinking I was illegitimate.
I'm so sad.
I am so heart broken.
The world feels like a blizzard and I am walking into the wind, it's against me as I push and stumble slowly through the mounds of snow.
And I allowed myself to believe that it was my fault.
That I was the problem.
How could I love someone who had an abortion?!
How could I love and honor someone who is trans?!
How could I cheer and vote for a flaming liberal socialist?!
How could I believe that Black Lives Matter?!
That question is wrong.
The real question is How can we NOT?!
The hard part isn't loving others.
The hard part is loving ourselves.
It's easy to love others.
It's our own pride and piety that causes us to decide that because we disagree with someone means we still "love them as a person" we just don't agree with their "choices." And that's just simply not what hate is, right?!
It's the same pride and piety that gets us all flustered when someone leaves a mess for us to clean up.
We don't question why they left the mess, just that they left it, and now we are so wildly inconvenienced that we have to clean it up.
We don't have to clean up the mess ya'll!
We can leave it alone and it doesn't change one tiny bit of anything! Literally nothing. Especially if it's not hurting anyone.
If it's hurting someone, we can clean it up and everything will be fine. The world won't explode. The world won't die. We won't die.
If they don't say thank you, we still won't die.
If they don't care, we're still not going to die.
If we clean it up, people aren't going to start assuming that you made the mess in the first place and even if they do, why do you want people who make assumptions around anyways?!
But if we do clean it up....
We did show someone love and care and affection and peace and goodness we showed them that they are not a burden to this world.
This is my voice.
This is my song.
Praising a God that loves and honors his children no matter what mess they've made, choosing to not be inconvenienced by it, and continuing to show himself through the people he created.
I know this feels all over the place but I promise you I have a point.
A lot of my friends have made me feel as if I don't love God enough, or that I am not Christian enough, or my favorite, I live in sin.
Growing up with that mentality really makes your heart strive for wholeness.
When you are constantly taught you are broken and missing something, you never feel whole.
But I've been whole, this whole time.
God does not create incomplete humans.
He created us wholly and without fault.
What if we set down our definitions of sin and we just helped each other clean up each others left over messes?
Because it means we condone their mess?
Because it means we might get something on us and that our clothes will be stained with their sin?
A Rabi once washed all his friends feet after a long day of walking.
It wasn't his job.
It was a major inconvenience for him because he was about to die at the hands of the very people he was cleaning up after.
Then he fed them. Food! and Drink!
You can continue to live in fear of getting sin on your clothes.
You can continue to live in fear of legitimacy.
You can continue to hold onto trivial "biblical" truths like how creation happened or whether or not it's a sin to be gay.
OR...
You can help people clean up their messes.
You can get your hands dirty.
You can speak prophecy over others.
You can assume good intent, even if you know for a fact they are lying to you.
You can remind people they are loved regardless of how legitimate you believe them to be.
You can practice speaking truth and goodness into your own life so that you can practice speaking goodness into others.
Ya'll I don't know what I am going to do about seminary, or school, or theatre, or my life, but I do know that I am going to love all the people that the Bible "tells us" are wrong.
I am going to seek God in each person.
I am going to love and care for myself.
I am going to use my voice.
I am going to sing and act.
God hasn't given me a pulpit yet, but he has given me a stage and a song.
You're welcome to join me.
My table is wide.
My table is long.
It has plenty of seats.
And notably endless song.
It is over flowing with food and overflowing with drink.
We will sing at my table and we will tell glorious stories.
Stories and songs that makes us dream, that makes us think.
Stories that make us laugh out our noses and stories that make us sob uncontrollably.
My creator built my table with 2 fishes and 5 loaves but don't worry, there is plenty as this meal unfolds.
We have a space waiting for you, it's right there at the head of the table.
We'll throw you a giant party when you chose to sit down, you'll even get to wear this old silly crown.
Every word you speak will be heard. Every tear you shed will be collected and shared.
The Spirit is calling you, it's time to rest.
No more trying to decide who is deserving or who is actually learning,
We're all messing up.
We just need to clean up this giant seemingly endless mess.
