A faithful Occasion.

I just had to tell you all about this. 

I am terrible at making adult decisions. 

I put myself in hot water. 

I let problems pile up and pile up until it all just tumbles over on me. 

I'm learning to approach these things when they come. 

I'm learning to take responsibility for my own actions. 

I'm learning to not emotionally abuse myself when I put myself in hot water.

I'm learning that when you do these things, that God gives you grace. 

Unbelievably large, drowning amounts of grace. 

When I did not do all those things, when I let problems pile up...

...he still gave grace. 

I wish I could see myself the way Jesus see's me. 

I wish I didn't allow myself to become distracted. 

I'm learning that walking in faith doesn't just mean I "believe."

I'm learning that having faith is an action. It's not a feeling. 

I'm learning it's real thing.

A real thing I often mess up. 

I suck. 

And somehow, I am learning to be faithful in my suckage. 

Yay for growing up! 

Yay for growing pains! 

Yay for people who don't just see the screw up in me! 

Yay for life! 

The Musical Occasion.

I'm majoring in Music, studying vocal performance.

And I am having a very difficult time.

I mean I love going to choir and voice lessons.

I love my director, my fellow musicians, and my vocal coach.

But every time I sing I can't help but think how awesome everyone else is and how badly I suck.

I'm missing notes, rests, counts, I called an A an H(what the...?), I can't sing my harmonies, I'm lacking breathing technique, and vocal placement.

And that all might sound like a dead language from the depths of the amazon to some of you, but here's my point...

...I suck at singing.

Please don't mistake me.

I am a great singer.

I LOVE to sing. Ask anyone of my friends. I LOVE it.

But I suck.

See I have this dire need to be perfect.

I have this dire need to be able to download a song into my brain and instantly know how to sing it.

Perfectly.

Like the Matrix.

Because of this need, when I don't sing a song perfectly I get so nervous and I can't sing anything at all.

Then I beat the crap out of myself and stop trying.

Just thinking about those moments in class make me vomit a little.

One time my friend Katie Mai (Who is an incredible artist! Facebook stalk her! you won't regret it!)  Said, "I'm finding more and more that art isn't about the end product, it's about the process."

I know right?! She's absolutely brilliant!

I guess I want the product more than I want the process.

Which is why I suck.

Because I don't want to put in the time or the effort to be a phenomenal singer.

I just want the end stuff.

Which probably wouldn't be as awesome without the hard work, tears, and frustrations.

Because without those things, it's not real.

Because real life is messy. At least mine is.

An every day occasion.

Today was Monday.

Monday's have a habitual pattern of major suckage.

Mondays!!! why must you suck?????

I have no answer to that.

I do know however, if I go into Monday with the a bad attitude, Monday is going to chew me up and spit me out.

 So this morning, I woke up, (actually got out of bed, instead of pushing snooze 10 times.)

Actually Showered (instead of thinking about, thinking about showering(that's what hats are for right?!))

I went to breakfast. (whoa! Who knew the school Cafeteria was open that early??)

And I went to class...

...and then my next class...

...5 classes later...I drug myself to my bed and took a nap. (praise Him)

I want to live a life of success and victory,  and I think sometimes that just means I show up.

So today I showed up. I participated in class. I stayed awake.

I have a tendency to emotionally abuse myself when I don't get things right.

I owe myself some grace I guess.

I'm grateful for today.

I'm grateful that I am in school.

I'm grateful that I am learning new things...

...even when those new things make me feel like I'm 2 inches tall and I can't do them.

But I am showing up.

Taking these hard things one day at a time.

So right now I just have to sleep.

I have to sleep well.

Making good choices in the now...

...so I set myself up for success when the next comes around.



MAKE GOOD CHOICES KAYLA! DON'T SUCK!

The Grand Occasion.

This is my first time blogging.

Sometimes I get excited and forget how to type properly...and spell things...and use proper grammar...and breathe...and how to person.

So hang in there.

The desire to start a blog is a really selfish one. It stems from not understanding who I am, who I was meant to be, and how I am supposed to act.

The reality of those things though, is I probably will never, ever come to a place in my life where I will have the whole answer to those questions.

The reality of the unknown, is pretty freeing.

I don't ever HAVE to know who I am, Who I am meant to be, How I am supposed to act.

Cause that's not the point.

So I am in this season of life, where God is teaching me how deny myself.

(Cause lets be honest, I have some not so healthy habits.)

This blog Is about changing the paradigm in which I approach life.  The growing pains that happen when I want to resort to old habits. It's about being stuck between Rocks and Hard places. It's about what it looks like for me to keep walking when I am tired. What it looks like when life has gone dark. When I feel like giving up.

It's about me, seeking God, and sometimes not finding him.

These stories are my failures. My successes. My process. And probably me making a joke because life is uncomfortable and awkward and I don't know how to deal with it unless I make dumb joke.

So again, hang in there, you know, if you're still reading.