Occasionally a Zombie.

World War Z.

Can we talk about Brad Pitt's pepper beard for a sec?

I know RIGHT!?!

If you haven't seen the movie it's about Zombies.

One of this nerd's favorite subjects.

One of my favorite lines from the movie captured my attention this time.

"Mother Nature is a serial killer. No one's better. Or more creative. Like all serial killers, she can't help the urge to want to get caught. What good are all those brilliant crimes if no one takes the credit? So she leaves crumbs. Now the hard part, why you spend a decade in school, is seeing the crumbs. But the clue's there. Sometimes the thing you thought was the most brutal aspect of the virus, turns out to be the chink in its armor. And she loves disguising her weaknesses as strengths."

She loves disguising her weaknesses as strengths.

In the movie, they start injecting themselves with deadly pathogens like meningitis to camouflage themselves from the zombies.  

The Zombies virus was looking for a healthy host to manifest itself in.

They don't realize that the pathogens are the camouflage until the very end of course.

But the idea that what is our weakness is our greatest strength is beautiful to me.

No I understand that this picture they are trying to paint is probably very obvious but let's unwrap it a little.

In the world we are always asked to fix whats wrong with us.

We are asked to get rid of our flaws.

We are asked to change the things that make us weak.

The world tells you you are not worth anything with your weaknesses.

But Jesus tells us differently.

He uses our doubt to make our faith stand on solid ground.

He uses our pain to bring us joy.

He uses our weaknesses to change people's lives.

He uses our brokenness to heal the sick.

I tell you what is most interesting to me about Jesus, he could have came as very large very strong man, big enough avenge us all and save us from our enemies, and save us from evil.

But he came as a baby.

He taught us how to love prostitutes, and thieves, and lepers, and hypocrites, and tax collectors, and murders.

She loves disguising her weaknesses as strengths.

Because they are!!!

Your biggest weakness doesn't define who you are as a person!

Your biggest weakness is a small part of your story that is going to be used to change the world, or maybe a small part of the world, or maybe just you!

But he came as a baby.

He taught us how to love the people who hurt us and the people who hate us, and the people who don't deserve our love, and the people who are ignorant, and the people who don't know how to love people.

She loves disguising her weakness as her strengths!

Because they are!

Your biggest weakness can be turned into your biggest strength because he came as a baby.

Acknowledge your weakness.

Acknowledge that it is not your identity.

Acknowledge that you have some work to do.

Acknowledge that it will not change right away.

Move forward.

Don't stop.

Keep walking.

If you get of the path, don't let it trip you up. Turn around get back on the path and keep walking.

Don't feel sorry for yourself.

Don't makes excuses for yourself.

Keep walking.

Be a Zombie looking for a healthy host to rest in. hahaha =)

Occasionally a Spinster

With everyone my age getting married and having children.

I feel incomplete.

I feel as if I am doing something wrong.

I feel like everyone does....alone.

It's hard being alone.

And people in the world always tell you "encouraging things" like..

"You're not alone, you've got me."

"One day, the right person will come along."

And your heart goes.

"Yea but I don't want to make out with you."

and

"The Right person isn't going to come along. I'm going to be alone, watching all you fools get engaged and married, with my 3 cats and sugar free ice cream so I can pretend I eat healthy, for the rest of life."

And your relatives at family reunions ask "when you're next?"

and they all ask you one at a time so you have to repeat your sad excuses 15 times.

"I'm really trying to work on myself right now."

"I'm really trying to focus on God right now."

"I go to a junior college where the guys are 18 and 19 and I really don't feel like robbing the cradle."

And God tells you,

"My Love, be patient."

And you then you watch Castle and *SPOILER ALERT*






they FINALLY get married!

And you ask yourself why are you so in love with their relationship??

It's not even real.

It is literally made up in some writer's imagination.

And you've read too many books where the heroine falls in love.

And the hero swoops in.

Or in the hunger games case, she swoops in to the rescue.

And you start realizing all your expectations of what love looks like is fake.

It's based off of how many people you know who have had relationships that ended in divorce.

It's based of dystopian societies.

And hollywood fantasies.

It's based off of this haunting desire to not be alone.

And we keep telling ourselves that one day we'll be with someone and everything will be better.

We're lying to ourselves.

Please hear me out.

I am not saying that marriage can not be awesome and fulfilling.

But we're relying on other people in marriage.

And if there is one thing I have learned in my 25 years, it's that people let you down.

Especially the ones closest to you.

That's what I am craving?

I'm craving to be in a relationship with someone who is going to let me down?

I am craving a relationship with a person I am probably going to fight with more than anyone?

Yes.

I am.

And so is the rest of the world.

We want to be fought for.

We want to be heard

 and understood.

and loved.

and appreciated.

and wanted.

and know we are thought of by someone everyday.

So what do we do while we wait?

How do we keep hope?

How do we live in the moment?

How do we stop viewing marriage as an arrival?

How do stop viewing it as an end goal?

Because I don't want the fact that I am married or single be my identity.

Sure, it's part of it. My perspective on life/this subject will be different in 10 year if/when I am married.

But I don't want my identity, my drive, my everything, to be about when I am going to be married.

I want to live. and thrive.

And go on adventures.

Learn how to fix things by myself.

Learn how to be the best me I can be.

And I don't want these goals to stop when I am married.

I want my identity to continue to be one that wants adventure, and to learn to fix things.

I want to learn to be the best me I can be when I am married too.

I like to think that I am on a hike.

And marriage is just when someone step in front of you on the path and says "hey! Lets do this together!"

Do you move to a different path?

Do you stay on the same path you were originally on?

I think that's a choice you make when you cross that bridge.

So here I am, hanging out with my dogs.

Blogging.

Making muffins.

Watching Castle.

Waiting for someone to cross my path.

This part of life is very interesting.

It's weird, messy and awkward.

At times I feel like an old maid when I see all these 18 year olds getting married.

And at times I feel like a child when I see all the 22 years olds graduating from college.

I like who I am some days.

And Hate who I am other days.

Somedays I am honest.

Most days I am full of crap.

But today,

I am patient.

Today, I am living the dream.

Today I am focused.

Today I am productive.

Today I messed up.

Today I made great choices.

Today I was a sinner.

Today I was a saint.

Today I was angry.

Today I was joyous.

Today I was an old maid.

Today I was a child.

Today was an occasion and I only half rose to it.

But Tomorrow is a new occasion.

Thank the Lord.

I just want to live life fully in the moment, excited for the future, focused on the now, and forgiving the past.

Occasional Fury.

My Birthday is in a half hour.

And I just watched that new movie Fury.

Way to ring in 25!

While there is something to be said for that cast, as they were incredible.

That movie, broke my heart.

2 reasons.

First, as soon as the movie was finished, people got up and left.

Call me emotional, call me soft, call me whatever, but I felt as if I wasn't going to be able to move for the next 45 minutes.

Second, that movie, that is depicting REAL historical events, is also depicting REAL accurate events of today.

There was this one line in the movie that just wrecked me.

Boyd Swan: Wait until you see it.
Norman Ellison: See what? 
Boyd Swan: What a man can do to another man.

All I can see is a broken world right now. 

That movie, is putting the real life of millions of people on to our screen, and we worry about how our steak is cooked. 

And my friends who are gay, think that the Church hates them to their very core. But no one has a friend that is gay, and understands what it feels like. 

And we complain about the temperature of our beverage. 

And there are people being sold like an everyday grocery item. 

And all we see is tear in our brand new jeans. 

And people are dying because someone decided that their opinions, and way of life are more important. 

And all we see is how long our food is taking to come out of the kitchen. 

My birthday is in 4 minutes. 

We speak as if know how life is supposed to go. 

We speak as if we know what is going to happen. 

We speak as if we have walked 300 miles in another persons shoes. 

But when we speak all the world hears is hate. 

We throw the N word around because if you're black it's okay, but forget that that word was used to demoralizes and dehumanize an entire race of incredible people. 

We scream at girls and tell them they are whores because they wanted to keep a guy who "loves" them, but we ostracize them the minute they abort it. 

We speak with the tongues of men and angels and we have not a taste of love. 

Because truth with out grace is condemnation. 

And Grace without truth is a lie. 

We tell people, that sex before marriage is wrong, and then chase the younger generation to porn.

It's my birthday.

We have these joyous moments in our lives, that leave us laughing until we cry.

But I am overwhelmed at the brokeness that consumes our lives.

That consumes our world.

When are we going to be a people that longs for peace?

That longs for a real love?

Something pure and deep.

I tell you, right now I am sobbing because of war.

Because of hurt.

Because of trauma.

Because of the loss.

My heart breaks for the people that feel like they just aren't seen.

My heart breaks for the people that are seen everyday, but do not know what it feels like to be loved.

It would be easy to give up.

There is so much to do.

But if I gave up.

Who would do it?

If not me then whom?

If not now then when?

Wait until you see it.

See what?

What a man can do to another man.

Occasionally a Scholar

Today, I was face to face with my future.

It was incredibly daunting.

I saw what house I might live in.

I saw the food I might eat.

The places I might study.

The Career I might have later.

It was terrifying.

I have the the worst fear of auditioning for school.

I have a fear of all the paper work.

All the practicing.

All the nights I will have to spend working, instead of socializing.

I have a fear of the shaping and buffing my character is going to have to take to get to a place where I could even glance at the opportunity at being successful.

I have a fear of being told no.

Because I am going to be. That is just the reality.

People are not going to like the way I look, the way I sound. the way I speak, the clothes I wear, or the way my heart hangs out on my sleeve like a decoration instead of in my chest where people can't see exactly how I feel every single day of my life.

On top of other peoples opinions, I am faced with my own and doubts in myself.

And it all boils down to, how bad do I want this?

I mean the reality is, I could go to CSU, and life would be fine. And I would do well.

And it would be really safe. Everything would go normally.

But if I have learned one things about preforming, it is you have to take a risk.

Right? I have to take a risk? Some big ones.

This is something I can do.

I am learning what it means to be an excellent musician from incredible musicians.

I am learning how to study like a great student.

I am learning to practice, like an excellent performer.

I learning to give myself grace when I make mistakes.

I am learning to work my ass off.

I have the guts to do this, and the drive.

I want this.

I really do.

There is so many time's in my life when I have let myself down.

I overthink things or give into the lazy side of me.

I am done with that life.

I am receiving a college education.

I am a strong person.

I am a caring person.

I am a kind person.

I deserve to treat myself with respect.

I deserve to work hard to reach my goals.

I have an incredible support system, and even if I didn't I could STILL do and be all these things.

I realize my blog tends to repeat itself with me, reminding myself, who I am.

But I have to keep doing it.

I forget so easily.

I have day's like today, and begin to tremble with fear.

I get piles of homework, and begin to doubt, why I am even in school in the first place.

I get so down on myself, in every way.

Bare with me everyone, these are my pep talks in attempt at rising to the occasion.

Because I will rise to the occasion. Right now. I am working hard at being a scholar.

I am working hard at being a great friend.

I am working at being honest.

I am working hard to plan for the future, by being present in the now.

Be present.

Work hard.

Watch me rise.

Watch me fall.

Either way, I will have the greatest adventures, meet the greatest people, see the greatest places, have the greatest food, and will have lived the greatest life.

A wise man once said...

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

Dr. Seuss

Occasionally a failure.

I feel like every post I post is about how much my life sucks.

But I also feel like people don't want to hear how awesome my life is either.

So I'm in a weird place. It's whatever.

Today, was not a good singing day.

Today, was not a good math day.

Today was not a good Music theory day.

Today was not a good day.

I am up to my limits in homework.

In appointments.

In the amount of practice hours I have ahead of me,

(that I am putting off by complaining about it)

I am tired.

I want to cry.

I want to give up.

I mean there is some doubt creeping up in the back of mind on whether I can do this all or not.

I mean I'm already failing math, and it's only the beginning of the semester.

I wish I could say, it's all okay.

Don't worry Kayla.

But damn it!

I need to do something.

I feel like a failure already.

And I haven't even put forth an efficient amount of effort in order to feel this way.

I need to get my act together.

I need to stop acting like a child.

I am learning all new skills.

It is okay to not be good at everything.

I'm supposed to not be good at these things.

I am supposed to suck at music theory.

I've never done it before!!

Today I am a failure.

Today, I am learning.

Today I am going to suck it up and put the effort in.

Today, I will not let little things like my math computer program not working make me get angry.

Today, I will learn what it means to work hard.

Today, I'm just going to try.

Today, I will not be a failure.

Occasionally bad.

I just felt you all needed to know, that I found some emotion tonight.

We talked bout our views on the world.

And we talked about good and bad.

I said, I believe there is no such thing as a good person, just people who have a choice.

Good?

Or bad?

Now my friend says everyone is always going to choose bad, because it's easier.

And he is right.

It is easier.

But I told him, I know way too many people who prove to me everyday that our human nature is capable of goodness.

But I also know that those same people make bad decisions everyday.

So, what's the point?

What is the point, of choosing good if we are just going to continue choosing bad?

I don't have a solid answer for you.

At least not one that makes sense to the world.

But I do know this...

We are who we are.

Good or bad choices of our past, they do not define us.

What does define us, is the way we live in the present.

Are we making the most of our circumstance?

Are we making other people feel empowered or enslaved?

Are you stopping to smell the roses?

Are you creating life instead of consuming it?

Whether you believe we are inherently good or inherently bad...

...whether you believe everything happens for a reason, or that life is just chaos...

...whether you believe in a night out partying, or a night in with Disney movies...(yea, I'm looking at you Phil!)

...whether you believe in a Devine presence or not...we have a responsibility in this life to seize the day.

Occasionally dry.

Life has been so dry for me.

I haven't been able to write.

I think of things that are awesome, and start to write about them and then they suck.

I go searching for things that bring passion and emotion into my life.

Long drives.

Worship music.

Prayer.

Deep conversation.

School.

But to be honest.

I'm not in love.

And I feel like that is part of my being, being a loving person.

I LOVE everything.

I love Jesus.

I love people.

I love music.

I love TV.

I love LOTS OF THINGS.

And I'm not saying that I don't love those things.

Because I love Jesus and I love people, etc.

And I do, but if I am totally 100% honest with everyone.

I'm not IN love with anything.

You know when someone say's, "I love you, but I don't have to like you."?

That's how I feel.

And there's not some big event that happened that made me angry.

There's no reason.

Except maybe that I've stopped.

I've stopped pursuing the things that I love.

I feel like I have thrown myself in to the monotonous grind that is life.

I have thrown myself into my studies, which shouldn't be bad right?

I want to do well in school! I want to be a more motivated, structured, and successful individual.

Is that bad?

I guess it is if you can't balance the other things in your life.

Jesus is supposed to be first.

Jesus is supposed to be involved in all parts of your life.

Why does that sound so corny????



 Yea.




The Wise man built his house on the rock, and the rain came tumbling down, the rains came down and the floods came up.

And the house on the rock stood firm.


Everything else is just weather.

Occasional self loathing

I hate being in Limbo.

It's 3 weeks between camp and school. 

Don't get me wrong! I love seeing people and being able to have some sense of freedom. 

But when I'm in limbo, I make bad choices, I eat the worst food, I stay up till 4 in the morning and don't wake up till 3 in the afternoon. 

I don't have any sort of rhythm. 

I have no sense of good habits. 

I have no goals, except to make it to the 22nd when I can finally move into my dorm. 

It's as if I can't hold myself accountable. 

I'm not motivated unless I have a schedule.

I feel yucky all the time. 

I get into these weird "everyone hates me" and "I hate myself" moods.

I drink too much and make choices that don't better me but cut me down.

I'm grumpy. And maybe part of that is because my mom and siblings moved, but also, because I simply have no drive. 

It's not going to get better with school unless I change the routine now.

If I don't change it now, it'll seep into my school work. 

So how do I change my attitude when I really don't have anything to do?

This is a rhetorical question. 

This is something I have to ponder.

I really just wanted to put this out there so people know they're not alone. 

I really only blog about my problems, not to complain, but so people know that other people struggle too. 

I think one our biggest problems as a society is we feel alone, because everyone posts the awesome parts of life, and not the real life parts. 

This is real life. 

Sometimes you hate yourself.

Occasional Brokenness.

The spark of imagination always hits me at 2 am.

Right when my hopes and dreams come fluttering through my head.

I dream of all the things I want to be.

All the places I want to go.

All the people I want to meet.

And all the things I want to learn.

And this causes me to look at my life with disdain.

Why can my life not be exciting?

Why can’t I have all the things I dream of now?

See I want all the reward and none of the work.

Someone once told me, “I just want my life to start already.”

I told that person, “Life starts when you tell it to.”

We are in life currently!

Life consists of eating food.

Doctor’s visits.

Dandruff.

Grumpy moods.

Frustrating people.

The DMV.

It consists of waiting at red lights.

Snoring.

Hugs.

Coffee.

Friends who don’t wear deodorant. (You know who I am talking too!)

See I want life to start now!

I want to skip all the school.

Skip paying back my student loans.

Skip the week before finals.

And just be the person that I was meant to be.

I want to arrive at that place, that I was meant to arrive at.

But a wise man once told me,

“Kayla, you never actually arrive.”

You spend your whole life arriving at the place you were meant to be.

I mean when you think about all the crap you’ve been through.

All the times you’ve messed up.

All the times you didn’t deserve that second chance.

The time you hurt your best friend, mother, father, or sibling.

The time you could have given it your all but were too lazy to try.

The times when it feel like the whole world can see everything you’ve ever done wrong in your whole life.

It’s just a whole bunch of arriving.

It’s a whole bunch of hoops and obstacles we have to jump through so that we can continue to arrive.

I wish I could encourage you with some “it get’s better” phrase or pep talk.

But I can encourage you this way,

It does not get better.

Nor will it.

There are going to be amazing times, when you feel like you have lived up to all you can be.

But pain, will always weasel it’s head back in.

And some how as you grow, the pain gets worse.

But! There is so much hope there.

You’ve already been through that pain, and you are capable of walking through it again.

A Story to illustrate.

I worked at this Boy scout camp this summer, and I worked at the lake.

It was 50 degrees Fahrenheit on a good day.

But all the boys had to take a swim test before they could take my kayaking class.

And I always warned the boys, “It’s going to be cold, it’s going to hurt, but if you want the merit badge, you’ll just have to swim through it. Remember to breathe and focus yourself. You are good swimmer and you will not drown. I’m right here.”

And every week I had at least 2 boys freak out and end up needing to be rescued.

I don’t blame them.

Half the time I didn’t want to get in the water.

It was miserable.

But the minute they got in the water they forgot that they could swim.

They forgot to breathe.

They forgot that I was sitting right there ready to rescue them if they went under.

I feel as if I do this every time I am faced with pain.

I know I am going to be okay.

I know everything is going to work out.

I know I am not alone.

Yet still all these lies creep in.

“You’re not worth enough.”

“You can’t do this.”

Breathe.

“Who in their right mind would love you?”

You can swim.

“Why do you do this to yourself!? You’re so stupid!”

I am right here.

“You look so ugly today!”

Breathe.

“Why are you even trying?”

You can swim.

“You are not smart enough.”

Breathe.

“You’re not strong enough.”

You can swim.

“NO one will ever listen to anything you have to say.”

I am right here.

ENOUGH!

My heart screams on a daily basis.

So much past hurt, violence, and brokenness.

Released into the void.

Because I can breathe.

Because I can swim.

Because I am not alone.

Pain has a funny way of making us forget that life is happening right now.

Stress makes us feel as if everything has to be done right now all at the same time, when the reality is; we can only do one thing at a time.

So we live in the moment.

Plan for the future, and let the past be nothing but memories of how we became who we are, but does not define us.

Life is about learning to arrive.

Bangarang.

Occasionally Afraid.

Guys, my Mommy is leaving.

She is taking my youngest brother and sister with her.

She is not leaving out of malice, or hurt, she is leaving because she has to.

But I feel left.

I feel abandoned.

Here I am a grown ass woman, almost 25, feeling abandoned by her mommy.

NEEEERD.

But am I?

My whole life has centered around my family.

"My name is Kayla Smith, I am from Greeley, Colorado. I have 5 younger siblings that are all taller than me. And I love Jesus more than anything."

My family is part of my identity.

Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I am so scared.

I am so scared to be my own person.

Without my family.

I'm afraid my sister is going to not have anyone to stand up for her.

I am afraid my mom is going to forget important things.

I am afraid my brother is not going to have anyone on his side.

I am afraid that I am not going to make it without them.

These are all irrational fears of course because I've been out of the house for 5 years now.

And here they still are living and such.

I don't know why this fear of growing up and moving on with my life with out them is so huge.

Cause it's not like it will be without them. It's not like I am never going to see them again.

It's not as if I am alone.

I say all these things...

...yet here I am.

Afraid.

Afraid of what comes next.

Afraid of moving on.

Afraid of doing life by myself.

Afraid of losing my family.

You're not losing your family Kayla!

So many tiny fears inside of me that creep into huge, monster fears.

Fears that cripple you.

Fears that bring you to tears.

Fears that cause you to do irrational things.

So how?

How do we walk out of fear?

How do we look fear in the face and say bring it on??

How do we overcome it?

"We Gain strength, and courage, and confidence, by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot."

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Can I get an amen?

I want to do great things.

I want to inspire greatness in others.

I want to love people unconditionally.

So I walk through the pains of today, so I can experience the joys of tomorrow.

Life is a weird cycle like that I guess.

You have to experience both good and bad in order to be considered alive.

Imperfection. Beauty.

Both parts of the human existence.

Occasionally The Avatar.

When I think about the way my life has turned out, part of me grimaces.

The other part of me dawns a sly grin when I think of all the close scrapes I’ve come through.

And then there is a whole other part of me that thinks, “I might be one of the coolest people I know.”

These are 2 stories of how I rose to the occasion this year.

In 2006 I attempted this obstacle ropes course 40 feet in the air.

C.O.P.E.

Challenging Outdoor Personal Experience.

Challenging is the word I would use.

But it seems an understatement.

It is terrifying.

I lost my cool almost immediately. 

Sobbing is also an understatement.

My friend had to come rescue me. They had to cut me out of the harness cause I couldn’t move.

It sucked. I don’t remember what it was that came over me that made me freak out cause it was like 8 years ago.

But I told myself, and everyone else, I was NEVER getting back up there again.

I also told everyone and myself I wasn’t going back to school after I graduated from High school.  I graduated with a 2.4 GPA and received a 17 on the ACT. Yikes.

I thought school was silly.

I thought getting a paper that said you had education was bologna.

Regardless, Here I am, finishing my first year of College.

Associates in Music; Vocal Performance.

Which means I take over 18 credit hours a semester. (I am currently enrolled for 22 credit hours in the upcoming fall semester.)

I finished this past spring semester with a cumulative GPA of 3.79.

And Just after I spent all summer depressed, and angry with my weight, and scared I was not going to finish anything. I climbed up on the COPE course and finished it.

Like a freaking boss.

I worked all summer at a Boy Scout camp, teaching Kayaking and Canoeing, the whole time telling myself I wasn’t going to make it.

And I did.

See?! Life happens.

It gets hard.

And so many obstacles hit and all I want to do is cry.

So many of the choices I make, suck, maybe 40% of them are good choices.

This is an example of the battle going on inside me.

Have you seen Avatar; the Last Air bender?

There are two main characters in the story.

 Avatar Aang, and Prince Zuko.

Aang is the cute little kid who is happy go lucky, but also struck with large amounts of fear. He makes all of his choices based on the goodness in him, but sometimes can’t help overcoming the fear of his worth. I mean he has to fight the Fire Lord. Who is the badest guy around.  But he still always makes the right decision in the end.

Now Zuko, he starts out hunting the Avatar. He was banished by his father, the Fire Lord, and is seeking out Aang to regain his honor.   He continually fights a war inside of himself. The Good side of him, eventually wins. But he struggles the whole time.

I guess the reason I tell you all this, is because I feel like I am both the Avatar and Prince Zuko.

I feel like I am always afraid of the greatness inside of me.

I also feel like there is a constant fight between good and evil going on inside of me.

So right now, in this moment, I have a fear of being successful.

The fight inside of me is about being lazy, or being an adult.

Making good choices, or watching too much Avatar.

I’m tired.

I have every reason to be frustrated.

I have every reason to be angry.

I mean life has not turned out the way I want it too.

But that’s a childish way to look at it I guess.

But when you think of the pile of crap I’ve had to deal with in my life it is easy to see life through dingy glasses.

And I go through phases of anger and self hatred.

But there are those small windows of moments after I received the e-mail telling me what my GPA was.

And the moment I hit the ground from repelling the 40 feet in the trees.

Those small moments of victory.

Over coming a fear.  

Making a small good decision when I could have easily made a bad decision.

When I could have just not made a decision at all.

I’m sitting at my mom’s house on the floor, cause I have no bed, I have absolutely no money. And will be couch surfing till school starts next month.

But man,

I enjoy life.

A lot.

I know all the best people.

I eat all the best food.

I go all the best places.

And experience all the greatest things.

I am sitting here with a glass of water.

Watching Friends.

It’s hot.

And life is oh so sweet.

Even though it has the greatest possibility to fall apart.

Yay for doing things I didn’t think I could do!

Yay for new days, so you can make new decisions!

Yay for the promise of change, so things that suck never have to stay the same, and things that rock can be amazing memories, to remind you of who you are!

Yay for life

Occasionally valued.

I started reading this post about why people don't need feminism.

And there were many serious reasons and many silly reasons.

I almost started blasting my opinion on the web of what feminism is and is not, and how silly people were and so on and so forth.

Then I asked myself "Why?"

Why does my opinion even matter to the people that read my 15th facebook status of the day?

Why do I feel the need to tell people my opinion?

What, inside of me, is dying to explode out?

And I don't know what came over me, but I realized the answer to my own question immediately.

The answer is NOT because I'm a loud mouth. (However true that statement may be.)

The answer is NOT because I think I know something (However strongly I feel.)

The answer is...

...because I want to be valued.

I want to be valued as a woman.

I want to be a valued opinion.

I want just want to be valued.

It's human nature.

I want someone to value my soul.

I want someone to see my heart and appreciate the ideas and passions that come streaming from it.

I believe that's why we don't "like" people who have strong opposing opinions.

Maybe I'm just stating the obvious here, but we tend to have anything but appreciation for people who disagree with out morals and standards, do not misinterpret me, we need to stick to our guns.

But when our own heart is craving that value and appreciation....

And we withhold our own abilities to see and appreciate those that "oppose us"...

Do you see my inner conflict?

How do we change this?

I just want to be valued.

I can't imagine that I am the only one.

I want to see someone.

I want to appreciate the work that they have put into life.

Life is hard.

We all know that.

Can we just appreciate that it's hard for everyone, and not make it worse?

Rise to your identity.

So work has opened my eyes to a lot of things that I doubt myself on and the restrictions I put myself under. And one night when I was attempting to remind myself where I stand, this came out.  And well, Jesus' way of life is just so much better then anything I can imagine.  

You spend your whole life worrying.

And it doesn’t get you anywhere.

You spend your whole life plotting and planning,

And you just wave as life passes you by with out actually living it.

You never worry about yourself.

You only worry about the people you love.

You worry so much, you make yourself sick.

And it doesn’t get you anywhere.

Why do you forget that life was made to be lived?

Why do you forget that life was made for the struggle?

Why do you forget that you are not alone?

Why does the anger from the past control you to the point of exhaustion?

Why is it impossible for you to let go?

Why do you set limits for yourself?

Why do you let fear and shame control your actions and the direction and ferocity of your love??

Is it not said that you live with the Breath of Life guiding your very actions?

Is it not true that your identity is not defined by you actions but by your creator?

Can you not live your life in the wastefulness of grace?

Can you not remember the promise of forgiveness?

It stares at you in the eye, pleading for you to just catch a glimpse of it.

These burdens are not yours.

Forgive them.

These worries are not yours.

Accept the gift of grace.

This sickness, is a lie.

Release it as such.

This fear is not of God.

Forbid it’s existence.

You are a child of the one true God.

You are a child of the creator.

You walk in the footsteps of a spirit so vast, you can not comprehend it’s dimensions.

May Peace be with you.

Grace pour over you.

Forgiveness drowned you.

And courage and adventure be the spirit coursing through your veins.