Occasionally God is Silent.

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about the season of life I am in.

I told her I feel like I have lost my prayer voice.

I feel like God isn't talking to me.

Like Mother Theresa, this is my season of silence.

I mean, really though, I hear God every now and then.

So is it me just not listening?

Is God speaking a new language?

Maybe he is just speaking less?

So many questions.

I feel distant.

I miss Jesus.

I don't know what that means, especially since I believe the spirit and essence lives inside of who I am.


Take a deep breath...this next part is a lot....but remember who wrote the blog you're reading. =)



This is a new area of life for me.

For the first time in my entire life, I live in a stable environment.

I am independent.

Do not get me wrong I am still in need of friends, and am currently living with an incredible couple renting me out their spare bedroom. SHOUT OUT TO THE REID FAMILY!!!

Also, the friends I have made at MSU I truly do not deserve.

The love and support I have received from that community, it literally came out of no where.

I still need my friends from my old communities, the ones that drive 2 hours to come see me for 5.

The ones that make trips up to Denver and try and find a way to get to see me while they are here.

It literally is blowing my mind, how much support I have. I don't deserve any of it.

I feel more confidant in who I am as a person than I ever have.

I have the best job and co-workers ever.

Everything is better than I could have dreamed my reality to be.

So what is wrong with me then?!

I have insane anxiety.

My depression is often so overwhelming I can't get out of bed.

I'm having asthma attacks way too many times then normal.

But like I said....my life is perfect.

So what is this?

Why can I not hear God?

What is he waiting for?

Why do I feel so angry?

I mean I'm so in love with where I am. But I am so angry.

I'm unhappy with myself, with my heart.

As you know I always pretend to have answers but never actually do, so this is mostly just my thought process without the soultion(ha! I did that on accident, but get it!!!??)

Sometimes I feel like God has put us here on earth and left us to fend for ourselves, it's the only way I explain the paradox in my head of his grace, but also the reason prayer only "works" part of the time.

Yes, I understand prayer isn't a vending macheine.

Yes, I understand we don't always under stand what God's purpose is.

I know all the answers, friends.

I know God is doing something and I just have to be patient and "praise him in the hall way."

I know he has a plan.

I know I need to keep going.

But like also sometimes I just want to scream at God and make him take responsibility for the things he has put me through!!

Yes, I realize this is arrogant.

Yes, I realize I have to take responsibility.

My whole life has been me taking responsibility for my actions.

I just want God to say something.

I'm selfish.

I want God to fix everything.

Yes, I realize he doesn't fix everything.

So why does our God create us and then drop us here on this planet, when we just destroy each other.

Thousands of people are dying each year, because it boils down to each of us believing we know better than the next.

We live in world where most of our religions come from the same God, yet we are each convinced ours is the right one, because we believe we have the correct literature that describes ours as the correct way of life.

....and we destroy each other.

The bible tells us not to murder....

Yet we turn to our fellow human and tell them their lifestyle is illegitimate.

But we tell them we "only tell them the truth out of love" and kill part of their hearts.

But we haven't murdered anyone....right??

Please don't get me wrong!

I love the Church.

It can be the very definition of love.

It can be a powerful force for change.

It can be a safe place for the soul to rest, and be revived.

But we have Savior complexes and rarely ask what people need or how we can help and then often times we only save those who deserve it

We go to church and we worship, and then we leave and then forget the rest of life is worship too.

Being angry, being unable to process the silence of God, allowing yourself to be loved by others, choosing to love those that are not easy to love that don't deserve to be loved, not because we want to further the gospel, but because Jesus genuinely loves our souls, the gospel can come after the person is shown the value of their soul, but also, maybe we're not here to save souls, maybe we're just here to see their value.

We preach on grace and our need to accept it for ourselves. But we have limits on our own grace we extend, because if we let people believe their lives are valid, we some how are going against our moral laws.  So we hang out with people who aren't like us because it's a "ministry."

Lord, that just feels gross to even say.

Can we PLEASE stop making ministries and just start living like the God of the universe sees our value?!?!

That should be the end of the story right?

Jesus died, and then rose, and we should live a life that sees the value of that life, and respects people's right to choose God or not.

I guess, what I am saying is I am tired.

I realize I am always tired, and thank you for listening to my exhaustion and process on the vastness of God, and spirituality and being human....you know...the really easy subjects...

But I'm tired, of being a Christian and being scared of being a human being.

We put so many rules, can't do this, can't do that.

Can't doubt God.

Can't have anxiety.

Can't be imperfect.

Can't be unhealthy.

Can't curse.

Can't have sex before marriage. (No I am not implying this is okay, I'm implying it's another rule we use to govern each other by)

Can't do this Can't do that.

Where is the God that created us?

If he created us to be both sinner and saint, why do we expect to only be a saint??

I realize we were "Created to be holy and with out fault" (Ephesians 1:4 look it up BEST book in the whole new testament.)

But that is supposed to be War Cry of freedom,  not a white flag of defeat.

We were created to be holy and without fault.

But we were created to make mistakes.

Otherwise what is the point of Grace, and God. If we were perfect we wouldn't need a heavenly being that saves us from our selves.

God did not give us the option of choice without a reason right?

He knew we wouldn't all choose him.

I'm not trying to excuse harmful behavior and a life full of sinfulness.

But what I am saying is that we cannot expect each other, especially those of us who are not christians, to be perfect.

We can not hold imperfection against each other.

We must view imperfection as a window into someones soul.

We must see the value in each person. Seeing them as if they are full of the same divine spirit that lives inside of ourselves.

May those that should be found but feel lost, continue choosing love over cynicism.

May we have grace and love for those that feel lost.

May we seek the value of the soul, rather than the place of heaven where we don't die.

May we seek true heaven, in that we are united in Jesus, and those that value the peace of companionship.

May we seek adventure even in the seasons of silence.

May our hearts longing for Jesus, be quenched.

May we seek to understand rather than be understood.

May you find community that understands your heart.

May we seek to comfort rather than be comforted.

May you find community that comforts your soul.

May we live each day as a dance party with our best friends.

May we find moments in the monotony, that brings life to our hearts.

And when God is silent, or we are not listening, may we find ways to seek him out.

May the wholeness of God find you in your emptiness.

Occasionally(Always) Christians need Feminism

I was inspired by a discussion today about what it means to belong.

We all desire to belong.

Some of us(me) spend our whole lives searching for where we belong.

Some of us(not me) just are naturally good at knowing where they belong.

I used the example of a puzzle piece, simply put, we were built to connect to another piece.

Rob Bell has these videos called Nooma, and in one of his videos he talks about the significance of breath.

He talks about how the word used in Genesis to say that God "breathed life into mankind" is the same word in the hebrew language used for the Holy Spirit.

Meaning. God put the Holy Spirit in each of us and saw that it was VERY good.

That's ridiculously cool to me...for a bunch of reasons.

First off....this, in my opinion, proves that we as christians NEED to be apart of social justice.

If the same divine spirit that lives in me lives in you, how can we be anything but equals??

If the same spirit that takes of residence inside me AND you, how can any gender, race, sexual orientation, social standing, economic standing, sin or good deed, be anything but equal?

We exist in a world were we all neatly and not so neatly, belong.

We were created with a purpose.

We were created to value and care for the people around us.

We were created to bring unique and valuable perspectives to our communities.

We were created to be holy and without fault.

But we are also human and make a lot of mistakes.

We(me) are selfish.

We(me) want to belong so we find any way to belong, even if it's not the right place.

We(me) get caught up in deciding who is deserving of goodness and mercy and when they deserve it.

Instead of looking at people the way Jesus see us, we(me) look at them through our own bias and prejudice and make assumptions about people and who they are.

We(me) seek to be understood but not to understand.

We(me) let fear and the unknown decide who people are, instead of honoring the divine in who they are.

Peace is possible. You are being lied to if you believe peace is unattainable.

When we honor the existence of the Holy Spirit in others we can be at peace with ourselves, the differences in opinions, and the unknown parts of who people are.

The cool thing about Jesus' life here on earth was not him going around telling everyone, "okay, you have to give up all your sin, and you have to change you life around completely, and you have to do x, y, and z...and then I will let you into the kingdom of heaven."

He said the kingdom of heaven is now.

If Hell is the absence of God then heaven is the presence. And he lives inside of us. So we can experience heaven RIGHT NOW.

His life here on earth looked like him going up to prostitutes and saying leave your past behind you and walk knowing you belong to the freedom I stand for.

He brought value and wholeness to those who felt they had none.

Not after he convinced them to change their ways.

But just as they were.

He saw their value before they saw their own.

There's a reason Jesus didn't hang out with the Pharisees, they didn't see the value in his creation.

They only saw the brokenness.

This is why we need feminism.

This is why we need black lives matter.

This is why we need to help refugees.

This is why the gay community belongs in the church.

So they can remind us of our value and wholeness in Christ and we can in turn remind them of theirs.

Namaste. The divine in me honors the divine in you.

Shalom. May you feel the wholeness of who you are through Jesus and all he has created you to be.

Peace. May you experience the restfulness that comes with belonging where God has put you.

Occasionally you eat an entire box of macaroni.

Alright confession....

Yesterday....I spent the whole day in bed. I had few things to do but nothing that was in dire need of being done.

But I had had homework to do, and reading to finish, and songs to practice and reading responses to write and monologues to memorize, and laundry to fold....

I folded laundry....

...While I watched friends....er...had friends on and stared at the ceiling....all....day...long...

I ate a sandwich for lunch....

...and them some mac and cheese for dinner.....okay fine! I ate the whole box! Are you happy?!

...and then I stared at the ceiling some more....I didn't even bother to push the "Are you still watching?" button when Netflix paused and knew I wasn't paying attention...

I just stared. I didn't want to think.

I didn't want to move.

I didn't want to do anything.

Because this is hard.

And I am not even close enough to being prepared or equipped enough to do this new stuff in life.

It is overwhelming.

It is frightening.

And you have all heard me say this before.

You have all heard me whine and complain that it's all too much and I can't do it, and I'm not worthy, and how will this work out, I mean I assume if you've known me for longer than a month on any surface you know all the insecurities that are in my brain.

I get in these moments where life is calling you to live it....and I just stare as it beckons me in.

It's like if I were the captain of a ship and the sea is calling to the captain, "come ride this storm, your ship was created to make it through" And the captain just stares at the sea and is unable to move or bark orders or hold the wheel...he just stares....the storm comes anyway but no one is moving because the captain is frozen.

I am the captain now.

Sorry...jokes.

But seriously.

What do I have to do to just unfreeze, look at the storm coming and say "come on."

I think a lot of these emotions are coming from missing everything that this summer entailed.

My summer was incredible friends.

I made some INCREDIBLE friends.

I saw some INCREDIBLE acts of love.

I have never experienced God's love so deeply and with such ease before in my whole life.

My heart aches everyday to be back in that place, and no one understands, and I can't explain it to make people understand.

It's just this hole in my heart that is unique to only me, and I can't explain it's depth, shape or how it got there.

The other reason I am having paralyzing fear is simply because I feel alone.

I am in a new place and I don't know how to adjust to it, and instead of relaxing and embracing the newness, and the adventure, I'm fighting it and trying to make it normal too fast.

In turn, making my identity and who I am in who Jesus is not.

Why do we get scared?

Because of the unknown.

Because of outside obstacles.

Because of things we can't control.

Because of failure.

Because of what other people think.

Because...I'm human and everything in this giant world is huge and out of my control.

Because I am a control freak and a procrastinating perfectionist with anxiety.

Because I can't let go.

I can't let go of my summer.

I can't let go of who I am.

I can't let go of anything.

I'm just holding it all, hopping that it will give me some form of worth and the reality is if I let the past go....I can do what I am supposed to do.

What am I supposed to do?

Who am I?

What am I made of?

Where am I going?

Wow. I know it took me a little bit to get to that conclusion. or lack there of really! Because I don't have to be anyone, I can just BE!

I can just exist in each moment and let the storm come, moving with each gust of wind, crashing wave and bolt of lightening.

I can be at peace, letting go of how I think everything needs to be or should be and just move as it is.

Moment by moment.

Seeing each occasion or obstacle as an opportunity to live in the moment and just BE.

I just want to live in the moment with authenticity, but not let fear take over so I become so consumed by the fear I can't live in the moment.

I want to let fear wake me up instead of shutting me down.

Denver. I am not afraid of you and all the mysteries you hold.

I am not afraid of auditions.

I am not afraid of class.

I am not afraid of succeeding.

I am afraid of living a life controlled by fear.

Occasionally a Shitty Christian.

This blog has been a long time coming.

I didn't know how to say how I felt.

And then...

I didn't finish at NJC the way I wanted to.

And it kind of broke my heart.

I love music and I love singing. 

And instead of show casing my love for it....

...I wanted things to be great and big and fan fair like.

...and more important than they were.

....I sought the outcome instead of the steps and growth it took to get there.


And on top of all that I forgot to invite Jesus there.

Don't get me wrong...

I know he was there.

But I forgot to breathe in those moments of frustration or hurt or joy or pain and say

"Jesus. teach me."

I wanted the big moment of success.

I wanted the victory with out any of the sacrifice and pain.

The Glory with out any of the fight.

And I wasted precious life...looking for something that can only exist when you look for Jesus.

Time is fleeting friends.

that clock is ticking

and with every breath if you are not breathing 

in the life that Jesus is

the moment that is now than you are MISSING

everything that GOD has for you.

I get so caught up in the end game.

I get so anxious about what is next that I forget to live in the moment and I don't remember my friends until they are gone.

What is my life unless there are people there to love?

I forget that being Christian has nothing to do with how many times you pray...or how many times you go to church....or how much solid biblical advice you give out....

Being a Christian is living this life that was given to you

one moment at a time

one breath

one step

one blink

at a time.

I am so wrapped up in all these petty details of travel and paper work and schedules and homework and where to live and what classes and how I am going to get there....

and I forgot that Jesus just wants me to remember he is there for a reason and a purpose and he just wants me to say

"yes Lord that anxiety is yours."

As I cry thinking about every moment I have wasted being worried or tired I get scared.

I just want to live a life that is full of love.

I just want the people around me to feel love.

But....I can't stop my own head.

Cast your cares upon him for he cares for you.

You've got this, right Jesus?

Cause I don't.

I am not qualified or prepared for any of this.

And I want to enjoy it.

Even when it sucks.

I get so angry.

I get so broken hearted.

So frustrated.

So depressed.

So stressed.

So worked up.

I just forget that Jesus just wants us to love him and his people.

That's it.

If you are a Christian...

I don't care about your stupid opinions on bathrooms.

I don't care about who you think deserves to be president.

I don't care about your talents and how well you do them.

Have we invited Jesus there?

I sure didn't.

I missed out.

Granted, even though I missed out on the experience, I know God used me to love people.

But I missed out.

There was so much fun and growth and learning and joy that was to be had and I looked at it as a chore.

Love Jesus Love his people.

The rest falls into place.

That is my goal for the summer.

Live in the joy of the moment.

Seek out what Jesus has in store for me.

If you read this and love Jesus please be praying for me.

I need a heart reconstruction and a new humility.

I need Jesus.

To those people who are not Christians and get caught up in my brothers and sisters and especially I's desires to be great and the best Christians ever.

I beg your forgivness.

Our desire is innocent and genuine, perhaps unattainable and unrealistic, but thank you for the grace that we are supposed to be extending to you.

Please be patient with us, we are but students...even our leaders. 

As always, you are loved with the deepest of passions. You are valued more than you will ever know. And you are needed far beyond what you believe yourself to capable of. Keep moving my friends.

Keeps seeking the joys of the moment.

Keep seeking Jesus and his people.

Keep living life like you are loved. 

Occasionally I want to grow up and be Melissa McCarthy

Okay if a movie ever starts out with an someone rapping DJ Kahled's you know it's going to be a great.

I always wonder how many many times in her past, Melissa McCarthy looked in the mirror and was upset with how she looked...

or how many times she said mean things to her self...

or felt she was never going to amount to anything....

Or I wonder if she ever thought of her future and thought,

One day I am going to ride into a packed arena on a giant phoenix flipping everyone off.

Or I'm going to be in not one but 2 action movies.

I wonder if I will be the first woman ever to win MTV's Comedian of the year, and crowd surf into my acceptance speech? 

How many times did she feel insecure?

Maybe she didn't...

But I can't imagine a loud, overweight, over energetic woman in our society didn't ever not feel self conscience.

I just keep thinking of my future and my past.

And my present.

My Future is full of questions and fears and excitment.

My past if full of regrets, successes, mistakes, victories.

My present. infected tonsils and a recital in less than 2 weeks.

I started this blog because I am often presented with an occasion and I have the opportunity to grab it by the horns of let it overwhelm me.

This is an occasion.

And all I can think is how much I have no control over it. 

And how much I am over thinking it, and not enjoying the ride.

I need to ride into tomorrows on the back of a Phoenix.

Rapping DJ Kahled.

Flipping my haters off. =)

Slide into the scene like an action hero.

Why do I feel insignificant?

Why can I not remember who I am??

Why can I remind others of the power that lives in them....but cannot remind myself?

Melissa McCarthy is bold.

She remembers who she is.

I'm sure riding in on a giant Phoenix was a joke....

But...yet she did it.

With commitment. and boldness.

The unknown is scary, not trying is terrifying.

BE BOLD KAYLA.

BE MELISSA MCCARTHY RAPPING ALL I DO IS WIN WHILE EVERYONE CHEERS YOU ON.

Occasionally I GET ACCEPTED INTO 4 YEAR UNIVERSITIES!!!

Impostor syndrome: a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence.

I made the Deans list at school this semester, this is the 4th time out of 6 of my semesters at NJC I have done so. 

I take an average of 20.6 credits a semester. 

I am involved in multiple clubs on campus. 

I have received multiple scholarships. 

I am considered a student leader on campus. 

I will be graduating this May. 

And to top this all off I was just accepted into Metropolitan State University of Denver(Go Roadrunners!) in the fall. 

I totally am still in shock. I have no idea how any of this is happening or how I am doing any of it.

I posted the news of my acceptance and over 200 people liked the status....!???

While I am well aware that a like is just a like on Facebook and nothing more, I felt so loved.

Just the positivity of that over-whlemed me.

AND THEN!

I received a letter....

A letter from someone I don't talk to often enough....

She told me she knew I was stressing about school and my recital.

She knew I was forgetting everything I did this summer.

She knew I was forgetting to be myself.

She knew I was whining.

She knew I was making all this about me.

She knew.

She knew because I wrote that letter to myself at the end of the summer reminding myself that there is a big picture.

There is a plan.

She reminded me that if I keep getting caught up in the stress of things I can't do, the things I can, the things people think I can't do, or don't think I can do.....

That I am going to be back where I started.

She reminded me where I came from and reminded me where I am going.

I am so grateful that God finds ways to talk to me when I am not listening.

I am so grateful that even when I forget that there are people that love me and (so overwhelmingly) believe in me.....that God ALWAYS finds ways to remind me.

I am so grateful for his grace.

I forget, way too often, what I am called to.

I was called to this.

I was called to see the world in color.

I was called to sing all the time.

I was called to eat good healthy food.

I was called to get up early and work hard all day and go to bed late.

I was called to difficult theory homework.

I was called to diligent practice time...ALONE.

I was called to smiling at people.

I was called to loving people where they are.

I was called to random dance parties.

I was called to pointing people to Jesus.

I was called to greatness in the smallest of action.

If you think of me....pray for me.

I need help.

I am not going to make it to the end on my own.

I am prideful

I am selfish.

I often think I can get places by my own works.

I forget a lot.  

Thank you for loving me so well.

Thank you for listening to my crazy ramblings.

Thank you for seeing the goodness in me that I cannot.

Thank you for believing in me when I cannot.

I am so lucky to know all of you.

Thank you for being apart of my story.

Thank you.

Occasionally a Whore.

I think Humans have this bad habit of wearing blinders in life.

We can only see 2 options and we convince ourselves that only one of two things can happen...

or...

We only see what is happening right now and we forget that everything has to come to an end eventually.

Because of these bad habits we get impatient or we become petrified with fear and we forget that there is a very large story unfolding.

We forget that we are each apart of the story, and we are each a piece in other peoples stories.

It's a constant mess of yarn spinning and getting tangled.

Sometimes our stories are supposed to intertwine sometimes maybe not, what ever happens it just does.

But there is a giant plan, a big picture, a huge story.

And we're each apart of it.

But we have bad habits, that make us transfixed on one part of the story and not the big picture.

Take the story of Jesus.

He was born.

He preformed miracle after miracle.

Loved countless unlovable people.  

There was a plan.

A plan in which he died.

And for some reason, we stop here.

We get consumed with guilt that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.

We get consumed with gratefulness for his sacrifice. (As we should be.)

But that's where the story ends for a lot of us.

A cycle of living in sin and shame and guilt, because he died on the cross so we shouldn't live in the mess of sin, and we are undeserving of his gift, and we call ourselves every mean name in the book because we don't deserve this free gift.

How could we screw up after all he's done for us?

We put ourselves through our own personal hell because we are human and forget that the story doesn't end at the Cross.

See if that's how God wanted us to live our lives.

He would have ended the whole story there on the Cross.

He would have said, your debt is paid go on your way.

Spend your whole life trying to make it up to me.

But he didn't.

The end of the story looks like the Creator of the universe in human form, coming back to life.

Because not even the ultimate sign of our sin could hold him.

Death has no hold us.

Our Creator lives, yet we still live in mourning of his death.

We put our worth and our value in other things.

And God tells me "Wait! You're story is being told!"

But I am impatient. "But I am alone!"

And God tells me "I have this promise for you."

But I don't believe it.  "How could there be something better for me? Look at me!!"

And I throw myself at the things this world has to offer, things that's story only leads to death.

And I put my worth in the opinions of people, who's affirmations only lasts a fleeting day.

And I dig into this world searching for love from every meaningless thing this world has to offer.

And I dig and I dig, only to find that those stories end in death too.

But God! I just am tired of waiting for you!

No buts....

God I just want this to happen.

No justs....

There is a story.

I want you to live Kayla.

Fully.

The story doesn't end at the Cross!

Jesus didn't die so you could live at the foot of it.

He died so you could crawl to the foot of the cross and then stand on the promise of his empty grave.

He died so you could live every moment completely and fully.

He died so that your cheap finds and quick fixes didn't consume your life.

He died so that HE could heal the part of you that is a whore.

I am a whore. 

A whore seeks out ways to get their needs fed in exchange for the only thing they have. 

A whore seeks fulfillment in life where they can not receive it long term.

I seek fulfillment in the things of this earth that are fleeting.

I seek fulfillment in the things that ease the pain for a second.

I seek fulfillment in the things that tell me they love me for a moment, and then leave me. 

I seek fulfillment in quick fixes.

I pretend that homework and basic household chores are not worthy of my time, when God has asked me to live EVERY moment to it's fullest, especially the small things.   

I pretend that everything is fine, and underneath I am dying on the inside.

We have convinced ourselves that God is a disappointed Father looking down on us punishing us.

Telling us NO!

We have shared a God to the world that doesn't truly want people the way they are.

Because we put so much weight on the Cross, and our admittance in to heaven, and not nearly enough weight on the empty grave that provides us with promises for a full life here on earth with Jesus.

The Cross says you have sinned, and it has been paid for.

The Grave says sin is gone.

We need both.

But we can not live at the Cross. 

It's who Jesus is.

Anything and anyone can die.

But Jesus is ALIVE. 

And he makes us alive. 

And he wants me to live my life fully.

Receiving fulfillment through THE only long term solution.

I live my life like Christ is still dead.

Ashamed of who I am and what I have become, feeling no hope.

I self sabotage, because I fear I can not do anything because of my past.

I self deprecate, because I don't deserve to feel good about myself. 

I feel ashamed of my sin.

I feel like a whore.

The Creator, who is alive, makes me whole.

My life and My story isn't about me.

My decisions don't even carry a weight heavy enough to truly make me fail so big that suddenly I would not be deserving of God's love for me, or that my story would not reach it's full potential.

Because my story does not end at the Cross.

My story ends at an empty grave.

A grave that does not have quick fixes and short term solutions.

I am free because of the Cross.

I am alive because of the Grave.