Alright confession....
Yesterday....I spent the whole day in bed. I had few things to do but nothing that was in dire need of being done.
But I had had homework to do, and reading to finish, and songs to practice and reading responses to write and monologues to memorize, and laundry to fold....
I folded laundry....
...While I watched friends....er...had friends on and stared at the ceiling....all....day...long...
I ate a sandwich for lunch....
...and them some mac and cheese for dinner.....okay fine! I ate the whole box! Are you happy?!
...and then I stared at the ceiling some more....I didn't even bother to push the "Are you still watching?" button when Netflix paused and knew I wasn't paying attention...
I just stared. I didn't want to think.
I didn't want to move.
I didn't want to do anything.
Because this is hard.
And I am not even close enough to being prepared or equipped enough to do this new stuff in life.
It is overwhelming.
It is frightening.
And you have all heard me say this before.
You have all heard me whine and complain that it's all too much and I can't do it, and I'm not worthy, and how will this work out, I mean I assume if you've known me for longer than a month on any surface you know all the insecurities that are in my brain.
I get in these moments where life is calling you to live it....and I just stare as it beckons me in.
It's like if I were the captain of a ship and the sea is calling to the captain, "come ride this storm, your ship was created to make it through" And the captain just stares at the sea and is unable to move or bark orders or hold the wheel...he just stares....the storm comes anyway but no one is moving because the captain is frozen.
I am the captain now.
Sorry...jokes.
But seriously.
What do I have to do to just unfreeze, look at the storm coming and say "come on."
I think a lot of these emotions are coming from missing everything that this summer entailed.
My summer was incredible friends.
I made some INCREDIBLE friends.
I saw some INCREDIBLE acts of love.
I have never experienced God's love so deeply and with such ease before in my whole life.
My heart aches everyday to be back in that place, and no one understands, and I can't explain it to make people understand.
It's just this hole in my heart that is unique to only me, and I can't explain it's depth, shape or how it got there.
The other reason I am having paralyzing fear is simply because I feel alone.
I am in a new place and I don't know how to adjust to it, and instead of relaxing and embracing the newness, and the adventure, I'm fighting it and trying to make it normal too fast.
In turn, making my identity and who I am in who Jesus is not.
Why do we get scared?
Because of the unknown.
Because of outside obstacles.
Because of things we can't control.
Because of failure.
Because of what other people think.
Because...I'm human and everything in this giant world is huge and out of my control.
Because I am a control freak and a procrastinating perfectionist with anxiety.
Because I can't let go.
I can't let go of my summer.
I can't let go of who I am.
I can't let go of anything.
I'm just holding it all, hopping that it will give me some form of worth and the reality is if I let the past go....I can do what I am supposed to do.
What am I supposed to do?
Who am I?
What am I made of?
Where am I going?
Wow. I know it took me a little bit to get to that conclusion. or lack there of really! Because I don't have to be anyone, I can just BE!
I can just exist in each moment and let the storm come, moving with each gust of wind, crashing wave and bolt of lightening.
I can be at peace, letting go of how I think everything needs to be or should be and just move as it is.
Moment by moment.
Seeing each occasion or obstacle as an opportunity to live in the moment and just BE.
I just want to live in the moment with authenticity, but not let fear take over so I become so consumed by the fear I can't live in the moment.
I want to let fear wake me up instead of shutting me down.
Denver. I am not afraid of you and all the mysteries you hold.
I am not afraid of auditions.
I am not afraid of class.
I am not afraid of succeeding.
I am afraid of living a life controlled by fear.
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