Occasionally I am too fat to be sexually assaulted.

I was headed to church tonight, I walk 3 blocks to get to the train station, I ride the train for 25-30 minutes and then I walk about a 0.7 miles to church.

Tonight when I got off the train a man followed me.

I noticed him, told myself the usual "don't make assumptions" pep talk, and continued, as he continued to follow me.

I had walked two blocks when he started "Pssst" ing me.

He tried to get my attention for an entire block this way.

3 blocks.

He started walking faster, getting closer....

"Give him the benefit of the doubt maybe he is not talking to you."

"HEY! HEY!"

I'm almost jogging.

I cut across a parking lot toward the nearest store.

He is all but outright chasing me at this point.

I duck into the Dollar Store where there are a lot of people, I whip around as he enters the door, I tear the sunglasses off my face, square up and plant myself  into the ground as he walks in not 7 feet behind me, he catches my eye, quickly avoids eye contact and ducks into an aisle.

I run out of the store, and all but sprint the last 2 blocks to the church, continuing to watch behind me making sure he's not following.

 I see no sign of him any where.

I finally get to church and all I can think, is "What the hell Kayla!? You have straight punched a guy for grabbing your butt once!!!"

I froze. I felt guilty.

I didn't call the police because I am still unsure if I am crazy or not, or if it's real or if I am exaggerating my circumstances.

A strange man followed me, yelling, for almost 5 blocks, into a store, on foot, 10 feet behind me and I am the one feeling guilty. 

I didn't pull out my pepper spray because I felt bad.

I'm just angry now.

I'm overweight, and this does not warrant a ton of sexual advances, but it happens. Kind-of often.

It's always a comment on how large I am, or how pretty I am.

I'm a larger person, so I don't have nearly as many of these encounters, because I think I hold my self pretty confidently and I look like I can pack a punch, but my friend Addy(who is all but 100 pounds and attractive) told me tonight she has been followed a total of 5 times!!

5 TIMES!!!

All I could think when the moment was over, is how so many people are going to be furious with this man, after they find out on Facebook what he did to me.

And then I caught myself.

It's stupid easy to be furious at this strange man that followed me.

He is a stranger.

Probably on drugs.

He's what the world considers to be "trash"

He emotionally harmed someone who was not asking for it, who is well loved and honest.

It's super easy to condemn him.

Yet, here we are, voting and supporting white collar males into office who are supposed to be leading, caring, and creating peace and imposing justice on our society.

Some of these men have all but chased women into Dollar Stores, some have done far greater deeds.

Yet we don't condemn them.

I'm just angry.

I'm angry that I'm "lucky" because of my weight, to not receive unwanted attention from men.

I'm angry, that my dear friends, have to defend themselves in these terrifying moments, when we the church should be defending them, NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF CLOTHES THEY ARE WEARING.

I'm angry because we are called to be the light of the world, yet I feel like I am drowning in darkness.

I'm angry because there are STILL people, who make jokes, and say things like "What was she wearing?" or  "she deserved it." or "she should have been paying more attention" or my personal favorite "She should carry a gun"





This is the season of Advent.

It is the season where we prepare ourselves for the arrival of Jesus.

Where we remind ourselves and our communities and mostly each other, that the old is gone and the new is here.

That there is hope.

That it doesn't have to be like this.

Because Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease

We remind each other. That we are light. 

That we are the living breathing presence of Jesus in this world, where women are still called liars and sluts when they try to be honest about their stories. 

I'm so lucky that society doesn't view me as desirable. 

Can you imagine, if my body was good enough to sexualize?!

Can you imagine if someone decided that my body was good enough for it to become their decision?!

The world doesn't have to be this way! 

We get to step in and say no more. 

We get to help decide what this world looks like. 

I'm sorry this is messy and there is no easy way to end this. 

I'm sorry the world is broken. 

I'm so sorry, that so many people face this. 

I am so sorry that the world is getting darker and darker. 

I promise to do my best to believe in you. 

I promise to do everything in my power to support and hear you.

I promise to see you. 

I promise that there is light. 

My life is proof that Jesus redeems all things. 

You are light, you are a reminder of light to this world. 

You are a reminder that not even death can drown out the light. 

To my dear dear friends who are loving, kind, and caring men, 

You have to help. 

You have to help by resisting the societal pressure to make every woman sexualized. 

You have to help, by speaking up. 

You have to help by believing. 

You have to help by being the light too. 

You have to help by not seeing women as softer, more delicate, sexual beings for you to conquer, protect and save. 

You have to help by building us stages to tell our story. 

You have to help by not telling us how you can or are able to help! 

You have to help by learning to be okay with being in the back seat, we're not here to over throw you, we're here to be heard. A lot of us are, and we need your microphones.

You have to help by giving us your hand. 

You have to help by listening. 

You have to help by telling your stories too. 

So hear this, let it ring from the insane, beautiful, treacherous mountain top that is your life! 

Ephesians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 

4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 

5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 

6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 

7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace 

8 that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding 

May you experience heavens perfect peace, may you experience heavens perfect breath, and may we 

live our lives bringing perfect heaven colliding into this broken world. 

And may this season of Advent remind you to continue moving forward even in darkness. 

Occasionally too much

This is from the girl that talks too much.

This is from the girl that feels too much.

This is from the girl that takes up too much space.

This is from the girl that sings too much.

This is from the girl that moves too much.

This is from the girl that dances too much.

This is from the girl that thinks too much.

This is from the girl that hurts too much.

This is from the girl that see's everyones perspective too much.

This is from the girl that cries too much.

This is from the girl that sees everyones potential too much.

This is from the girl that thinks too much.

This is from the girl who misses her friends too much.

This is from the girl who loves too much.

This is from the girl that wants to scream too much.

This is from the girl thats room is too messed up.

This is from the girl that gets too worked up.

This is from the girl that is too much a perfectionist.

This is from the girl that procrastinates too much.

This is from the girl that weighs too much.

This is from the girl that is too short.

This is from the girl that isn't short enough.

This is from the girl that dreams too much.

This is from the girl that doesn't work out too much.

This is from the girl that works too much.

This is from the girl that blogs too much.

This is from the girl that prays too much.

This is from the girl that doesn't pray enough.

This is from the girl that loves the gays too much.

This is from the girl that loves church too much.

This is from the girl that loves that one pair of leggings too much.

This is from the girl that loves Jesus too much.

This is from the girl that doesn't love Jesus enough.

This is from the girl that is too much.

I exist.

I take up space.

I am the worlds greatest dichotomy.

I breathe.

I enter rooms and the atmosphere changes.

I am too much.

I am not enough.

I am who I am.

I don't know how to love who I am.

This is from the girl that worries too much.

This is from the girl that loves you, but doesn't love me.

May you see the space you take up as sacred.

May you see the space others take up as holy.

May the too turn into enough.

And may the not enough turn in to too much.

May you love too much.

Always.

Occasionally I am an inconvenience.

The last 2 days have been too intense for me.

I left Harrisburg PA. at 230 am on Friday morning, and arrived in denver at 8am.

That same night I drove to Estes Park to be in my dear friend Emily's Wedding. (literally the best wedding I have ever been too, sorry everyone.)

The night of the wedding though, I started not being able to breathe. I had noticed a week ago that my breathing was off and something was wrong.

I didn't sleep at all after the wedding because my chest pains and breathing was so bad so I went to the ER first thing in the morning.

I got there and was overwhelmed with test after test.

EKG's, my blood drawn 3 times, an IV, a CT scan(with weird dye that they put in you that makes you warm and feel like you peed yourself lol) several chest x-rays, and this weird test they did on my blood to see if there was a chance of clots. I did a breathing treatment. and was strapped into all the wires.

Every time I moved I got tangled, and more and more anxious.

I couldn't do anything.

I couln't find a comfortable position to lie or sit.

I couldn't reach my water glass or my phone when I dropped it.

I had to call a nurse to help me sit my bed up. Something I am perfectly capable of doing myself.

As the Dr continued to pour out tests and more dr appointments I needed and prescriptions, my anxiety kept rising.

I have pneumonia.

One more thing, that I have to rely on other people, and rest and everything outside of my own control to fix.

I just was sitting in the hospital bed overwhelmed with the idea that I am the worlds largest inconvenience.

People have to take care of me.

People have to look out for who I am.

I am not capable of looking out for me. I have to rely on everyone.

Because I get things like EVERY respiratory illness every mentioned.

I have really short arms and can't reach ANYTHING.

I can't remember things.

I don't have health insurance.

I am an emotional wreck all the time.

I just kept thinking, way to start the fall semester Kayla.

Good job.

You really know how to go out with a bang.

I just would never be that mean to anyone.

I would never tell a student or a team mate or a friend any of those things.

I love taking care of the people in front of me.

I am so grateful I get the honor of loving some of the coolest people in the whole world.

But why is it so hard for me to let people care about me?

I am an inconvenience.

Unless you're the person in my line at Starbucks that wants me to remake their drink because you ordered a latte 160 degrees and this is 170 degrees, cause you can tell, then I don't really think you are an inconvenience at all.

I'm very tired.

I'm tired of pretending I have my shit together even tho it is so clearly not together.

Everyone cast thine eyes upon my giant pile of shit and see that is full!

...and yet. Here I am pretending. I have it all together.

Dumb.

I'm so tired.

I miss my team.

I miss that we took care of each other, and it didn't feel like a burden.

I miss the community of Harrisburg.

They know what it looks like to help each other out.

I am mostly just scared to trust that God has a plan for me.

I am mostly scared that I am going to fail in his plan...again...and be a huge inconvenience....again.

I know I know I know.

Kayla! you are such a light every where you go!

The world is so lucky to have you!

People everywhere are blessed and seen by you.

I know.

But why don't I feel blessed by myself?

Why do I just feel like a huge burden to myself??

Why do I not know how to advocate for myself?

Why do I not know how to take care of myself?





I drove into Denver today, saw my starbucks, saw my school, my train station, some of my homeless people, my favorite burrito place, the sketchy Burger King next door, and breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I belong here.

This is my community.

I am responsible for these people and they are responsible for me.

I can advocate for myself so I can advocate for them.

I can take care of myself so I can take care of them.

I just need so much Jesus.

I need to be reminded all the time that I walk in the fullness of his spirit, and that there is a plan.

I need to remind myself that the space I take up is holy.

It is purposeful.

It is light.

I need to remind myself that faithfulness is not a belief but an action.

I need to remind myself that my self care is not about me.

It is about this world and being an example of goodness here on this planet.

I miss Harrisburg so much, and all I could think in the hospital was how much I missed my team and I wished I wasn't alone, but sometimes, loneliness is your greatest ally.  It forces you to hang out with yourself and learn about who you are.

So. May the spirit of love surround who you are, opening and softening your heart to the provision of the spirit.

May you walk in the fullness of the presence of Jesus in your life knowing you were created for a purpose and for his delight.

May the lies of inadequacy, inconvenience, and shame have no place in your life.

May you walk forward with tenacity, ferocity, love, compassion, and a heart that is open to learning.

And when you fail, may you choose to try again.

You are not an inconvenience.

You are the reason this world is.



 

Occasionally.

I'm supposed to be doing end of the summer paper works for YouthWorks.....but uhhh....here I am writing a blog because well...we all know how I am.

This summer has been INSANE.

This summer started in December when I turned down a job, I applied for,  from Youthworks.

I can not tell a lie, I turned it down because my pride was hurt.

It was my third year with YouthWorks, I am 27 years old and they offered me my old job of Ministry Coordinator again.

Don't get me wrong I LOVE that job.

I think its possibly the most important role on a YouthWorks site(I'm a little biased)

I just felt I am capable of much more leadership. I feel like as a 27 year old, I should be able to lead as a Site Director after 2 years on the job.

In my pride, and confusion and to be totally honest, in my hurt and feelings of rejection, I turned down the offer.

I felt like this might mean that God had something else in store for me if my heart wasn't going to be in serving him in that position with YouthWorks.

So I started looking for a second job and a new house and it just wasn't working out.

I was starting to get anxious about how I was going to to take care of myself. Again.

But God had something else in store.

It was the night Training started for YW and I was at church getting snapchat after snapchat of how excited people were to be back with YW.

The speaker at church started speaking on the Lords Prayer.

The Lords Prayer was the theme for the first year I was with YW in 2015 in New Orleans.

We talked about how God sustains us. That is what it means when they say "give us our daily bread"

God sustains us and takes care of our needs.

In that moment I was overwhelmed by my disobedience to God's provision of a place to live, food to eat and a job to pay my bills in December when I was offered the job at YouthWorks.  

God said "I have already provided all these things for you and you have turned them down."

I felt ashamed and I called a friend and asked her if I was being a flake if I asked for my job back.

She said "Kayla, I can't tell you that."

She was right.

This was between me and God and no one else.

I needed to trust that he had a plan. I needed to stop pretending I had any sort of control over my situation.

Even if you have no belief in a Creator or Spiritual Being in the sky.

We cannot pretend to have any sort of control of the things that life will throw at us, and pretending that we do, is our greatest weakness.

But I believe in the Creator.

I believe that he turns the earth using gravity, and he makes the flowers grow using water.

I believe he brings the dead to life, and makes all things good.

I believe that we freedom of choice.

I believe that we make a lot of really great choices in our lives.

I also believe we make a lot of bad choices.

But the thing about God is that he takes our choices, bad and good, and he makes them pretty freaking great.

So I e-mailed my pal Phil and Phil said, "You can come tomorrow if you want. We still have some places to fill. I had to tell him that I had my sisters graduation and that she was the last of 6 to graduate from high school. There was NO way I was missing that!

Phil told me that Late Start Training started right after my sisters graduation so I went on vacation with my family and got a flight out of Charlotte straight to Minneapolis, where I was prepared to not be told where I was going or what I would be doing all summer.

I was in Minneapolis Minnesota for about 36 hours. They told us what role we would be doing, they gave a quick training and said we would be heading out the next day! We would find out our placement that morning.

YouthWorks has 69 sites in the United States plus one in Canada and one in Puerto Rice. So I could be any where, except Canada and Puerto Rico, cause I am not Canadian and I do not speak Spanish, but the idea is nice. =)

As the anticipation rose, and I kept telling God I was prepared to go anywhere I was needed, I kept asking, "please make me a spirit of rest for whatever team I come into contact with." I knew in this that God would sustain me wherever I was headed.

My pal Phil bought us all chipotle and sat us down to tell us where we were finally going for the summer, and I was so excited to open that freaking envelope, you would have thought that I was getting a very large sum of money in that thing.

I opened it up and the word HARRISBURG made my heart stop.

This is where I had served last year, and had fallen in love with the community.

I had literally felt like any chance of going back to this place was impossible, simply because my teammate from last year, Aaron, had already spoken up that he wanted to be the site director for this year.

Youthworks has never put two people from the same team back on the same team. They prefer to spread out the experience, so everyone can learn.

This was REALLY something out of the ordinary and REALLY out of the blue.

So I have spent the whole summer in this city I love with my friend Aaron, making new friends, kayaking on the Susquehanna River, and falling even more in love with the people of Harrisburg.

I have fallen so much in love I really feel like God has called to move to Harrisburg. I feel like there is a reason I am back here.  I feel like God is presenting me with an opportunity to start fresh and move out. To become a new person. The details are too precise for there not to be a reason I am back in Harrisburg.

However,

I also feel like God is calling me to Denver. I feel like he is calling me to the new church I have been attending. I feel like he is calling me to be a barista at the particular Starbucks on Colfax and Kalamath I work at. I feel like he is calling me to the Theatre Department as MSU. I feel like he has called me to work hard there in Denver.

But also,

I feel like both of these things are the right things. Both answers are the correct answer. What I actually think is happening, is that God is calling me to choose one, pick one, and be faithful in those places.

It doesn't really matter where I live or what I am doing.

The goal is always the same.

Love Jesus Love others.

Take responsibility for your mess.

Live your life like the God of the Universe actually came back to life!

So, how do you choose between two things that are so good?

Going to Harrisburg would be such a sigh of relief. I have failed a lot in Denver, and it would be a nice clean break from that failure. It's also MUCH cheaper to live here in the Burg, I could probably not be homeless.

But Denver, my friends and family live so close, and this new church is the BEST and there are so many future plans with it! I feel like Denver is MY city. I take responsibility for these people.

How do you choose between those things?

I don't know!

But I feel in my heart that I need to finish what I started in Denver.

There is so much of God pulling me towards Harrisburg. It's hard to say it's the wrong answer because it is probably the right answer.

I feel very torn in all the directions.

I feel confused.

I feel a little ashamed that my heart feels the way it does.

But my job is to be faithful in the places God has put me, no matter the place.

My job is to love Jesus, and love the people around me.

"I've seen many searching for answers far and wide, and I know we're all searching for answers only you provide, and you know just what we need before we say a word."

I was discussing today with one of my teammates, what it looks like to have a relationship with Christ, and often times, especially when we are in leaderships roles, we believe it looks like having our lives together, and pretending to be really great at what we do. Pretending we have control over what we are supposed to be doing.

But the reality is is that when we are on a team, we have people that point out our messes, and our weaknesses, and we can either deny them or we can say "Okay Jesus, here's my mess."

Walk in the mess. Take responsibility for our mess and try again.

It's okay to be afraid that we are going to fail.

It's okay that we will probably never get it perfectly.

What's not okay, is not trying at all.

So here I am in Harrisburg PA for the second summer in the row, because God is insane and I have no idea what he wants from me except to love his people.

I cannot wait to move back to Denver.

I cannot wait to have coffee with ALL THE PEOPLE.

If you're wondering if it's you it probably is you.

Also, I cannot wait to chill with a glass of Seagrams 7 on the rocks. LOL YouthWorks makes you sign a contract, which I totally understand. But still...

I can't wait to have all the hugs.

I can't wait to be back in my Starbucks, with my green apron and free coffee.

I can't wait to be back to class.

I can't wait to ride the train. (driving all the places in exhausting)

I want to come back to Harrisburg next summer as Site Director and see what God does with that.

I can't wait to see what God does with school.

I cannot wait to see what God does with my mess. How is he going to restore these things?

I'm prideful.

I'm selfish.

I am scared of everything.

I don't trust that God has a plan.

I don't love everyone the way they deserve to be loved.

And I am super freaking lazy a lot.

So here is to my decision.

May I walk in to it with strength.

With hope.

With the Spirit of the Lord flaring out of every part of me.

May I practice well and hard.

May I take criticism with love.

May I grow more dependent on who God is.

And lastly may I grow more at peace with my mess, trudging through it with tenacity and intentionality.

It is the faithful diligence of a single step a day that get's us through life.

I am a force to be reckoned with.

I am the chosen one. I am a city not forsaken.

My name is written on a scroll in heaven, and Jesus calls me by name.

I am filled with the spirit of the Lord.

I have been created to do and will do great things.

Me and my mess, we please the Lord.

I will sail the raging ocean, and drowned in the waves of chaos, and I will not be moved.

I am the chosen one. I am a city not forsaken.

He knit me together before I was even thought of here on earth.

He walks with me in every decision, every pain, every moment of fear and uncertainty.

I am whole and complete in who he has created me to be.

I am not longer forgotten or forsaken, but I was chosen for this life. I was chosen for a purpose.

So here I step out in uncertainty, and the wild stories that Jesus has me living.

May we learn to drown in the gray weird space that is not black or white, but completely and fully the overwhelming grace of God.

May you experience the fullness of his presence.

My life is already and insane story, I can't think of how it will get better, but he has promised it will.

Shalom and Namaste my loves.

You are loved more fiercely than you will ever realize.

Occasionally a Divine Mess

I kind of fell apart this semester.

I forgot a lot.

I forgot who I am.

I forgot my purpose and my goals.

I forgot that I am not floating around in space waiting for nothing.

I forgot that I am a force to be reckoned with.

I forgot that I have light that is needed.

I forgot.

I let the stress of school consume me.

I let the fear of trying and doing well freeze me.

I forgot that my identity is not in who the people around me are.

I forgot my identity is in my creator.

I couldn't keep my head down.

I let myself loose focus.

I forgot I was going somewhere.

*15 minutes of procrastinating because being honest with yourself is hard, and exhausting.*

I really let myself down.

I walked into the city, and expected to take it by storm.

I fell really flat.

I did not anticipate the learning curve.

I did not give myself grace to continue moving forward after I fell.

So I fell, beat myself up, fell again, beat my self up again, and the game went round and round.

I dug myself into my own little self pity hole of darkness.

There I stayed, hating who I was.

Hating who I am.

Feeling that terrifying feeling of loosing control of my life.

Again.

I'm so lucky.

That's the crazy part.

I have a great living situation.

I have some pretty incredible friends at school already.

*Snapchat break*

I was reading this book a friend passed to me.

You should all read it.

Falling in love with where you are by Jeff Foster.

It's a book of "inspirational poetry" I use quotations, because some of it is not inspirational, and it's just about us learning to be okay being a mess.

a poem....

A Divine Mess 

Fall apart completely 

Make a mess

Open up to your glorious inconsistency 

Embrace the perfection of your fabulous imperfection

And you will be able to say: 

I was there! 

I was alive! 

I was willing! 

This poem wrecked me in the middle of my school day

I had to leave the building because I was feeling the weight of my inconsistency.

I felt claustrophobic.

Like I was busting out of the cage I had put myself in.

All at once I was remembering, through my insecurities, through my stress, and through my failures, I still some how exist as a glorious human.

*two week time lapse*

I need you to know that despite my failures, despite my short comings I am really proud of myself.

Everyday this academic school year, I woke up took the bus to either, work super early in the morning or school at a normal hour.

Then Everyday I rode the bus home.

I went to my classes, I started a new job, moved to a new city, and made new friends that I will have for a life time.

I got really depressed and some how kept going.

I auditioned for shows, was in multiple performances, and sang in a choir.

I learned new things about who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.

I learned how to give myself grace in the midst of failure.

I learned how to speak kindly to myself.

I re-learned that people love me.

I will never understand this.

I learned that I love me.

Even in the midst of failure, of not doing my best, of depression, anxiety, and anger.

I can still love myself.

I need you to know I don't always love myself, and it feels like everyday I am learning again how to love me again, but sometimes it get's easier, and sometimes you remember easier, but not always.

I keep thinking, why am I writing this blog?

I'm writing this specific blog because it's helpful for me to be honest with myself.

But I write this blog, because when we talk of our failures and our short comings, or we shed light on our hurts and broken hearts, we don't isolate ourselves from each other, being honest about our lives, and our weakest moments, allows us to say "me too"

Sometimes it's easy for us to forget we're not the only ones on the planet, or that the bad guys aren't human.

Sometimes it's easy to think we're the only ones who struggle.

I just in these moments of hardship, heartbreak, depression, anxiety, and anger, I wish we could stand together.

I don't wish actually.

I know we can.

We have the power to see each other in these moments of desperation, and ask, how can I help?

We can see people with different ways of life, opinions, dreams, and goals, and ask how can I help.

So, may the spirit of glorious humanity overcome you.

May the breath of life that fills us all rise up within you.

May it cause you to dream of the possibilities.

May your failures, and moments of learning cause you to come along side the people around you and ask how can I help?

And when you're feeling claustrophobic,  may it be a catalyst, for growth, change, love, creation, art, and love.

And most of all may you learn to make a giant glorious human divine mess.

Occasionally I am better than you all.

I'm in the Musical Once Upon the Mattress at school this semester.

This is my first show at MSU.

I am very excited.

My character has no vocal lines.

But a random line needed to be picked up so your girl stepped up to the plate.

The line is literally is 12 short words.

So I'm stoked right? I'm like "I made it!"

And we're running it the next day, I've practiced all day.

We get close and closer to my cue, and I breathe in deep, here it comes!

....and I literally stumbled over every word.

I kept going.

I kept stumbling.

I couldn't make words form.

Everyone is looking at me.

Mud just keeps pouring out of my mouth.

5 seconds of time becomes what feels like a whole minute in slow motion.

I keep going with the line, because that's what you do.

You don't break character.

I finally walk off stage as the scene ends.

I just can't help thinking to myself, "Why do you have to suck so bad!? You had one job!!"

My life is full of these moment.

Mud mouth.

I work at Starbucks.

There is a routine, so you flow well with the pace of the cafe, so things come out quickly and efficiently.

Sometimes, I can't find my rhythm.

One time, my boss's boss came in and sat right at the bar and watched me make drinks for 2 hours.

I messed up every other drink  (I am not exaggerating...almost)

Why are you like this??? You have one job!!

I really go in on myself.

I would never do that to another person though.

I have some really dumb expectations for myself.

I have to be perfect and great, but everyone else is allowed to mess up.

It means I'm superior.

I have this massive ego.

If I'm not the most important person in the room.

I feel worthless.

It's so ridiculous.

My ego can be so fragile that I literally forget my purpose as a human is to let other people exist in their glory too.

I get so upset and frustrated when I feel not known.

I feel unwanted, when people don't make me feel special.

I can't just exist.

I can't be quietly confidant.

I have to be loud and insecure.

This semester has been really rough.

It's 100% my fault.

I'm out of my comfort zone.

I'm in a new place, (which I guess could be considered my comfort zone because of who I am.)

But this is school.

This is a big little city.

I'm in a place, in which I do not know my place.

Or maybe it's not that I don't know my place, but I've let the uncomfortably of my insecurity dictate who I am, and how I feel about myself.

I'm in this acting class, and I realized the other day (after a friend called me out) that I have this really bad attitude.

I want things to be my way.

I want people to think I'm super great.

I want people to like me and gush about how great I am.

Otherwise I just don't feel complete.

I need people to like me.

I need people to think I am great.

My ego is so fragile that I can't even mess up and still allow myself to be a person.

I have to be perfect.

I have to be liked by everyone.

I can't just exist in the space I take up.

...

(This is the half hour of me staring at instagram then staring back at my blog, trying not to come to this next conclusion, because being honest with yourself is hard.)

...

I guess all that to say, I'm being stubborn and lazy.

It's easier to pretend I am great, and pretend like I don't have to grow, than to actually grow.

I need to put on some big girl pants and I need to stand up, admit when I am wrong, admit when I am failing and try again.

When faced with the challenges of the world I need to lean in to them and allow them to teach me, rather than having an ego, trying to be great, I need to learn.

I told you guys! This blog is just about about me reminding myself what it looks like to fail. (at least when it's honest.)

My whole life is a single occasion.

I can either rise to it, learn from it and let it teach me.

Or I can run from it, be scared of it, and let it make me feel inadequate.

Either way it's going to teach me a lesson, just depends what I want to learn.

Kayla,

You are bold.

You are kind.

You are encouraging.

You're ability to learn is important.

You are whole, with or without failure.

You reflect the goodness of who God is.

Be at peace with the space you take up.

Let the mountains you have to climb, teach you what it means to live fully.

Let the struggles of today, give you a new sense for adventure, goodness, humility, and complete love.

I have to go to class, where I forgot to do a homework assignment, that I should have been doing instead of this.

I have to go take a quiz, that I'm like 70% sure I am not going to pass, but there is a chance, cause I pay attention and stuff.

(I'm just trying to be honest about where I am.)

I'm going to kick my ass in gear.

I am a good student.

In every way.

Encourage each other friends.

Be honest.

Love fiercely.







 

Occasionally, you're probably going to hate this blog.

There is a lot to say tonight....

I want to start by saying this isn't a political blog....hang in to the end...

I don't know if you have noticed the insanity happening in our world lately....

I can't stop thinking about it...

People keep telling me to stop...

I think that's the worst advice I've been given...no offense.

It's also impossible...

The big things happening in our world...like cutting health care...

Those things affect me...

...and not just emotionally.

Did you know the poverty line in the United States is $24,000?

I make 5,000 on average a year.

I keep hearing this "complement" from people....

"Ugh! You're so lucky you get financial aid!"

You are right. I am lucky.

If I didn't have financial aid, I wouldn't be able to eat, or go to the Dr., or pay bills, or have enough to pay my rent...

Oh, also, for the first time in like 3 years, I'm not technically homeless...so there's that...

Also, I can't just get an apartment...or a car....you have to have credit...or someone with credit to help you sign for that...but you can't build your credit unless you are paying for things...or get a credit card...

cause you have to have credit to get a credit card....

But dang it....I sure am lucky to go into debt a few thousand dollars more every semester.

Did you know 4% of people ever make it out of their economic status?

It must be from all that debt, we are so lucky to get.

But it's my choice right?

If I just work hard enough at my studies, one day, I'll find a magical job that will help pay off my super lucky debt, to help me finally go into more lucky debt, to pay for a stupid lucky credit card and lucky car, and lucky house.

DO YOU NOT SEE HOW LUCKY I AM??????????

I'm not writing this blog to make you feel bad!!

I am writing this because I want you all to see that not all of us are lucky enough to have a choice.

The phrase "pull your self up by your boot straps" is bull shit.

You have to have boot straps to pull yourself up by in the first place.

The American Dream is bull shit.

You have to have a dream that fits the nice little box the government hands you!

Not everyone is freely given the choice.

When we as people start deciding who gets to eat...

and who doesn't...

We all lose.

When we decide who lives or dies, we all lose.

When we decide who's perspective, story, voice, or pain matters more than anyone else, We all lose.

When we give money more power, we all lose.

When we decide who is worth loving and who is not.

We all lose.

When we decide someone is better than someone else....we all lose.

When we base the intelligence of a human being on their political leanings and affiliations...we all lose.

When we call the old president the devil, and the pray for the prosperity of the president elect...we all lose.

When we decide who gets access to health care, we all lose.

When we decide who can buy a cake from us and who can not, we all lose.

When we decide who can enter our country and who can not, we all lose.

When we decide who can come to our church and who can not, we all lose.

When we decide that the way to handle a peaceful protest is with freezing cold water in freezing cold temperatures, we all lose.

When we roll up our windows and don't look at a homeless person on the street corner, we all lose.

Do you see?

I can give you story after story....

I can give you inequality after inequality...

and you can tell me to stop talking politics...

But these aren't politics any more, friends.

These are people's lives.

This is your life.

This is my life.

The reality is we only get one choice in this life, and it is how we let our circumstances define us.

I know I always say how tired I am...

But I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of hearing about my muslim friends at school getting their hijab's torn off their head.

Or hearing about my friends who are gay, who happen to really love Jesus, being told their relationship with him isn't real.

I'm tired of watching people who don't live in poverty complain about their Starbucks order.

I'm tired of riding the bus and feeling like a 2nd class citizen because I don't have a car.

I'm tired of my friends becoming homeless and other people who have never been in that situation say "Well, you just got to work harder."

I get it, friends. We limit ourselves.

But that's the point!!

WE LIMIT OURSELVES!!

We make sure each other is doing what we are supposed to!

We hold each other accountable based on our own conceptions on what life is supposed to look like!

What if we stopped governing each other, and we began encouraging each other to see the world in a different light?

What if when someone was mean to us, we challenged the status quo and responded in love??

What if instead of refusing to make a cake for a couple who are gay, you made them two cakes and showed up at their wedding with champaign and smiles, reminding them both how loved they are!?

What if we simply smiled at that homeless person on the corner and told them they were loved.

What if the man that killed 9 people was told he was loved?!

What if instead of looking at money as the key to all things, what if you took away it's power and realized that the power of this world is actually in the people who love the world?!

What if you stopped looking at the world like it's a bunch of shit politics and you realized it's a bunch of broken people that need to be loved?!?!

What if you realized that not everyone is capable of pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, and maybe you could give them some boot straps, and then maybe help them pull them up?!!

It takes a village to be a person.

It takes a village to make it through the winter.

It takes a village to remind each other that they matter and are worth it.

This isn't political.

This is about people.

This is about what we believe each other deserves.

A drug addict still deserves a cup of water.

The people with the shitty attitudes that come through my Starbucks store and yell at my barista friends, still deserve to be loved and respected, and we don't get to decide they don't.

There is a power in loving those around us.

There is power in fighting through the things we are scared of.

It's midnight.

I am sitting in my bed, writing this blog because I had an anxiety attack.

There's a lot happening in this world.

There are a lot of things happening in my life.

I am scared of most of it.

I'm not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, quick enough, spiritual enough...

I don't work hard enough, think quick enough, act well enough, sing perfectly enough, love people enough, eat healthily enough....

I'm scared, of failing, succeeding, opening up my heart, making friends, falling in love, meeting new people, being hurt, getting lost....

I almost didn't register for classes this semester because I was scared of what would happen...I didn't do all too well last semester.

But the point isn't perfection I suppose, the point is is that we show up, we love people, we love ourselves, and we don't with hold love, from anyone...including ourselves.

I am so lucky to have a village.

I am so lucky that my entire life, someone has come along and reminded me how loved I am.

I don't know how to end this blog except to say...this isn't politics...this isn't about money...this isn't about social justice and your opinion on who get's what, that's not your opinion to have anyway....

This is about life...

It's the only reason we exist.

We exist because of love.

So what are you doing with your life....?