Occasional Fury.

My Birthday is in a half hour.

And I just watched that new movie Fury.

Way to ring in 25!

While there is something to be said for that cast, as they were incredible.

That movie, broke my heart.

2 reasons.

First, as soon as the movie was finished, people got up and left.

Call me emotional, call me soft, call me whatever, but I felt as if I wasn't going to be able to move for the next 45 minutes.

Second, that movie, that is depicting REAL historical events, is also depicting REAL accurate events of today.

There was this one line in the movie that just wrecked me.

Boyd Swan: Wait until you see it.
Norman Ellison: See what? 
Boyd Swan: What a man can do to another man.

All I can see is a broken world right now. 

That movie, is putting the real life of millions of people on to our screen, and we worry about how our steak is cooked. 

And my friends who are gay, think that the Church hates them to their very core. But no one has a friend that is gay, and understands what it feels like. 

And we complain about the temperature of our beverage. 

And there are people being sold like an everyday grocery item. 

And all we see is tear in our brand new jeans. 

And people are dying because someone decided that their opinions, and way of life are more important. 

And all we see is how long our food is taking to come out of the kitchen. 

My birthday is in 4 minutes. 

We speak as if know how life is supposed to go. 

We speak as if we know what is going to happen. 

We speak as if we have walked 300 miles in another persons shoes. 

But when we speak all the world hears is hate. 

We throw the N word around because if you're black it's okay, but forget that that word was used to demoralizes and dehumanize an entire race of incredible people. 

We scream at girls and tell them they are whores because they wanted to keep a guy who "loves" them, but we ostracize them the minute they abort it. 

We speak with the tongues of men and angels and we have not a taste of love. 

Because truth with out grace is condemnation. 

And Grace without truth is a lie. 

We tell people, that sex before marriage is wrong, and then chase the younger generation to porn.

It's my birthday.

We have these joyous moments in our lives, that leave us laughing until we cry.

But I am overwhelmed at the brokeness that consumes our lives.

That consumes our world.

When are we going to be a people that longs for peace?

That longs for a real love?

Something pure and deep.

I tell you, right now I am sobbing because of war.

Because of hurt.

Because of trauma.

Because of the loss.

My heart breaks for the people that feel like they just aren't seen.

My heart breaks for the people that are seen everyday, but do not know what it feels like to be loved.

It would be easy to give up.

There is so much to do.

But if I gave up.

Who would do it?

If not me then whom?

If not now then when?

Wait until you see it.

See what?

What a man can do to another man.

Occasionally a Scholar

Today, I was face to face with my future.

It was incredibly daunting.

I saw what house I might live in.

I saw the food I might eat.

The places I might study.

The Career I might have later.

It was terrifying.

I have the the worst fear of auditioning for school.

I have a fear of all the paper work.

All the practicing.

All the nights I will have to spend working, instead of socializing.

I have a fear of the shaping and buffing my character is going to have to take to get to a place where I could even glance at the opportunity at being successful.

I have a fear of being told no.

Because I am going to be. That is just the reality.

People are not going to like the way I look, the way I sound. the way I speak, the clothes I wear, or the way my heart hangs out on my sleeve like a decoration instead of in my chest where people can't see exactly how I feel every single day of my life.

On top of other peoples opinions, I am faced with my own and doubts in myself.

And it all boils down to, how bad do I want this?

I mean the reality is, I could go to CSU, and life would be fine. And I would do well.

And it would be really safe. Everything would go normally.

But if I have learned one things about preforming, it is you have to take a risk.

Right? I have to take a risk? Some big ones.

This is something I can do.

I am learning what it means to be an excellent musician from incredible musicians.

I am learning how to study like a great student.

I am learning to practice, like an excellent performer.

I learning to give myself grace when I make mistakes.

I am learning to work my ass off.

I have the guts to do this, and the drive.

I want this.

I really do.

There is so many time's in my life when I have let myself down.

I overthink things or give into the lazy side of me.

I am done with that life.

I am receiving a college education.

I am a strong person.

I am a caring person.

I am a kind person.

I deserve to treat myself with respect.

I deserve to work hard to reach my goals.

I have an incredible support system, and even if I didn't I could STILL do and be all these things.

I realize my blog tends to repeat itself with me, reminding myself, who I am.

But I have to keep doing it.

I forget so easily.

I have day's like today, and begin to tremble with fear.

I get piles of homework, and begin to doubt, why I am even in school in the first place.

I get so down on myself, in every way.

Bare with me everyone, these are my pep talks in attempt at rising to the occasion.

Because I will rise to the occasion. Right now. I am working hard at being a scholar.

I am working hard at being a great friend.

I am working at being honest.

I am working hard to plan for the future, by being present in the now.

Be present.

Work hard.

Watch me rise.

Watch me fall.

Either way, I will have the greatest adventures, meet the greatest people, see the greatest places, have the greatest food, and will have lived the greatest life.

A wise man once said...

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

Dr. Seuss