I looked in the mirror today.
And what I saw was nothing that I liked.
I hated the way I looked.
I hated the way I hadn't showered since yesterday.
I hated the clothes I wear.
I hated the fat on my body.
I hated my height.
I hated my T-rex arms.
I hated the way my legs look like a KFC drum stick.
I hated the tiny white hairs that make up my eyebrows.
The teeth in my mouth.
My lack of a top lip.
I can go on...
But this loathing...
It won't go away.
There is so much self hatred in my heart.
I hate my lack of study skills.
My lack motivation.
My lack of work ethic.
My lack of financial capabilities.
My lack of confidence.
Again, I could go on forever.
It doesn't help when people point out your downfalls.
It doesn't help when college is the one place where you feel like you are learning absolutely everything, but it shoves in your face how little you know and how small and inadequate you are in comparison to the thousands of people taking a stab at your major and the people who have already mastered it.
But comparison is the thief of joy.
And Mirror Mirror on the wall will not tell you who's the fairest of them all.
All I can say is I am tired.
I am tired of not loving myself.
I am tired looking at myself and not absolutely loving ME.
I am tired of singing and not feeling like I am great at it.
I am tired of feeling like there is always something I have to be working on.
I am tired of feeling like I will never have rest, and that I need to work harder.
I want to see what the people who believe in me see.
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to look at myself in the mirror and love the parts of me that I hate.
This is a huge conflict because one side of my heart is devastated, while the other side of my heart can't figure out why people don't think I'm 100% awesome. Both sides equally doubt each other.
Both sides equally fight for time in my head.
But some how the desperation and confusion seems to feel heavier and more powerful.
There is this thought in the back of my mind, to give up on music.
...to give up on working hard.
I feel like a whinny teenager.
"Life is haaaard."
"School Suuuuuucks."
I'm not trying to feel sorry myself.
But I can't seem to get out of the cycle of self hatred.
The seasons in my life swing in wide ranges from complete confidence and way too much pride to utter self loathing.
I think I am learning to live somewhere in the middle.
Where my emotions aren't running ramped and I don't live in a high and low.
I want to learn that my downfalls aren't my undoing.
I want to learn that the things I don't know make me a more educated person.
I want to learn that may faults do not define me.
This is a hard blog for me. Because I am not entirely certain how I feel about myself.
I know how Jesus feels about me. I'm going to be honest though, nights like tonight, that seems abstract and obscure.
I realize this post is basically a bunch of complaining about my life and how hard the opportunity to go to school is.
I realize that at some point my paradigm is going to switch and I am going to realize that I am going to read this in a few months and go "oh Kayla."
But I am so overwhelmed right now.
I am so tired.
I'm faking my way into liking my life.
And I want to love life right now, instead of waiting till it changes again.
I love music.
I love school.
I love learning.
And right now I don't know if I like those things.
I find myself craving intentional relationships.
I'm missing something.
I missing so much.
I am so inadequate.
I want to go to the place where I don't believe this.
I want to go to the place where I look in the mirror and it does tell me who's the fairest one of all.
I want to go to the place where one persons opinions has no weight in my heart.
I want to go to the place where I look at my self and see me for all the possibilities, faults included.
I want the dead things in my heart turned back to life.
I'm missing something.
I am so inadequate.
