Occasionally Afraid.

Guys, my Mommy is leaving.

She is taking my youngest brother and sister with her.

She is not leaving out of malice, or hurt, she is leaving because she has to.

But I feel left.

I feel abandoned.

Here I am a grown ass woman, almost 25, feeling abandoned by her mommy.

NEEEERD.

But am I?

My whole life has centered around my family.

"My name is Kayla Smith, I am from Greeley, Colorado. I have 5 younger siblings that are all taller than me. And I love Jesus more than anything."

My family is part of my identity.

Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I am so scared.

I am so scared to be my own person.

Without my family.

I'm afraid my sister is going to not have anyone to stand up for her.

I am afraid my mom is going to forget important things.

I am afraid my brother is not going to have anyone on his side.

I am afraid that I am not going to make it without them.

These are all irrational fears of course because I've been out of the house for 5 years now.

And here they still are living and such.

I don't know why this fear of growing up and moving on with my life with out them is so huge.

Cause it's not like it will be without them. It's not like I am never going to see them again.

It's not as if I am alone.

I say all these things...

...yet here I am.

Afraid.

Afraid of what comes next.

Afraid of moving on.

Afraid of doing life by myself.

Afraid of losing my family.

You're not losing your family Kayla!

So many tiny fears inside of me that creep into huge, monster fears.

Fears that cripple you.

Fears that bring you to tears.

Fears that cause you to do irrational things.

So how?

How do we walk out of fear?

How do we look fear in the face and say bring it on??

How do we overcome it?

"We Gain strength, and courage, and confidence, by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot."

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Can I get an amen?

I want to do great things.

I want to inspire greatness in others.

I want to love people unconditionally.

So I walk through the pains of today, so I can experience the joys of tomorrow.

Life is a weird cycle like that I guess.

You have to experience both good and bad in order to be considered alive.

Imperfection. Beauty.

Both parts of the human existence.

Occasionally The Avatar.

When I think about the way my life has turned out, part of me grimaces.

The other part of me dawns a sly grin when I think of all the close scrapes I’ve come through.

And then there is a whole other part of me that thinks, “I might be one of the coolest people I know.”

These are 2 stories of how I rose to the occasion this year.

In 2006 I attempted this obstacle ropes course 40 feet in the air.

C.O.P.E.

Challenging Outdoor Personal Experience.

Challenging is the word I would use.

But it seems an understatement.

It is terrifying.

I lost my cool almost immediately. 

Sobbing is also an understatement.

My friend had to come rescue me. They had to cut me out of the harness cause I couldn’t move.

It sucked. I don’t remember what it was that came over me that made me freak out cause it was like 8 years ago.

But I told myself, and everyone else, I was NEVER getting back up there again.

I also told everyone and myself I wasn’t going back to school after I graduated from High school.  I graduated with a 2.4 GPA and received a 17 on the ACT. Yikes.

I thought school was silly.

I thought getting a paper that said you had education was bologna.

Regardless, Here I am, finishing my first year of College.

Associates in Music; Vocal Performance.

Which means I take over 18 credit hours a semester. (I am currently enrolled for 22 credit hours in the upcoming fall semester.)

I finished this past spring semester with a cumulative GPA of 3.79.

And Just after I spent all summer depressed, and angry with my weight, and scared I was not going to finish anything. I climbed up on the COPE course and finished it.

Like a freaking boss.

I worked all summer at a Boy Scout camp, teaching Kayaking and Canoeing, the whole time telling myself I wasn’t going to make it.

And I did.

See?! Life happens.

It gets hard.

And so many obstacles hit and all I want to do is cry.

So many of the choices I make, suck, maybe 40% of them are good choices.

This is an example of the battle going on inside me.

Have you seen Avatar; the Last Air bender?

There are two main characters in the story.

 Avatar Aang, and Prince Zuko.

Aang is the cute little kid who is happy go lucky, but also struck with large amounts of fear. He makes all of his choices based on the goodness in him, but sometimes can’t help overcoming the fear of his worth. I mean he has to fight the Fire Lord. Who is the badest guy around.  But he still always makes the right decision in the end.

Now Zuko, he starts out hunting the Avatar. He was banished by his father, the Fire Lord, and is seeking out Aang to regain his honor.   He continually fights a war inside of himself. The Good side of him, eventually wins. But he struggles the whole time.

I guess the reason I tell you all this, is because I feel like I am both the Avatar and Prince Zuko.

I feel like I am always afraid of the greatness inside of me.

I also feel like there is a constant fight between good and evil going on inside of me.

So right now, in this moment, I have a fear of being successful.

The fight inside of me is about being lazy, or being an adult.

Making good choices, or watching too much Avatar.

I’m tired.

I have every reason to be frustrated.

I have every reason to be angry.

I mean life has not turned out the way I want it too.

But that’s a childish way to look at it I guess.

But when you think of the pile of crap I’ve had to deal with in my life it is easy to see life through dingy glasses.

And I go through phases of anger and self hatred.

But there are those small windows of moments after I received the e-mail telling me what my GPA was.

And the moment I hit the ground from repelling the 40 feet in the trees.

Those small moments of victory.

Over coming a fear.  

Making a small good decision when I could have easily made a bad decision.

When I could have just not made a decision at all.

I’m sitting at my mom’s house on the floor, cause I have no bed, I have absolutely no money. And will be couch surfing till school starts next month.

But man,

I enjoy life.

A lot.

I know all the best people.

I eat all the best food.

I go all the best places.

And experience all the greatest things.

I am sitting here with a glass of water.

Watching Friends.

It’s hot.

And life is oh so sweet.

Even though it has the greatest possibility to fall apart.

Yay for doing things I didn’t think I could do!

Yay for new days, so you can make new decisions!

Yay for the promise of change, so things that suck never have to stay the same, and things that rock can be amazing memories, to remind you of who you are!

Yay for life

Occasionally valued.

I started reading this post about why people don't need feminism.

And there were many serious reasons and many silly reasons.

I almost started blasting my opinion on the web of what feminism is and is not, and how silly people were and so on and so forth.

Then I asked myself "Why?"

Why does my opinion even matter to the people that read my 15th facebook status of the day?

Why do I feel the need to tell people my opinion?

What, inside of me, is dying to explode out?

And I don't know what came over me, but I realized the answer to my own question immediately.

The answer is NOT because I'm a loud mouth. (However true that statement may be.)

The answer is NOT because I think I know something (However strongly I feel.)

The answer is...

...because I want to be valued.

I want to be valued as a woman.

I want to be a valued opinion.

I want just want to be valued.

It's human nature.

I want someone to value my soul.

I want someone to see my heart and appreciate the ideas and passions that come streaming from it.

I believe that's why we don't "like" people who have strong opposing opinions.

Maybe I'm just stating the obvious here, but we tend to have anything but appreciation for people who disagree with out morals and standards, do not misinterpret me, we need to stick to our guns.

But when our own heart is craving that value and appreciation....

And we withhold our own abilities to see and appreciate those that "oppose us"...

Do you see my inner conflict?

How do we change this?

I just want to be valued.

I can't imagine that I am the only one.

I want to see someone.

I want to appreciate the work that they have put into life.

Life is hard.

We all know that.

Can we just appreciate that it's hard for everyone, and not make it worse?

Rise to your identity.

So work has opened my eyes to a lot of things that I doubt myself on and the restrictions I put myself under. And one night when I was attempting to remind myself where I stand, this came out.  And well, Jesus' way of life is just so much better then anything I can imagine.  

You spend your whole life worrying.

And it doesn’t get you anywhere.

You spend your whole life plotting and planning,

And you just wave as life passes you by with out actually living it.

You never worry about yourself.

You only worry about the people you love.

You worry so much, you make yourself sick.

And it doesn’t get you anywhere.

Why do you forget that life was made to be lived?

Why do you forget that life was made for the struggle?

Why do you forget that you are not alone?

Why does the anger from the past control you to the point of exhaustion?

Why is it impossible for you to let go?

Why do you set limits for yourself?

Why do you let fear and shame control your actions and the direction and ferocity of your love??

Is it not said that you live with the Breath of Life guiding your very actions?

Is it not true that your identity is not defined by you actions but by your creator?

Can you not live your life in the wastefulness of grace?

Can you not remember the promise of forgiveness?

It stares at you in the eye, pleading for you to just catch a glimpse of it.

These burdens are not yours.

Forgive them.

These worries are not yours.

Accept the gift of grace.

This sickness, is a lie.

Release it as such.

This fear is not of God.

Forbid it’s existence.

You are a child of the one true God.

You are a child of the creator.

You walk in the footsteps of a spirit so vast, you can not comprehend it’s dimensions.

May Peace be with you.

Grace pour over you.

Forgiveness drowned you.

And courage and adventure be the spirit coursing through your veins.