Occasionally Afraid.

Guys, my Mommy is leaving.

She is taking my youngest brother and sister with her.

She is not leaving out of malice, or hurt, she is leaving because she has to.

But I feel left.

I feel abandoned.

Here I am a grown ass woman, almost 25, feeling abandoned by her mommy.

NEEEERD.

But am I?

My whole life has centered around my family.

"My name is Kayla Smith, I am from Greeley, Colorado. I have 5 younger siblings that are all taller than me. And I love Jesus more than anything."

My family is part of my identity.

Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I am so scared.

I am so scared to be my own person.

Without my family.

I'm afraid my sister is going to not have anyone to stand up for her.

I am afraid my mom is going to forget important things.

I am afraid my brother is not going to have anyone on his side.

I am afraid that I am not going to make it without them.

These are all irrational fears of course because I've been out of the house for 5 years now.

And here they still are living and such.

I don't know why this fear of growing up and moving on with my life with out them is so huge.

Cause it's not like it will be without them. It's not like I am never going to see them again.

It's not as if I am alone.

I say all these things...

...yet here I am.

Afraid.

Afraid of what comes next.

Afraid of moving on.

Afraid of doing life by myself.

Afraid of losing my family.

You're not losing your family Kayla!

So many tiny fears inside of me that creep into huge, monster fears.

Fears that cripple you.

Fears that bring you to tears.

Fears that cause you to do irrational things.

So how?

How do we walk out of fear?

How do we look fear in the face and say bring it on??

How do we overcome it?

"We Gain strength, and courage, and confidence, by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot."

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Can I get an amen?

I want to do great things.

I want to inspire greatness in others.

I want to love people unconditionally.

So I walk through the pains of today, so I can experience the joys of tomorrow.

Life is a weird cycle like that I guess.

You have to experience both good and bad in order to be considered alive.

Imperfection. Beauty.

Both parts of the human existence.