Occasionally my own road block.

This spring break was an interesting one.

Saw my mom and sister in North Carolina! So Fun!

Road tripped to Nashville!

So awesome!

I had an interesting experience in Nashville.

I visited Belmont University, where I had a preview Voice lesson.

It was interesting.

A lot of things were said, but to sum up, he basically told me that it was one thing to admire musicians it was a whole other thing to have talent.

I was livid.

I was so angry.

I kept thinking in my head, am I really that bad?

I must be kidding myself.

Why would he say something like that he does know me!

I mean I was angry.

I kept thinking "why?"

"Why, am I so angry at him?? He doesn't know me! He barely heard me sing!"

I don't know, something just clicked.

I'm angry because he made me realize he was kind of right.

Let me be clear....I do have the talent.

I have confidence in the sound of my voice.

I have a lot to work on as far as consistency, practice habits, vocal placement, and theory.

I don't have the drive to work on that everyday for the rest of my life.

This fact broke my heart.

I love singing.

I guess not enough.

I'm so glad that guy was an A-hole and said something honest.

Not that my teachers aren't honest, their job job is to encourage, not discourage.

I get really wrapped up in the things I can't do, and I don't let people be honest with me.

I build up this nice big wall and don't let people tell me how they feel.

I don't let people feel accepted just the way they are, I have these giant expectations of myself that are rediculous and I expect everyone to follow suit.

Or when I know someone is capable of more I get so angry at them, because they aren't acting like they are capable of more.

I have this deep rooted desire for things to be awesome.

I don't even know what awesome looks like to be completely honest.

I am struggling even to put my feelings into words at this point.

I have this giant abstract idea of what I want to be but have no idea how to get there.

I'm sitting in my room, and honestly, the thought of the future is terrifying.

I've been unbelievably depressed for 3 days now.

And I can't tell you exactly why.

I've had such a great week! I got a job that I am beyond excited for!

I have a smidge more direction now then I did before this week, by process of elimination.

I think as a society we over look the value of honesty.

We want everyone to tell us how awesome we are.

We don't want people to tell us how much we have to improve.

And when I say we I mean ME.

I love people who are bold enough to be honest with me.

When I am honest with someone, it means I care, cause if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't tell you how I feel. It's why I like people who tell me the truth. 

People who care, tell the truth.


I think I am tired because I am tired of trying.

Trying to be someone that is awesome.

And I don't even know what that looks like.

Is that it?

I have some preconceived idea and huge expectation of what life is supposed to look like...?

I just want to learn and grow and empower people, and sing and dance and make people laugh.

I want to show people that life doesn't have to be boring....

Yet...Laziness gets in my way.

Anger gets in my way.

My expectations get in my way.

I get in my way.

Occasionally (Mostly) Full of Bologna

Live in the present.

Kayla your mind is so full of thoughts.

What is going to happen?

What are you going to do with your future?

You're never going to make it.

Why do you think you deserve to make it?

Why can't you believe in yourself?

Why do you have to make everything so complicated???

This question....why??

I realized it is a waste of time.

Why do you do the things you do?

Well there are a million an a half answers.

But I feel like the right answer is "cause you do!"

You think the way you think, if you want it to change, you have to just change it.

Kayla! You have the power to change this thought process.

Your words are mute unless followed by actions.

Decide who you want to be and just be that person.

I WANT TO BE ME! But I have no idea who that is!

I have no idea what Kayla looks like, I know she's trying to look awesome, and be awesome, and sound awesome and be this strong powerful woman who is confidant and who empowers other people.

But the honest to God truth is....I'm trying too hard.

I'm pushy.

I talk to much.

I have too large an opinion.

I am not mold-able. 

I have dug my heals into the ground and challenged anyone to move me.

And I'm begging anyone to pull me out of whatever rut I have sunk my feet in.

I've convinced myself that it's going to take a tough person to break my shell, and there is no one who is going to be tough enough.

I have convinced myself that no one will understand me.

I have convinced myself I am alone in this world with my thoughts, and my friends are simply bystanders who put up with me.

I've convinced myself that people aren't worth opening up to.

And part of that is a lack of trust, due to the large amounts of people who have emotionally left my life.

The first sign I see someone putting up a wall, I take it completely personally and shut them out before they can shut me out.  A defense mechanism that makes it all hurt less I guess.

I don't show people the real me, because I am not really sure what that person looks like anymore.

I was asked this week what I am most passionate about.

I know what I am passionate about, but it's hard to put into words.

I am passionate about empowering people. I am passionate about entertaining people.

I am passionate about singing. I am passionate about theater.

Theater.

Where you can make decisions and they have purpose and meaning.

And you can mess up and try it again.

Theater, where you get to create art, with all forms of the definition.

I guess what I am saying is I owe you all an apology.

I am full of crap.

And I have decided that none of you are worth getting to know the real me.

Which is not fair.

To any one.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life in this moment in time.  

I am so grateful for the people in my past.

I am so grateful for the people that have ever loved me and invested time in me, even when they called my bluff, knew I was only being polite and continued to invest and love me anyway.

I think this is the most honest I have been with anyone in a long time. And if this computer was a person, I don't think I would have the guts to say what I have just said, so thank you for allowing me to express myself through such a round about way, and understanding.

Occasionally kicking ass.

I don't know if you know this about me...but I am a superb pep-talker. 

I know how to make you feel like you can handle anything. 

I address all your insecurities and then make them disappear. 

I have no idea how I do it. 

All I know is that if you need a good reminder of how awesome you are, I am your girl. 

But, I often wonder what I would say to myself if I needed a pep talk. 

I mean, who knows my insecurities better than I?

Probably everyone, I don't hide them well. 

And then I get pissed off when someone sees them!

So here I go. 

A letter. 

From me, to me. 


Dear Kayla,

Get up! Get up out of bed and just do something! 

Anything. 

Today is not going to kill you. 

Today is not going to make you small. 

Today you are going to kick some ass and take some names. 

It's okay. 

You don't have to do everything perfectly the first time. 

You don't even have to get everything right the 100th time. 

You will get it right when you get it right, and then you need to get it right 100 more times. 

It takes time to become great. 

Be patient with yourself. 

You're a beginner. 

You can work hard and efficiently. 

You can eat good food and work out and still have time to practice and do homework. 

Also! Have I mentioned you have great legs!? 

Yea! No! seriously! You do! They are solid, they are shapely and strong and they are NOT man legs.

Speaking of physical beauty! 

Have you seen your self in the mirror lately?

Cause, DAMN. 

Don't even get me started on how big your smile is? It goes perfectly with that red hair of yours! 

And your height! It might be my favorite things about you! You're so short and cute I could put you right in my pocket! 

Keep working out like a boss, cause I know you enjoy it! 

Kayla, I don't think you know this yet, but you're going to change the world. 

You're going to be madly in love with your job, and the people around you, and some handsome man with a beard. Maybe a mustache. 

But just so you know, 

People want and love to hang out with you, all the time. 

You're friends are lucky to have you, and your teachers love having you in class. They've told me so! 

But just so you know, it's okay to be by yourself too. 

Sometimes you just need to do your homework, and miss out on the crazy fun party everyone is going to. 

You're really smart, kiddo. 

And one day you won't have to worry about parties, and homework, because you'll be the party. 

But right now, kick it into gear and do that homework. 

Remember it's okay if you can't get a piece of homework done. It is NOT the end of the world. It does NOT make you a terrible student. 

What makes someone a terrible student is their lack of care toward school. 

You got this. 

Oh! And when you're in choir and voice lessons don't forget to have fun! 

You always get so serious, that's not who you are. 

Enjoy yourself. 

You love to sing! Act like it!

All the practicing that you keep putting off, knock it off! Practicing only makes you better. You can tell and you know it. Just get in the practice room! 

Slow your self down, you don't need to work on a ton of the piece, just small pieces. 

One at a time.  

Don't bite off more than you can chew.

If you only learn one measure correctly, you're doing it right! 

BE PATIENT. 

Speaking of patience, I know some people suck, but don't forget you suck sometimes too, so be kind, be patient, be loving, and listen when people talk. 

Listen, then react. Not the other way around. 

You're a good listener, you can do better. 

I love you. 

I believe in you.

And I want you to succeed. 

I know you're scared. 

I know you are going to mess up, but it's okay, you've been through way worse, and you made it out alive. 

And you aren't alone. 

You have the greatest friends ever. 

Seriously.  You do.

Be at peace, the moment you have now is all you got, make it the best moment you can.

Love, Me. <3

P.S. All the Universities you're visiting this week, would be lucky to have you, just smile, be yourself, and don't let them all intimidate you, they're just people with insecurities, past mistakes, and they have to give themselves pep-talks occasionally too. You're fine. You got this.