I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about the season of life I am in.
I told her I feel like I have lost my prayer voice.
I feel like God isn't talking to me.
Like Mother Theresa, this is my season of silence.
I mean, really though, I hear God every now and then.
So is it me just not listening?
Is God speaking a new language?
Maybe he is just speaking less?
So many questions.
I feel distant.
I miss Jesus.
I don't know what that means, especially since I believe the spirit and essence lives inside of who I am.
Take a deep breath...this next part is a lot....but remember who wrote the blog you're reading. =)
This is a new area of life for me.
For the first time in my entire life, I live in a stable environment.
I am independent.
Do not get me wrong I am still in need of friends, and am currently living with an incredible couple renting me out their spare bedroom. SHOUT OUT TO THE REID FAMILY!!!
Also, the friends I have made at MSU I truly do not deserve.
The love and support I have received from that community, it literally came out of no where.
I still need my friends from my old communities, the ones that drive 2 hours to come see me for 5.
The ones that make trips up to Denver and try and find a way to get to see me while they are here.
It literally is blowing my mind, how much support I have. I don't deserve any of it.
I feel more confidant in who I am as a person than I ever have.
I have the best job and co-workers ever.
Everything is better than I could have dreamed my reality to be.
So what is wrong with me then?!
I have insane anxiety.
My depression is often so overwhelming I can't get out of bed.
I'm having asthma attacks way too many times then normal.
But like I said....my life is perfect.
So what is this?
Why can I not hear God?
What is he waiting for?
Why do I feel so angry?
I mean I'm so in love with where I am. But I am so angry.
I'm unhappy with myself, with my heart.
As you know I always pretend to have answers but never actually do, so this is mostly just my thought process without the soultion(ha! I did that on accident, but get it!!!??)
Sometimes I feel like God has put us here on earth and left us to fend for ourselves, it's the only way I explain the paradox in my head of his grace, but also the reason prayer only "works" part of the time.
Yes, I understand prayer isn't a vending macheine.
Yes, I understand we don't always under stand what God's purpose is.
I know all the answers, friends.
I know God is doing something and I just have to be patient and "praise him in the hall way."
I know he has a plan.
I know I need to keep going.
But like also sometimes I just want to scream at God and make him take responsibility for the things he has put me through!!
Yes, I realize this is arrogant.
Yes, I realize I have to take responsibility.
My whole life has been me taking responsibility for my actions.
I just want God to say something.
I'm selfish.
I want God to fix everything.
Yes, I realize he doesn't fix everything.
So why does our God create us and then drop us here on this planet, when we just destroy each other.
Thousands of people are dying each year, because it boils down to each of us believing we know better than the next.
We live in world where most of our religions come from the same God, yet we are each convinced ours is the right one, because we believe we have the correct literature that describes ours as the correct way of life.
....and we destroy each other.
The bible tells us not to murder....
Yet we turn to our fellow human and tell them their lifestyle is illegitimate.
But we tell them we "only tell them the truth out of love" and kill part of their hearts.
But we haven't murdered anyone....right??
Please don't get me wrong!
I love the Church.
It can be the very definition of love.
It can be a powerful force for change.
It can be a safe place for the soul to rest, and be revived.
But we have Savior complexes and rarely ask what people need or how we can help and then often times we only save those who deserve it
We go to church and we worship, and then we leave and then forget the rest of life is worship too.
Being angry, being unable to process the silence of God, allowing yourself to be loved by others, choosing to love those that are not easy to love that don't deserve to be loved, not because we want to further the gospel, but because Jesus genuinely loves our souls, the gospel can come after the person is shown the value of their soul, but also, maybe we're not here to save souls, maybe we're just here to see their value.
We preach on grace and our need to accept it for ourselves. But we have limits on our own grace we extend, because if we let people believe their lives are valid, we some how are going against our moral laws. So we hang out with people who aren't like us because it's a "ministry."
Lord, that just feels gross to even say.
Can we PLEASE stop making ministries and just start living like the God of the universe sees our value?!?!
That should be the end of the story right?
Jesus died, and then rose, and we should live a life that sees the value of that life, and respects people's right to choose God or not.
I guess, what I am saying is I am tired.
I realize I am always tired, and thank you for listening to my exhaustion and process on the vastness of God, and spirituality and being human....you know...the really easy subjects...
But I'm tired, of being a Christian and being scared of being a human being.
We put so many rules, can't do this, can't do that.
Can't doubt God.
Can't have anxiety.
Can't be imperfect.
Can't be unhealthy.
Can't curse.
Can't have sex before marriage. (No I am not implying this is okay, I'm implying it's another rule we use to govern each other by)
Can't do this Can't do that.
Where is the God that created us?
If he created us to be both sinner and saint, why do we expect to only be a saint??
I realize we were "Created to be holy and with out fault" (Ephesians 1:4 look it up BEST book in the whole new testament.)
But that is supposed to be War Cry of freedom, not a white flag of defeat.
We were created to be holy and without fault.
But we were created to make mistakes.
Otherwise what is the point of Grace, and God. If we were perfect we wouldn't need a heavenly being that saves us from our selves.
God did not give us the option of choice without a reason right?
He knew we wouldn't all choose him.
I'm not trying to excuse harmful behavior and a life full of sinfulness.
But what I am saying is that we cannot expect each other, especially those of us who are not christians, to be perfect.
We can not hold imperfection against each other.
We must view imperfection as a window into someones soul.
We must see the value in each person. Seeing them as if they are full of the same divine spirit that lives inside of ourselves.
May those that should be found but feel lost, continue choosing love over cynicism.
May we have grace and love for those that feel lost.
May we seek the value of the soul, rather than the place of heaven where we don't die.
May we seek true heaven, in that we are united in Jesus, and those that value the peace of companionship.
May we seek adventure even in the seasons of silence.
May our hearts longing for Jesus, be quenched.
May we seek to understand rather than be understood.
May you find community that understands your heart.
May we seek to comfort rather than be comforted.
May you find community that comforts your soul.
May we live each day as a dance party with our best friends.
May we find moments in the monotony, that brings life to our hearts.
And when God is silent, or we are not listening, may we find ways to seek him out.
May the wholeness of God find you in your emptiness.
