I'm in the Musical Once Upon the Mattress at school this semester.
This is my first show at MSU.
I am very excited.
My character has no vocal lines.
But a random line needed to be picked up so your girl stepped up to the plate.
The line is literally is 12 short words.
So I'm stoked right? I'm like "I made it!"
And we're running it the next day, I've practiced all day.
We get close and closer to my cue, and I breathe in deep, here it comes!
....and I literally stumbled over every word.
I kept going.
I kept stumbling.
I couldn't make words form.
Everyone is looking at me.
Mud just keeps pouring out of my mouth.
5 seconds of time becomes what feels like a whole minute in slow motion.
I keep going with the line, because that's what you do.
You don't break character.
I finally walk off stage as the scene ends.
I just can't help thinking to myself, "Why do you have to suck so bad!? You had one job!!"
My life is full of these moment.
Mud mouth.
I work at Starbucks.
There is a routine, so you flow well with the pace of the cafe, so things come out quickly and efficiently.
Sometimes, I can't find my rhythm.
One time, my boss's boss came in and sat right at the bar and watched me make drinks for 2 hours.
I messed up every other drink (I am not exaggerating...almost)
Why are you like this??? You have one job!!
I really go in on myself.
I would never do that to another person though.
I have some really dumb expectations for myself.
I have to be perfect and great, but everyone else is allowed to mess up.
It means I'm superior.
I have this massive ego.
If I'm not the most important person in the room.
I feel worthless.
It's so ridiculous.
My ego can be so fragile that I literally forget my purpose as a human is to let other people exist in their glory too.
I get so upset and frustrated when I feel not known.
I feel unwanted, when people don't make me feel special.
I can't just exist.
I can't be quietly confidant.
I have to be loud and insecure.
This semester has been really rough.
It's 100% my fault.
I'm out of my comfort zone.
I'm in a new place, (which I guess could be considered my comfort zone because of who I am.)
But this is school.
This is a big little city.
I'm in a place, in which I do not know my place.
Or maybe it's not that I don't know my place, but I've let the uncomfortably of my insecurity dictate who I am, and how I feel about myself.
I'm in this acting class, and I realized the other day (after a friend called me out) that I have this really bad attitude.
I want things to be my way.
I want people to think I'm super great.
I want people to like me and gush about how great I am.
Otherwise I just don't feel complete.
I need people to like me.
I need people to think I am great.
My ego is so fragile that I can't even mess up and still allow myself to be a person.
I have to be perfect.
I have to be liked by everyone.
I can't just exist in the space I take up.
...
(This is the half hour of me staring at instagram then staring back at my blog, trying not to come to this next conclusion, because being honest with yourself is hard.)
...
I guess all that to say, I'm being stubborn and lazy.
It's easier to pretend I am great, and pretend like I don't have to grow, than to actually grow.
I need to put on some big girl pants and I need to stand up, admit when I am wrong, admit when I am failing and try again.
When faced with the challenges of the world I need to lean in to them and allow them to teach me, rather than having an ego, trying to be great, I need to learn.
I told you guys! This blog is just about about me reminding myself what it looks like to fail. (at least when it's honest.)
My whole life is a single occasion.
I can either rise to it, learn from it and let it teach me.
Or I can run from it, be scared of it, and let it make me feel inadequate.
Either way it's going to teach me a lesson, just depends what I want to learn.
Kayla,
You are bold.
You are kind.
You are encouraging.
You're ability to learn is important.
You are whole, with or without failure.
You reflect the goodness of who God is.
Be at peace with the space you take up.
Let the mountains you have to climb, teach you what it means to live fully.
Let the struggles of today, give you a new sense for adventure, goodness, humility, and complete love.
I have to go to class, where I forgot to do a homework assignment, that I should have been doing instead of this.
I have to go take a quiz, that I'm like 70% sure I am not going to pass, but there is a chance, cause I pay attention and stuff.
(I'm just trying to be honest about where I am.)
I'm going to kick my ass in gear.
I am a good student.
In every way.
Encourage each other friends.
Be honest.
Love fiercely.
