Occasionally I hate Christmas

I realized tonight why I am such a Grinch during Christmas.

At first I thought it was because something was wrong with me and I was just a negative nelly….but I took a closer look at why I hated “the Holiday season”

…and this is what I came up with.

Christmas SUCKS!

Simply because we make it suck.

We have these insane expectations of what it’s supposed to be like, and we tell everyone insane things like…

“Keep the Christ in Christmas!”

“Know the reason for the season!”

“Don’t write X-mas! You’re taking Christ out of the word!!”

“Make sure you go to church on Christmas day!”

“Are you ready for Christmas??”

“Got all your shopping done??”

UGH! Don’t even make tear each of those statements and silly questions apart one by one because it’s a waste of time.

I just want to know….

Why do we not treat everyday like Christmas?

These questions are for my Christian Brothers and Sisters…

…Why aren’t you buying gifts for your family and friends everyday?

Why aren’t you giving to charities year around?

Why are you not inviting friends to church every day?

Why is the spirit of Christmas only alive before Thanksgiving?

We claim the spirit of God, the reason for the season, and his life during the holiday season, but what about the rest of the year??

Does Happy Holidays really hurt your feelings that bad that you feel the need to answer with Merry Christmas? 

Must we rage against the crowds to get the cheapest “gifts” we can find, on the day that is supposed to bring life?

The point I am trying to make is I am a Grinch during Christmas because Christmas isn’t a season.

It’s not special time of year.

It’s not a time for peace on earth, or joy to all men.

It’s a time that we have decided is more convenient to keep during a few months, because if were to treat each other the whole year around like this it just won’t make sense….right?

Why do you buy presents?

Why do you decorate?

Why do you hang out with your family?

Why do we eat ungodly amounts of food?

There is no purpose.

The only purpose is Jesus.

But Jesus isn’t the reason for the season.

He is the only reason.

And we have somehow managed to condense his whole purpose down to the argument  “Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas.”

I need you all to know.

I LOVE Gifts.

I LOVE food.

I LOVE my family!

I LOVE decorating.

I LOVE Christmas!

But I love Jesus.

And I love that when Jesus was here, he loved everyone,

including the Pharisees 

including all the people we(the church) didn’t.

I love that God has called us to live life with a greater purpose.

God wants us to live like we are loved, and the people we are around are also loved, including the people we are scared of, including the people who we hate.

But not just during Christmas, (which might I add, was never a holiday observed by Jesus)

EVERYDAY.

We obsess over whether or not we are sinning, and it’s good to live a pure, holy life, but we forget that Jesus LIVED.

He was alive.

He also wants us to live.

Leave the crap behind us and live.

Because even after Jesus died…

He lived AGAIN!

Christmas is everyday, because everyday we have the choice to live.

So Happy Holidays my friends. May you live your life to the fullest.

May you see every moment as an opportunity to make life great.

May your life be Christmas all year around,

and may the joy of snow, and opening presents never wear off with age.

May friends and family always be near, and able to lend a listening ear.

May you never be hungry and may your food always be healthy.

May you see your self the way Jesus does, alive, complete, beautiful, and joyfully full of starry eyed life.

Be wonderfully blessed my friends.

Occasionally I write poems.

I pray when you are homeless someone takes you in.

I pray when you have fallen someone picks you up.

I pray when you are hungry someone keeps you fed.

I pray when you are tired, you find a safe space to rest your head.

I pray when you are lonely you have found a friend.

And I pray when you are broken some one sees you. Really sees you. Sees who you are, who you have been, and who you could be.

I pray with out ceaseing that the light inside you, when it begins to fade, that you have someone there to remind you why you even have a flame.

My friends I hear your storys and hear you pain, and I just wish I could be the rain and make it all melt away.

But all I can do is point you to the one who came.

The one that came knowing death would have his name.

But could claim life eternal for his fame.

I don't know what I believe about heaven.

I do know I believe in hell.

That hell is the opposite of brethern.

Hell is lonliness.

Torment.

Shame.

Disease.

Suffering.

Pain. Insurmountable amounts of pain.

This is why I pray.

Even when it feels like prayer is not enough of a change.

We need peace.

We need change.

We have convinced our selves that love is not enough.

That acts of kindness get too rough.

Cause Trouble won't go and peace won't stay.

So Let me point you to the one of whom we trust. 

Occasionally a Racist

In light of recent events....

...I've been holding my tongue.

In light of recent events I didn't want to piss anyone off.

In light of recent events...

...I am tired.

But when I close my eyes I see a desk fly by and a young girl cry.

A cop decide that what he knows is what best for all of those in sight.

 When I close my eyes, I see two broken people.

Two people who have been hurt, and two people who need to be healed.

See, we've created an image in our head that it's us against them...

When the reality is we are all them.

We are the hurt and the broken.

We are the sick and the lost.

Yet, we look down on those that are so much worse off.

We say things like "You're making this all up."

When the fact of the matter is our skin isn't black and we don't know what it's like to be told....

...you are only worth our skin color.

Because our skin color is white.

It's the perfect ivory get out of jail free card color.

But by all means...

...I am sure you know what it's like to hear that after years of slavery...really you're just a slave to the system.

And I am sure, you, in your perfect house, and your problems, know what it's like to not get a job because your name is "Black name."

You're angry because you don't have a perfect house, and you also feel like a slave to the system.

......

That video keeps being played over and over in my head and in my newsfeed.

And I keep reading comments about how she probably deserved it.

And I just can't do anything except cry.

We've gone through life not looking at things from another persons perspective and we pretend life is all about ourselves and our pride.

And we can't look at another human and say "I know what it's like to feel pain."

"I know what it's like to be angry."

"I know what to feel not heard."

" I know what it's like to feel rejected."

^^^^We don't experience these things the same way minorities do. But in our own deep moments can you try to imagine feeling that for GENERATIONS of an entire race???

People keep asking, what happened before the video was started that caused that scene....

DOES IT MATTER???

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS.

The deepest desire of my heart, is that if I screw up, my family, community, and friends, would treat me like a human.

She wasn't treated like she's human. She was treated like she was the scum of the earth.

It's so heart wrenching to me that in this day in age, and in the pain that we each experience that we can not imagine or listen to someone's story.

It is unbelievable to me that we still see this video and we go...."She probably deserved that."

It's unbelievable to me that in this day in age we still argue about whether or not this is warrented.

YET WE TELL OUR CHILDREN IT'S NOT OKAY TO HIT.

I am sobbing over my key board surrounded by people and people keep asking me am I okay.

No. I am not okay.

NO. I am tired.

NO. WE ARE DEBATING AND CALLING EACH OTHER NAMES BECAUSE IT IS MORE IMPORTANT FOR US TO BE RIGHT THAN IT IS TO SEE EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE.

Your don't get to have an opinion if your opinion comes with name calling, insults, lack of empathy or an attempt to understand each other.

What that officer did was WRONG. REGARDLESS of whether or not that young girl "asked for it."

It's time more white people spoke up and said so.

It's time more people came to each others aid.

It's time, we stopped seeing the world in literal black and white.

You are more than your skin color.

More than your mistakes.

More than your opinions.

More than your family.

More than your politics.

You are a person.

You are valuable.

I am begging you to stop, listen, empathize, and stand up for the voiceless.

Our world does not have to be like this. 

Be the voice of the revolution and the resolution.

Occasionaly fat....again.

I am fat.

Because of this fact I have spent many moments of my life in fear.

Fear of what people think of me.

Fear of trying physical activities.

Fear of the mirror.

Fear of people's comments, stares, and unsolicited opinions.

Fear that I am never going to be loved simply because everyone my whole life has told me that the worse thing about me is that I am fat.

I have recently started watching the TLC special My Big Fat Fabulous Life about a girl who very recently was overwhelmed by an ovarian disease that caused her to gain an enormous amount of weight.

I understand everyone's opinions on the subject.

I understand that some of you feel that I have no self control and need to eat less.

Some of you may feel that I "just need to exercise more."

Some of you may feel that I just make excuses.

I have heard every idea in the book.   

I have heard it from every person in my life.

Friends, family, strangers, co-workers, you know, all the people that deserve to have an opinion.

Some opinions are spoken with love in mind. 

Some are not.

And you know what?

Some of the opinions are probably true.

But our good intentions don't always come across the same way we intended. 

And sometimes people aren't ready to hear your "honesty."

And you don't get to tell people how to feel.

But I have to tell you the worst thing about being fat is feeling un-loved because of how you look.

I have given up on myself several times simply because people have been "honest" with me.

Sometimes you don't have to be honest.

And I am not sitting here with the intent for you to feel sorry for me.

I am sitting here hoping that you see my desire to be treated like a real person with real feelings.

I have never told people this but if someone doesn't want to hang out with me or be my friend, my first reaction is "...it's because I'm fat."

I realize that that is an insecurity and this is partially my fault but why is this an insecurity?

Because for years I have been told "Kayla I am really concerned about your health...."

Which translates to "I have noticed you're gaining weight."

And in the mind of an already anxious brain that  get's turned into "Something is wrong with me."

Why is weight such a sensitive subject???

Because we have made it the worse possible thing you can be in the whole world!!!

We have thrown all of our worth into how we look and how much we weigh.

In the TV show How I Met Your Mother, Barney sleeps with hundreds of women, but "No fatties."

Every single person I know say's "I am such a fatty" after they eat a huge meal. And it's said with such disgust.

And for some reason that's okay.

Let me give you a hint. It's not okay.

I am tired.

I am tired of being told what clothes I can and can not wear.

Why am I terrified that someone would see the fat on my body without clothing??

It's not like you're unsure of what's underneath my clothes. WE ALL KNOW THAT I AM FAT!!

But we say things like "Nobody want's to see that" ABOUT OURSELVES!!!

There was once a lady I met that had lost over 100 pounds and because she lost so much her skin was very loose. There were these guys that we're talking about how now she just looked gross. But before she lost weight she was gross because she was fat.

THERE IS NO WINNING!!!!

I am doomed.

Now I know there is someone sitting out there that really wants to tell me if I want to loose weight I can. And I just have to put my mind to it. But I am going to be honest, I don't want to go through that kind of hell.

I don't have to let any of this hold me back from trying things.

I don't have to put my worth in what I look like.

I want to put my worth in something far less trivial that fat.

I just want to feel loved and liberated to be me and to eat healthy and exercise.

I want to feel free of this societal induced self hatred. 

And most of all I just want to believe that some amazing man is going to fall madly in love with me because of how awesome I am. 

I hope that you take all these confused maybe not accurate feelings and are kind and encouraging to other fat people who also just want to feel loved.

Maybe you can teach your future kids that being fat isn't the worse thing in the world and that eating healthy and getting exercise are great things but they don't have to be the end all option. 

Maybe you can remind them that they deserve love.

Maybe you can make sure they aren't sobbing in the mirror, thinking "No one will ever love me. How could they? Look at me."

Maybe you can make sure that they are don't ever feel un-loved or feel inadequate for everything.

All I am saying is it's exhausting being told how to act, and what to eat, and what to wear, I just want to be myself. So here I am apologizing to myself for the years of self abuse, and letting other people bully me.

You are loved Kayla. You are fat. You are loved. You are beautiful. 
 

Occasionally the world's very worst human.

You guys, I bought a TV.

And it shouldn't matter.

But...

...it does.

Simply because I feel like an adult.

I can't explain it.

But I bought it.

With money I earned.

I picked one out that was on clearance.

I bought a DVD player.

And all the cords to go with it.

(Although, I don't really know how it works.)

And despite living in a dorm at the age of 25 (almost 26)...

I feel like an adult.

Because I guess just lately I feel at peace about life.

I think the biggest thing I learned this summer was to roll with it.

Life gets stressful and stuff happens that you can control and stuff you can't control.

That's okay.

We're human.

We mess up.

We suck.

We are selfish.

We hurt each other.

We kill each other.

We ruin our environment.

But!

We are human.

We love each other.

We do awesome things.

We build amazing things.

We save lives.

We get stuff done.

It's the human condition.

We some how manager to save the world and screw it up all at the same time.

I get so tired of trying to be good.

And everyone keeps telling me to just "be."

How does one just be human and not feel guilty all the time?

I guess I just am tired of feeling frantic. 

I guess I am just thankful that life doesn't feel like I am falling and attempting to grab on to anything that will stick.

I am currently watching TV, and writing this blog and guilting myself into going to bed.

I just live surrounded by guilt because of what I should be doing and not living my life and enjoying it.

I am missing out on everything.

Let's just live.

Let's just be human.

Let's just mess up.

Let's just enjoy life.

Let's just love each other.

Let's just be fighters.

Let's just remember we are loved.

Let's just remember we are human and tomorrow is a new day. 

"Occasionally Jesus looks like a dumptruck." -Sarah Symes

It's Monday night.

It's my last evening activity, and for those of you who don't know what that means....

...it means every emotion that exists in me was pouring out.

I stand at the top of the steps in Jackson square, over looking the garden and cathedral.

I played Edith Piaf's La vie en Rose on my phone.

And gazed at the sunset behind the incredible scene that unfolded before me.

As this is a beautiful depiction of my glorious summer, it does NOT depict the absolute insanity I felt every Monday Night preparing Jambalaya with 12 youth, for 70 people.

This glamorous moment I was breathing in, could not show you, the struggle it was to get out of bed on Tuesday morning at 545, to begin preparing biscuits and gravy for 70 people.

It does not show you the struggle I had writing and practicing my 7-9 minute talks every night.

It does not show you the conflict that my team and I had every week.

It does not show the messy room that you're too tired to clean.

My summer mission doesn't show the day I cried cause I missed home.

My summer mission doesn't show the fear that I have to be going back home, leaving these new relationships, and starting school again.

All the amazing stories that I have to share will make people's eye's glaze over, because the stories don't make sense because they weren't there to experience them with me.

I am going to miss this summer, and not miss it at all, at the very same time.

When you throw 4 people together, all who communicate differently, all who have different strengths, all who see worth in different things, you learn that arguments are good, and confrontation is a must.

When you have to feed 70 people, you learn the key is in the details.

When you have to give a talk that is supposed help grow people's relationship with Jesus. You learn you can't fake it.

When you are out doing service projects and you're uncomfortable and it's so awkward, you learn, that God shows up.

And when you're on week 9, and you're so tired, and you have literally no idea how you are going to keep going you learn that God is going to show up.

When 4 people who don't know each other come together, and say no to themselves, yes to each other  and yes to serving others, you get 3 of the best friends that will ever exist in your life.

We have glamorized the idea of mission, we have glamorized the idea of servant-hood.

We have glamorized what mission looks like.

It's not about us.

It's not going to change in a second.

It's not going to change everyone's lives.

It might not change your life.

But it's not really about you.

It's not really about what you get out of it.

It's about making this world we live in better.

It's about realizing that there are people in this world that need help.

And sometimes that help looks like pulling 200 rotting, mice and cockroach ridden boxes out of storage unit that hasn't been cleaned out in years, for an elderly lady that needs help moving.  

Sometimes it's sweeping.

We have convinced ourselves that the mission is supposed to change the world in huge radical ways.

But sometimes, Jesus just looks like a dump truck being donated after you have spent an entire afternoon figuring out what to do with 50 boxes that need to be throw out and calling half of New Orleans and the Government so that same sweet elderly lady can get rid of half her stuff.

Sometimes Jesus looks like little notes from students, that say that your story helped them feel like they can do something.

Sometimes Jesus looks like having an argument with your co-worker and then hugging it out 20 minutes later.

Jesus, doesn't always look like someone who changed the world in one giant amazing summer in New Orleans, he mostly looks like a bunch of little moments that don't look like much at all.

Occasionally I snore....Really loud.

So I am coming out of my closet.

I snore.

Hard.

I have been compared to a freight train and once, I was camping, and someone mistook me for a wild animal.

I have been compared to a chain saw.

A jet plane.

An old man.

A leaf blower. 

And my favorite, a dragon.

Many people have slept in the same room and they can all tell you, it is crazy.

I need you all to know that this is mortifying telling you all this.

But this summer is about being open and honest, and not sweating the small stuff.

So this past week I was in training for my summer adventure.

I was met at the airport in Birmingham Alabama by someone I didn't know.

Driven to a church I had never been to.

And then slept in the same room with 12 girls I had never met.

And they all heard me snore.

And some how everything is still okay.

But from what it sounds like, this is just the beginning.  

Youthworks! Check it out at Youthworks.com It's a little glimpse at what I will be experiencing this week.

 So I drove down to New Orleans, (pronounced literally any way EXCEPT New Orleeeens.) with my team on Saturday.

Emily is 21 and from Minnesota. And someone once told her she had no personality. That person was dumb.

Sarah, is 21 from Boston. And is just the biggest ray of sunshine. When she plays basketball, she runs around just like you might suspect a character on Downton Abby might run. =)

Then there is Chris. Chris is 25. I am 2 months and 7 day's older than him. And he makes my side split. I really don't know if I am going to live through the whole summer. His greatest worries for the summer is us girls getting snatched up and also getting roofied at church. 

Many people ask what our job entails and mostly we have just said Mission trips, but this training week has taught us that it is so much more than that.

We will be giving brief talks about why we serve where we serve.

We will be wrangling highschoolers all summer being in relationship with them, and teaching them how to make biscuits and gravy.

We will be sleeping in this tiny conference room in a church on an air mattress with 2 other girls all summer.

We will be working with and supporting the 3 other people on my team.

And mostly importantly we will be creating and maintaining significant relationships with the community members around us.  

This summer is going to be an adventure.

We're going to have to keep everything honest and open.

We're going to have to be a unit.

We're going to have to be gracious.

We are going to have to be patient.

And Prayerful.

We are going to have to be able to live with the metaphorical snoring of each other, and find our compromising super powers with each other. 

This summer, has high expectations for us, and tall orders.

Ones we might not be able to fill on our own.

So we're going to need some prayer.

I am going to need some encouragement.

And Someone is going to need to remind me who I am.

And who Jesus is in me.

We're talking about "The Kingdom" this summer to our youth.

And what Jesus established when he was here on earth.

In Mark 12 we learn that Jesus was asked what the most important rules were.

He say's "Love me with every part of you. And love everyone else just like you love yourself."

I keep thinking that, no matter what you believe, that is our most important human characteristis.

Love Others.

We aren't made to live alone.

We aren't made to struggle through the punches life throws at us by ourselves.

I was not made to go through this summer on my own.

That is why we are a team.

That is why we are a unit.

That is why honesty and openness is so important.

We have to keep our relationships strong so that we can have the others to lean on when we start forgetting that we are going to make it.

I once read a saying that said...

"A Friend is someone who knows your song, and sings it when you have forgotten it."

 We need each other.

When we live in isolation we might have as well given ourselves a death sentence.

Darkness brews more darkness, but the good news is darkness cannot be where Light exists.

There are so many insecurities going into this summer.

And I am just walking through each one owning them and reminding myself self to keep moving forward.

And I am so grateful I have this team of people with me to help remind me and sing my song with me.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to move forward into community with the people who live in the area and teach people through my own mistakes and hurts. 

My life might be the greatest adventure ever lived.

I would love to hear from you friends! So don't be strangers! Message me and Let me know how you are doing and I can't promise immediate response but I will keep up!

Love to you all! 

Acca-Occasionally.

Okay. So you all know that I get inspiration from strange places.

But Tonight, during Pitch Perfect 2 I almost cried.

Here's why.

This whole year I have made it my focus to be myself through my music.

Now the whole movie is about that.

The Bella's being themselves.

And I realize this is totally obvious and totally corny, but.....(there is always a but..)

The producer in the movie asked Becca....

"What makes you special??"

She couldn't answer that right away.

But of course because it's a movie and movies pretty much always have a happy ending, she eventually does figure out what makes her special.

I read an incredible article the specifically spoke to 20 somethings.

It's said, figure out what makes you special, what you stand for, what makes you shine, and go with that. Know what it is.

It's so interesting to be in a world, not understand what makes you special.

What makes you, you?

And to be totally honest. I can't put my finger on it. 

I don't see the world in black and white.

There is a ton of grey area.

I love to sing.

I am different when I sing, because no one else sings like me.

Know one else can sing the song the way I sing it.

No one has my sound.

No one has my moves.

No one has my spice.

I am different then other people, simply because I can see the bigger picture.

I see a different picture.

So why are you different?

How do you view the world?

Do you see in black and white?

I doubt it, this world is rich with vibrant color strewn in every direction. 

When you see people do you see them for the mistakes they have probably made, or do you see them for the good that lies with in them?

Do you see the world flat or round?

How do you respond to criticism?

Does it hurt your insides, or motivate you forward?

Be you.

As My friend Dr. Suess once said....

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer than you."

Be that person.

We need more people in the world to be themselves and make big mistakes!

We need more people to be honest with themselves and others!

We need more people to be themselves, so that the people growing up behind us have examples of what it looks like to be themselves.

So we don't have this whinny bunch of youth not understanding what it looks like to be some one not behind a computer screen. (I catch the irony, thank you.)

We need leaders

and crazy thinkers,

and inventors,

and musicians,

and artists,

and politicians,

and doctors,

and farmers,

and teachers,

and astrophysicists,

and engineers,

people, all of whom look at this world, from a million different angles.

But we need to stop seeing it as a place, that one day we get to leave, that one day, "when Jesus comes back!" everything will be better....

No!

We need to look out and see the people that live here and now, and we need to see it for it's potential!

See it for the goodness.

See it for the greatness.

See it for the individuals on this earth that are having a hard time.

And we need to look at them in the face and go....

"I'm trying to be me.   I think you should be you.  We can do this you know?"

Benedict Cumberbatch once said "We need to start living life like this is where heaven exists!"

I mean he's right!?

Jesus exists here!

We exist here!

Isn't the definition of hell the absence of God?

I need to stop living like every obstacle that comes against me will be my last!

I just want to be myself.

That's it. Nothing else.

I just want to be who I was created to be.

I just wanna be me.

Occasional Death.

The trouble with having friends is that you tend to feel all the things they do.

You hurt when they hurt.

Cry when they cry.

Love when they love.

And sometimes you don't know how to handle your own feelings and theirs at the same time.

People keep asking me if I am okay....

...How do I answer that?

I knew her.

She let me borrow a pencil once.

I always saw her at church.

Her Boyfriend and I yell at each other lovingly, telling each other to "Use your inside voice!"

I know who she hangs out with and where she works.

I know where she is from and what kind of person she was. 

And I'm very sad to see her leave.

But the reality is I'm not sad because I lost a friend.

I'm sad because my friends lost their friend.

My heart is broken because my friends are blaming themselves. And it's killing me on the inside.

My heart is broken because Her friends loved her, and now, they don't know how to continue moving forward and they all feel like they could have done something to stop her.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm good. My friends are not."

There have been so many conversations about death and it's harsh reality in the last 24 hours.

We are each confronted with it, in our own lives and then a multitude of times in other peoples lives.

We can not escape it.

So how do you tell someone, who's girlfriend is now gone, that it's part of life?

How do you help each other move forward and continue on with life?

We all have our own choices to make.

We all have our own demons and pain and hurts.

And we all face things that seem impossible.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of praying for people.

I am tired of crying for people.

I am tired of having to go through finals week with this heavy on my friends hearts and my own.

I am tired of death.

My dearest Friends.  Do not live life alone. Do not forget people love you. Please remember even when your friends are mad at you, they still love you.  

Do not forget that even in the most dark of nights, we always have the morning to look forward to and remind us that light exists, even when we can't see it. 

I am praying for peace for her family and her friends. Never ending peace. And constant reminders that there is peace even in the midst of this.

If you ever need someone to talk to, please do not hesitate to ask me to listen.

Occasionally I give up.

It's the week before finals and no one was sleeping....at all.

There is so much to do.

There is so many things that I am just not going to get done.

There are so many things I feel like crying about.

But I am currently listening to Bobby McFerrin. (You know! The Don't Worry be Happy guy? Yea, he conducts Symphonies and composes all these amazing pieces of music now. I know right!?)

In one video he has the audience singing the 5 note melody over and over and over and over again.

And he is doing this amazing vocal percussion over the top of it.

And it's amazing. 

He spent 6 years developing his musical ability.

The first 2 years, were used in an attempt to not listen to any other musician besides himself, so he wouldn't sound like anyone else.

He then spent the next 4 years, becoming an all around bad ass.

I watched one of his conducting videos, and as a solo violinist goes up for a solo Bobby just sits backs, folds his hands, and listens.

He kind of smiles, but it's not the kind of smile you think of

...it's a smile of pure contentment.

It's a small corner of you mouth kind of smile.

The kind that say's I'm in love.

The kind of smile you take after you've been out in the sun all day and you take the biggest gulp of ice water you are capable of and you don't even realize you're smiling.

I get so caught up in this trap that is all the things I have to do, but I forget to breathe.

I forget to enjoy.

I forget to relish.

I forget to soak in it.

I forget I live here.

I forget to live in the moment.

I forget where I've been and where I am now.

I forget that I'm not going to remember this week specifically in 5 years, and this is just another week I have to get through.

It isn't the end of the world.

It isn't the end of my school career.

It isn't the week that will define my entire life for the rest of my life.

I'm probably not going to do well on somethings tomorrow, or the next day.

And that's okay.

I don't have to beat myself up about it.

I can just breathe, and think, "how lucky am I!?"

I get to be here right now, with all these phenomenal people, learning all these really great things.

I get so flustered and emotional, and I react first and think later.

When the reality is I am just freaking myself out.

Someone one once told me I complain too much.

They are so right.

I start complaining and getting all worked up for literally no reason.

It's hard to remember I don't have to freak out.

It's hard to remember that I love what I do.

I'm sure Bobby McFerrin got pissed all the time too.

I'm sure he got frustrated with himself.

I'm sure every single great artist I've ever heard of has been far more angry and flustered and upset than I have been.

The only difference between them and I, is that I give up way too fast.

It's so much easier to do that.

I don't know how to fix this dumb problem.

I guess I'm trying to apologize to myself for not giving me a chance.

I tell everyone else how to fix their lives.

But I freak out at my own life.

I know all the answers, but I can't make them fix my own life.

So, here's to finals week, here's to the huge possibility and reality that I am going to fail a couple things.

Here's to not giving up.

Here's to being the person, that fails and tries again.

Here's to making big mistakes, and moving on. 

Here's the the 1 yes after a million no's.

Here's to me, forgiving myself.

Occasional Big Girl Panties.

I've been experiencing "End of the Semester Blues" a little differently this year.

I've been looking for every excuse to not do well.

"My family really needs my help right now."  (Yea, they're fine.)

"I haven't been feeling well lately"  (It's cause you've been eating crap and not excising.)

"I have so much preparation to do for this summer." (Yes, you do, but you have to finish school in order to get there anyways.)

I have really great excuses for everything.

You guys! Why do I not want to do well?

Why do I keep sabotaging myself, so I don't do well?

I mean if I do well...then I always have to do well...

I mess up a lot.

It's so haaaaard.

I am so whiny.

Someone called me on that this week.

I whine alot.

Instead of just putting on my big girl pants and getting stuff done.

I whine.

Why can't life be like this?

Why does it have to happen like that?

I DON'T KNOW KAYLA JUST DO IT.

Excuses are a really bad habit.

I don't have to be mean to myself I just have to be tough and get it done.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am worth this. I have to remind myself that life keeps moving and it's going to move on whether or not I am keeping up.

I can live life the way God wanted me to, or I can just skate by.

Either way, God loves me and is going to do something with my life, maybe.

But when I die, I want to die with people saying "she knew how to live."

See I was "chosen before the creation of the world to be holy and without fault." (Ephs 1:4)

And life takes it's toll and we make decisions that happen against that promise.

And we have to remind ourselves and others of our true identity.

I love Beyonce's song Flawless.

"I woke up like this, flawless."

I've noticed some girls wearing shirts that say "There is no way in hell you woke up like that."

Now I understand their sentiment, I mean, when I actually wake up, I looke like a dry slobbered mess.

But what those girls wearing those shirts don't understand is Beyonce's sentiment.

You were born to do amazing things.

Even when you don't believe in you.

You were born to wake up, kick some tail, take some names, and live an extraordinary life.

Also, you were born flawless.

You were made exactly the way you were supposed to be.

Keep reminding your self that!

Keep reminding others that they "woke up like that!"

Don't let people forget!

Don't be the reason people forget!

Also, let's stop making excuses. And making our selves forget.

No more whining.

No more excuses.

No more self sabotage. 

Put your big girl panties on!

Or you know you big boy boxers!

(I don't discriminate)

Rising to the Occasion.

I have a bad habit of buckling under pressure.

And I can not tell a lie...

I don't really know how to do otherwise.

I have this amazing opportunity to sing in this awesome contest on Saturday.

And I am going to be 100% honest with you, I am sabotaging myself.

I realized it subconsciously, 2 weeks ago.

And yesterday, my brain let me admit it to myself.

I don't know why.

But I don't really need to know why at this juncture.

I need to know how to fix it.

I need to know what I can do right now with my mind set, that will make me go into this performance with zero expectation of myself except that I love to sing.

I mean really, I love singing.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a walking Jukebox.

But when it comes down to it, singing is too vulnerable for me.

I can't tell you why.

Lack of confidence in who I am as a singer?

Lack of confidence in life?

Probably all the above.

I love to sing.

I have a great voice.

I have fun singing.

I love music.

I love the poetic beauty that makes a dead piece of tree with some ink on it, turn into a full blown wave of energy that gracefully, but with ferocity, crash onto your ear drum, making you feel life the way it was meant to be lived.

Fully.

And there are a million reasons as to why I could give up right now.

And a billion other reasons telling why I can't do this.

But there is this one soft whisper that I hear in head over everything, even when I am not listening....

It say's.  "Be afraid."

Let the fear come. You can still move forward while you are afraid.

Fear does not own you.

Fear does not have any power over you.

These expectations that you have for yourself, they are unrealistic.

You don't have to be perfect.

You don't have to be incredible.

You just have to be you.

That's it.

You.

Rising to the occasion doesn't look like coming out on top all the time.

Rising to the occasion looks like being who are, despite what other people tell you.

Rising to the occasion looks like being afraid, and doing it anyways, moving forward.

Rising to the occasion means loving the people and things you do that create life in the world.

Rising to the occasion isn't being the best.

Rising to the occasion isn't perfection.

Rising to the occasion isn't winning awards and having all your ducks in a row.

Rising to the occasion is being who you were created to be...

Loved.

Occasionally I Go On Big Adventures.

Hello Everyone!

This is just a little bit about my upcoming adventure!

I am so excited for this summer.

I was just offered a position at a mission orginization called Youthworks!

(If you want to check it out!) https://www.youthworks.com/

And I am so excited!

I am so excited for the copious amounts of new people I will meet!  

The places I will see.

The adventures I will go on.

And I am most excited to seek Jesus in places I wouldn't expect and with people whom I might underestimate.

But with all that excitement comes my insecurities.

I am going to be honest guy's....

This job is going to stretch me.

I am excited to be apart of a group that is focused on being intentional.

But I am so worried, the human part of me is going to get in the way!

And I totally know it is.

I know my emotions are going to get worked up.

I know I'm going to get frustrated.

I am going to worry about everything.

(I am already worried about everything.)

I know that something is not going to go the way I wanted it, or dreamed it would be, and it's going to make me doubt myself, and be upset with myself and other people.

I am going to fail at so much this summer.

So this post tonight is really a call for my friends.

I need prayer.

I need prayer for my heart.

Prayer for the preparation of my heart for this summer. 

Prayer that the people I meet this summer see Jesus through me, despite my grande human capabilities of failure.

Prayer, that when I fail, Jesus is still able to use that failure to make something beautiful.

Prayer that I am reminded daily that worry is pointless, and Jesus has everything under control.

Prayer that my heart would be in the right place.

Prayer that my plane ticket, to get to where ever I need to go, get's paid for.

Prayer for my attitude towards the people that I am going to be teamed up with; that I see them the way Jesus see's them, full of life, beauty, the holy spirit, and a victorious spirit.

Prayer for my confidence, that I am both humble and firm in what I hear the Spirit speaking to me.  

Mostly I pray that as this summer goes on, my relationship with Jesus grows, so that I am pulled out of my comfort zone to point people to Jesus, and that this summer is used to shape my relationship with Him.  

I just want to smell like Jesus.

If you are willing to commit to praying for me this summer, I sure would love to know about it!  Facebook me or E-mail me!

kaylarose123456@yahoo.com

I am going to do my best to keep my blog updated over the summer, but it sounds like I am going to be one busy lady, so no promises! But if you feel like sending encouragement's, or are someone who likes to write out their prayer's, please send them my way!

In the same way, I hope I am able to be an encouragement to you all.

I'd love to hear from you!

(In true KaylaRose Fashion...) HUGS!!!!!!

~Kayla Rose

Occasionally my own road block.

This spring break was an interesting one.

Saw my mom and sister in North Carolina! So Fun!

Road tripped to Nashville!

So awesome!

I had an interesting experience in Nashville.

I visited Belmont University, where I had a preview Voice lesson.

It was interesting.

A lot of things were said, but to sum up, he basically told me that it was one thing to admire musicians it was a whole other thing to have talent.

I was livid.

I was so angry.

I kept thinking in my head, am I really that bad?

I must be kidding myself.

Why would he say something like that he does know me!

I mean I was angry.

I kept thinking "why?"

"Why, am I so angry at him?? He doesn't know me! He barely heard me sing!"

I don't know, something just clicked.

I'm angry because he made me realize he was kind of right.

Let me be clear....I do have the talent.

I have confidence in the sound of my voice.

I have a lot to work on as far as consistency, practice habits, vocal placement, and theory.

I don't have the drive to work on that everyday for the rest of my life.

This fact broke my heart.

I love singing.

I guess not enough.

I'm so glad that guy was an A-hole and said something honest.

Not that my teachers aren't honest, their job job is to encourage, not discourage.

I get really wrapped up in the things I can't do, and I don't let people be honest with me.

I build up this nice big wall and don't let people tell me how they feel.

I don't let people feel accepted just the way they are, I have these giant expectations of myself that are rediculous and I expect everyone to follow suit.

Or when I know someone is capable of more I get so angry at them, because they aren't acting like they are capable of more.

I have this deep rooted desire for things to be awesome.

I don't even know what awesome looks like to be completely honest.

I am struggling even to put my feelings into words at this point.

I have this giant abstract idea of what I want to be but have no idea how to get there.

I'm sitting in my room, and honestly, the thought of the future is terrifying.

I've been unbelievably depressed for 3 days now.

And I can't tell you exactly why.

I've had such a great week! I got a job that I am beyond excited for!

I have a smidge more direction now then I did before this week, by process of elimination.

I think as a society we over look the value of honesty.

We want everyone to tell us how awesome we are.

We don't want people to tell us how much we have to improve.

And when I say we I mean ME.

I love people who are bold enough to be honest with me.

When I am honest with someone, it means I care, cause if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't tell you how I feel. It's why I like people who tell me the truth. 

People who care, tell the truth.


I think I am tired because I am tired of trying.

Trying to be someone that is awesome.

And I don't even know what that looks like.

Is that it?

I have some preconceived idea and huge expectation of what life is supposed to look like...?

I just want to learn and grow and empower people, and sing and dance and make people laugh.

I want to show people that life doesn't have to be boring....

Yet...Laziness gets in my way.

Anger gets in my way.

My expectations get in my way.

I get in my way.

Occasionally (Mostly) Full of Bologna

Live in the present.

Kayla your mind is so full of thoughts.

What is going to happen?

What are you going to do with your future?

You're never going to make it.

Why do you think you deserve to make it?

Why can't you believe in yourself?

Why do you have to make everything so complicated???

This question....why??

I realized it is a waste of time.

Why do you do the things you do?

Well there are a million an a half answers.

But I feel like the right answer is "cause you do!"

You think the way you think, if you want it to change, you have to just change it.

Kayla! You have the power to change this thought process.

Your words are mute unless followed by actions.

Decide who you want to be and just be that person.

I WANT TO BE ME! But I have no idea who that is!

I have no idea what Kayla looks like, I know she's trying to look awesome, and be awesome, and sound awesome and be this strong powerful woman who is confidant and who empowers other people.

But the honest to God truth is....I'm trying too hard.

I'm pushy.

I talk to much.

I have too large an opinion.

I am not mold-able. 

I have dug my heals into the ground and challenged anyone to move me.

And I'm begging anyone to pull me out of whatever rut I have sunk my feet in.

I've convinced myself that it's going to take a tough person to break my shell, and there is no one who is going to be tough enough.

I have convinced myself that no one will understand me.

I have convinced myself I am alone in this world with my thoughts, and my friends are simply bystanders who put up with me.

I've convinced myself that people aren't worth opening up to.

And part of that is a lack of trust, due to the large amounts of people who have emotionally left my life.

The first sign I see someone putting up a wall, I take it completely personally and shut them out before they can shut me out.  A defense mechanism that makes it all hurt less I guess.

I don't show people the real me, because I am not really sure what that person looks like anymore.

I was asked this week what I am most passionate about.

I know what I am passionate about, but it's hard to put into words.

I am passionate about empowering people. I am passionate about entertaining people.

I am passionate about singing. I am passionate about theater.

Theater.

Where you can make decisions and they have purpose and meaning.

And you can mess up and try it again.

Theater, where you get to create art, with all forms of the definition.

I guess what I am saying is I owe you all an apology.

I am full of crap.

And I have decided that none of you are worth getting to know the real me.

Which is not fair.

To any one.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life in this moment in time.  

I am so grateful for the people in my past.

I am so grateful for the people that have ever loved me and invested time in me, even when they called my bluff, knew I was only being polite and continued to invest and love me anyway.

I think this is the most honest I have been with anyone in a long time. And if this computer was a person, I don't think I would have the guts to say what I have just said, so thank you for allowing me to express myself through such a round about way, and understanding.

Occasionally kicking ass.

I don't know if you know this about me...but I am a superb pep-talker. 

I know how to make you feel like you can handle anything. 

I address all your insecurities and then make them disappear. 

I have no idea how I do it. 

All I know is that if you need a good reminder of how awesome you are, I am your girl. 

But, I often wonder what I would say to myself if I needed a pep talk. 

I mean, who knows my insecurities better than I?

Probably everyone, I don't hide them well. 

And then I get pissed off when someone sees them!

So here I go. 

A letter. 

From me, to me. 


Dear Kayla,

Get up! Get up out of bed and just do something! 

Anything. 

Today is not going to kill you. 

Today is not going to make you small. 

Today you are going to kick some ass and take some names. 

It's okay. 

You don't have to do everything perfectly the first time. 

You don't even have to get everything right the 100th time. 

You will get it right when you get it right, and then you need to get it right 100 more times. 

It takes time to become great. 

Be patient with yourself. 

You're a beginner. 

You can work hard and efficiently. 

You can eat good food and work out and still have time to practice and do homework. 

Also! Have I mentioned you have great legs!? 

Yea! No! seriously! You do! They are solid, they are shapely and strong and they are NOT man legs.

Speaking of physical beauty! 

Have you seen your self in the mirror lately?

Cause, DAMN. 

Don't even get me started on how big your smile is? It goes perfectly with that red hair of yours! 

And your height! It might be my favorite things about you! You're so short and cute I could put you right in my pocket! 

Keep working out like a boss, cause I know you enjoy it! 

Kayla, I don't think you know this yet, but you're going to change the world. 

You're going to be madly in love with your job, and the people around you, and some handsome man with a beard. Maybe a mustache. 

But just so you know, 

People want and love to hang out with you, all the time. 

You're friends are lucky to have you, and your teachers love having you in class. They've told me so! 

But just so you know, it's okay to be by yourself too. 

Sometimes you just need to do your homework, and miss out on the crazy fun party everyone is going to. 

You're really smart, kiddo. 

And one day you won't have to worry about parties, and homework, because you'll be the party. 

But right now, kick it into gear and do that homework. 

Remember it's okay if you can't get a piece of homework done. It is NOT the end of the world. It does NOT make you a terrible student. 

What makes someone a terrible student is their lack of care toward school. 

You got this. 

Oh! And when you're in choir and voice lessons don't forget to have fun! 

You always get so serious, that's not who you are. 

Enjoy yourself. 

You love to sing! Act like it!

All the practicing that you keep putting off, knock it off! Practicing only makes you better. You can tell and you know it. Just get in the practice room! 

Slow your self down, you don't need to work on a ton of the piece, just small pieces. 

One at a time.  

Don't bite off more than you can chew.

If you only learn one measure correctly, you're doing it right! 

BE PATIENT. 

Speaking of patience, I know some people suck, but don't forget you suck sometimes too, so be kind, be patient, be loving, and listen when people talk. 

Listen, then react. Not the other way around. 

You're a good listener, you can do better. 

I love you. 

I believe in you.

And I want you to succeed. 

I know you're scared. 

I know you are going to mess up, but it's okay, you've been through way worse, and you made it out alive. 

And you aren't alone. 

You have the greatest friends ever. 

Seriously.  You do.

Be at peace, the moment you have now is all you got, make it the best moment you can.

Love, Me. <3

P.S. All the Universities you're visiting this week, would be lucky to have you, just smile, be yourself, and don't let them all intimidate you, they're just people with insecurities, past mistakes, and they have to give themselves pep-talks occasionally too. You're fine. You got this.

 

Occasionally inadequate.

I looked in the mirror today.

And what I saw was nothing that I liked.

I hated the way I looked.

I hated the way I hadn't showered since yesterday.

I hated the clothes I wear.

I hated the fat on my body.

I hated my height.

I hated my T-rex arms.

I hated the way my legs look like a KFC drum stick.

I hated the tiny white hairs that make up my eyebrows.

The teeth in my mouth.

My lack of a top lip.

I can go on...

But this loathing...

It won't go away.

There is so much self hatred in my heart.

I hate my lack of study skills.

My lack motivation.

My lack of work ethic.

My lack of financial capabilities.

My lack of confidence. 

Again, I could go on forever.

It doesn't help when people point out your downfalls.

It doesn't help when college is the one place where you feel like you are learning absolutely everything, but it shoves in your face how little you know and how small and inadequate you are in comparison to the thousands of people taking a stab at your major and the people who have already mastered it.

But comparison is the thief of  joy.

And Mirror Mirror on the wall will not tell you who's the fairest of them all.

All I can say is I am tired.

I am tired of not loving myself.

I am tired looking at myself and not absolutely loving ME.

 I am tired of singing and not feeling like I am great at it.

I am tired of feeling like there is always something I have to be working on.

I am tired of feeling like I will never have rest, and that I need to work harder.

I want to see what the people who believe in me see.

I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to look at myself in the mirror and love the parts of me that I hate.

This is a huge conflict because one side of my heart is devastated, while the other side of my heart can't figure out why people don't think I'm 100% awesome. Both sides equally doubt each other.

Both sides equally fight for time in my head.

But some how the desperation and confusion seems to feel heavier and more powerful.

There is this thought in the back of my mind, to give up on music.

...to give up on working hard.

I feel like a whinny teenager.

"Life is haaaard."

"School Suuuuuucks."

I'm not trying to feel sorry myself.

But I can't seem to get out of the cycle of self hatred.

The seasons in my life swing in wide ranges from complete confidence and way too much pride to utter self loathing.  

I think I am learning to live somewhere in the middle.

Where my emotions aren't running ramped and I don't live in a high and low.

I want to learn that my downfalls aren't my undoing.

I want to learn that the things I don't know make me a more educated person.

I want to learn that may faults do not define me.

This is a hard blog for me. Because I am not entirely certain how I feel about myself.

I know how Jesus feels about me. I'm going to be honest though, nights like tonight, that seems abstract and obscure.

I realize this post is basically a bunch of complaining about my life and how hard the opportunity to go to school is.

I realize that at some point my paradigm is going to switch and I am going to realize that I am going to read this in a few months and go "oh Kayla."

But I am so overwhelmed right now.

I am so tired.

I'm faking my way into liking my life.

And I want to love life right now, instead of waiting till it changes again.

I love music.

I love school.

I love learning.

And right now I don't know if I like those things. 

I find myself craving intentional relationships.

I'm missing something.

I missing so much.

I am so inadequate.

I want to go to the place where I don't believe this.

I want to go to the place where I look in the mirror and it does tell me who's the fairest one of all.

I want to go to the place where one persons opinions has no weight in my heart.

I want to go to the place where I look at my self and see me for all the possibilities, faults included.

I want the dead things in my heart turned back to life.

I'm missing something.

I am so inadequate.

Occasional Anxiety.

It's amazing to me how quickly anxiety can make you forget that you are standing on firm ground, that you are capable of breathing and that the world is not piling on top of you.

It's amazing how quickly anxiety piles on the lies of loneliness, shame, fear, and hurt.

It that moment right before an attack you suddenly are faced with a million thoughts all at once.

And they are not mere thoughts, they are every worse case scenario possible, all at once.

Some describe it as a drowning feeling.

Other's have said it's like a bunch a rocks being piled on to your chest and stomach and neck.

Anxiety is weird.

Because it never depicts reality.

It's like Murphy's law.

Everything that could go wrong will go wrong.

But it's in your head, and it doesn't really exist to anyone else.

So it's hard to describe to people who don't get those small desperate emotional heart attacks that attempt to express themselves physically.

Especially my anxiety.

I feel like I have an anxiety that no one else has.

Everyone else seems to have a fear of being in front of crowds. Talking, singing, preforming, etc.

And I'm not saying that those things are not scary. In their own way they are very nerve wracking.

But my anxiety comes when I am by myself.

Alone.

Thinking.

I think about my sibling and my parents.

I think about school.

I think about friends.

I think about how I treat my self.

I think about how I am going to be able to handle things all at once.

BECAUSE IT ALL HAS TO BE FIXED RIGHT NOW!

But that voice screaming at me, begging me to fix everything this second, forget's I can only do one thing at a time.

It forget's that I am bound by time.

It forget's some of these "problems" are not even my responsibility.

This voice only hears chaos.

This voice feeds on loneliness.

This voice speaks lies.

This voice breathes fire.

And none of these things are how I work.


******


In July I worked at Boy scout camp.

And since I was 15 I had been involved in venturing.

And we would go on these trips to a high ropes course.

Well my anxiety got the better of me every time.

I kept telling everyone I would never do that again.

I tried twice.

Failed both times.

And then one night this pass July, I got on the Ropes course.

And I finished.

This is a huge deal for me.

Because I would be on a rope bridge and realize that I was 40 feet in the air and loose it.

But not this time.

This time I was determined.

So, one step at a time.

One breath at a time. I finished that dumb course.

******

So Anxiety.

Sucks.

But, even when our anxiety is great we have to remember who controls our brain.

We have power over our thought process.

And some of us don't have a choice because we have chemical imbalances, and that's okay too!

We can still remind ourselves, that we only have to take it one step at a time and one breath at a time.

Occasionally We Move.

So I'm house sitting for my friend while she is in Africa. 

And she lives in the middle of nowhere. 

And I've been in the worst of places these last couple of days because I've been seeking fulfillment from everything except Jesus for the past 6 months, and it finally caught up with me. 

And when you live by yourself in the middle of no where you're forced to look at your self in the mirror and no one is around to hold you accountable. 

And it's awful. 

But I'm driving home tonight and I'm screaming at God, and I'm sobbing. 

"Is this my life? Is it just going to constantly be a fight!? WHY!? If you loved me! This in not how it would be!!!" 

And I stop screaming.

 And I'm silent.

 And he say's 

"what does it look like to move? How do we move Kayla?" 

And instantly the Hokey-pokey is in my brain. 

I hate the Hokey-pokey.

 I can't believe they play it at weddings still!

 But I thought, 

"that's what it all about." Sometimes fighting isn't just scraping.

 Although, in my life, it feels like it is.

Especially when I am the way I am and I shoot myself in the foot and have to constantly be reminded that my actions to not dictate how the creator feels about me.

 I hate the hokey-pokey.

I have since I was a kid.

I hate bing told how to dance.

But what is life if we don't have to do things we hate.

That saying, if it was easy everyone would could do it, really fits here.

Life isn't easy, and a lot of people haven't made it.

But it's worth doing the Hokey-Pokey, to live a life that is purposeful, meaningful, honest, and brings life to your own soul and the souls of those around you.

I am dying for life to be simple.

But it isn't.

Because I mess up.

A lot.

And I get so angry with myself.

And I ask myself questions,

"How could anyone love you?"

"How can you live with your self?"

"Why don't you just get over it?"

But that's why there is grace.

And new days.

And you start moving.

And you start doing things differently.

And you start changing the way you talk to yourself.

And you move.

And you then you let yourself down again.

And then you move.

How do we move? What does it look like to move?

Then right in front of me, this giant meteor streams from the sky, plummets toward the earth, and disappears past the horizon. It was so big I could see the black, red, orange and yellow colors.

And God say's,

"This is how we move Kayla."