Occasionaly fat....again.

I am fat.

Because of this fact I have spent many moments of my life in fear.

Fear of what people think of me.

Fear of trying physical activities.

Fear of the mirror.

Fear of people's comments, stares, and unsolicited opinions.

Fear that I am never going to be loved simply because everyone my whole life has told me that the worse thing about me is that I am fat.

I have recently started watching the TLC special My Big Fat Fabulous Life about a girl who very recently was overwhelmed by an ovarian disease that caused her to gain an enormous amount of weight.

I understand everyone's opinions on the subject.

I understand that some of you feel that I have no self control and need to eat less.

Some of you may feel that I "just need to exercise more."

Some of you may feel that I just make excuses.

I have heard every idea in the book.   

I have heard it from every person in my life.

Friends, family, strangers, co-workers, you know, all the people that deserve to have an opinion.

Some opinions are spoken with love in mind. 

Some are not.

And you know what?

Some of the opinions are probably true.

But our good intentions don't always come across the same way we intended. 

And sometimes people aren't ready to hear your "honesty."

And you don't get to tell people how to feel.

But I have to tell you the worst thing about being fat is feeling un-loved because of how you look.

I have given up on myself several times simply because people have been "honest" with me.

Sometimes you don't have to be honest.

And I am not sitting here with the intent for you to feel sorry for me.

I am sitting here hoping that you see my desire to be treated like a real person with real feelings.

I have never told people this but if someone doesn't want to hang out with me or be my friend, my first reaction is "...it's because I'm fat."

I realize that that is an insecurity and this is partially my fault but why is this an insecurity?

Because for years I have been told "Kayla I am really concerned about your health...."

Which translates to "I have noticed you're gaining weight."

And in the mind of an already anxious brain that  get's turned into "Something is wrong with me."

Why is weight such a sensitive subject???

Because we have made it the worse possible thing you can be in the whole world!!!

We have thrown all of our worth into how we look and how much we weigh.

In the TV show How I Met Your Mother, Barney sleeps with hundreds of women, but "No fatties."

Every single person I know say's "I am such a fatty" after they eat a huge meal. And it's said with such disgust.

And for some reason that's okay.

Let me give you a hint. It's not okay.

I am tired.

I am tired of being told what clothes I can and can not wear.

Why am I terrified that someone would see the fat on my body without clothing??

It's not like you're unsure of what's underneath my clothes. WE ALL KNOW THAT I AM FAT!!

But we say things like "Nobody want's to see that" ABOUT OURSELVES!!!

There was once a lady I met that had lost over 100 pounds and because she lost so much her skin was very loose. There were these guys that we're talking about how now she just looked gross. But before she lost weight she was gross because she was fat.

THERE IS NO WINNING!!!!

I am doomed.

Now I know there is someone sitting out there that really wants to tell me if I want to loose weight I can. And I just have to put my mind to it. But I am going to be honest, I don't want to go through that kind of hell.

I don't have to let any of this hold me back from trying things.

I don't have to put my worth in what I look like.

I want to put my worth in something far less trivial that fat.

I just want to feel loved and liberated to be me and to eat healthy and exercise.

I want to feel free of this societal induced self hatred. 

And most of all I just want to believe that some amazing man is going to fall madly in love with me because of how awesome I am. 

I hope that you take all these confused maybe not accurate feelings and are kind and encouraging to other fat people who also just want to feel loved.

Maybe you can teach your future kids that being fat isn't the worse thing in the world and that eating healthy and getting exercise are great things but they don't have to be the end all option. 

Maybe you can remind them that they deserve love.

Maybe you can make sure they aren't sobbing in the mirror, thinking "No one will ever love me. How could they? Look at me."

Maybe you can make sure that they are don't ever feel un-loved or feel inadequate for everything.

All I am saying is it's exhausting being told how to act, and what to eat, and what to wear, I just want to be myself. So here I am apologizing to myself for the years of self abuse, and letting other people bully me.

You are loved Kayla. You are fat. You are loved. You are beautiful.