Occasional Doubt.

I want to seize the day.

I want to see God where I haven't been looking.

I want to walk out the door, with sure footedness.

I want to be alive.

The steps before me, have already been journeyed.

The lies that pop into my head have no power over who I am and my capabilities.

I am not a slave to my human desires.

I am NOT small.

I walk fully in a light that has conquered total darkness.

The trials of today do not dictate my identity.

The trials of today bring strength and blessings.

There is no place that  I can go that I can not hear what God is telling me.

My insecurities are lies.

I am blessed with way to much to live with a cursed mentality.

I will seize the day.

I will see God where I have not been looking.

I will walk out the door with sure footed faith.

I am alive.

Fully.

The Occasional Brawl.

Life get's hard.

Fast.

And I shut down even faster.

I have to constantly remind myself that I'm human.

I have to constantly remind myself that it's okay that life is hard.

Bring it on.

But I only have that mentality for a little bit.

The truth is, I am terrified of success.

How dumb is that?!?!?

I am terrified of the vulnerability that it takes to arrive at success.

I am terrified of the risk it takes to get to the successful part.

Thank God for friends! Can I get an Amen?

Thank God for the people that remind you who you are.

Thank God for the people who remind you who he is.

It's amazing to me that I can see little tiny pieces of God in every person I meet.

That's how it's supposed to be right?

When things get rough, you're supposed to seek Jesus in everything...?

So why do I forget?

I don't really have an answer for you other than, the human part of me is really selfish.

The Human part of me lusts for quick fixes, and instant solutions.

My Soul desires intentional process.

It craves the sweat of hard work.

It craves an epic fight for survival.

It craves spinach and broccoli.

It craves the goodness in life that only exists after you face fears head on.

But my Human see's all that daunting difficulty ahead, and tugs at the shirt-tails of my soul, and begs her not to go.

My Human and Soul are in constant brawl.

But thank God for Friends.

Can I get an Amen?

Sensitive to the occasion.

It's 12:55 am.

I just sat in my car for an hour.

I was trying to figure out what my deal is.

I was grumpy.

And WAAAAAAY to sensitive.

And then I realized,

I totally know what's wrong with me.

I'm not listening.

I am not existing.

I am planning.

And scheming.

And dreaming.

And there is nothing wrong with those things,

But that's all I am doing.

I'm not leaving any room to exist...

 ...to listen.

We only get one moment at a time.

We don't have very many of of them.

And for some reason, we like to skip through them.

We don't enjoy them.

We don't listen.

We just move through them.

And that sucks.

I'm missing all the ways that God is showing up.

I'm missing every opportunity to love someone.

I forget my relationship with Jesus is not a lecture.

I forget my relationship with Jesus is not just about church.

It's not about how together my life is.

It's an on-going conversation.

It's knowing that God has stepped the steps before me.

It's knowing that God not only loves me, but genuinely LIKES me.

It's knowing that the gift's that God gave me, bring him joy when they are used to their fullest.

It's knowing that God wants me to ask him for silly things.

Not rising to the occasion.

I am SO tired of second guessing myself. 

I am so tired of folding under pressure. 

Not following through. 

I am tired of messing up and then beating myself up. 

I am tired of having a small grasp on greatness and then letting it go, simply because.....

...well...

...I don't know why. 

I honestly couldn't tell you.

Habit maybe?

Because I don't like myself? 

Maybe it's cause I don't trust myself? 

I mean, if history tells us anything, Kayla screw's up a lot. 

So why can't I step up to the occasion? 

Why can't I look at the opportunity dead in the eyes, and refuse surrender or defeat??

I am not the type of person that surrenders easily. 

But I do when an opportunity arises that allows me to be the best "me" that I can be. 

CORNY!!!!

But seriously. 

The second I have an opportunity to show the great part of me...

....I buckle. 

Hard. 

And then I beat myself for buckling. 

Then I beat myself up for beating myself up.

It's a vicious cycle.  

As you've guessed, if you have read my previous posts, I don't ever have answers. 

That's okay.

Tomorrow is a new day! 

I get another opportunity to be the best version of me. 

So let's go. 

Bring it life. 

Mistakes and all. 

 

Occasionally Lonely.

I'm Rehearsing this Play at school called Almost, Maine.

It's about a town in Maine, called Almost. 

Whoa. 

Mind. Blown. 

Just jokes. 

It's about all the people who live in this small town, and how they are all connected by their various types of relationships.

So I am in this one scene, where I play a woman named Marci, and she has a husband and 2 kids and in one of her monologues she tells her husband... 

"...what I don't understand is why I am lonely, I got a husband and a couple of great kids, and I am lonely." 

I guess I really just connect with this line. 

I mean, we all can connect to the idea of being surrounded by people and STILL being lonely. 

How does this happen????

I mean I am in college! 

I have a great roommate. 

I am meeting new people every single day. 

I have friends who LOVE to get coffee and chat one on one with me. 

But I am STILL lonely. 

I think married couples truly understand this more than most people. 

The person that you married is supposed to complete you.

They are supposed to make you feel loved and whole.

And they don't. 

Friends are supposed to be around and love you.

Friends are supposed to be there for you.

And they don't.

Family is supposed to be the place where you fall and they catch you.

And they can't. 

What happens to those of us who aren't married, whose friend's don't understand, whose family just can't be there?

Do not mistake me.  I believe a lot of these problems with other people are really just problems that start in your own heart and work out wards towards other people. 

People are not always going to be there for me. And that's not a bad thing. 

People are not always going to make me whole. 

And if I'm trying to let someone else make me whole, then I am going to wind up empty.

Because we are humans. 

Because we make mistakes.

Because we are selfish.

If I am seeking wholeness and life from someone here on the planet. 

I might feel loved for a moment. 

I might feel loved for a day. 

I might go through a whole season of life feeling loved and full of blessing.

But at some point, Person X, is going to let me down. 

Because I have an expectation of them they can not always live up to, and that's okay.

We shouldn't HAVE to live up to anyone expectations. Not our own or others.

So I am learning to be. 

I am learning to exist. 

I am evolving into someone who stands on firm ground, 

whose self worth and life is not based on the kindness and love of others. 

 

A traveling occasion.

So I'm in this Music History class.

It's really awesome. 

I have a GREAT teacher, awesome class mates, and it just helps that the subject matter is something I am passionate about. 

My GREAT teacher, mentioned something today that blew my mind.

Back in the day, people didn't leave their home town, village, tribe, city, mud house, igloo (I don't know, you get the gist) ever. 

They didn't ever once think "Hey, if I started walking that direction, where would I end up?" 

It wasn't until the Renaissance Era that people started exploring our world, we see early explorers like Magellan and Columbus taking on the world one wrong continent at a time. ;-)  

See up until then, everyone thought the earth was flat and you would fall off the edge of it if you walked far enough. 

We have lots of stories and mythology that talk about the edge of the earth. 

So a thought popped into my head, "In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue."

And of course we know that 1492 happened after Christ. 

Which means people have been traveling the world for less then a millennium. 

So think about all the stories that happened in the Old Testament where people traveled. 

The Israelites, thousands of people just up and leave behind a life of slavery because God told them too. 

Noah, built a freaking ark, because the waves were going to take him somewhere. 

But the earth is flat! 

These people are getting up, and prepared to fall off the edge of the earth.

Obviously, we know the earth is round now, and I can get on a plane and fly just about any where on this planet. 

And I will not fall off. 

But I am terrified. 

And I know the earth isn't flat. 

I know people in other places.

God has promised me so many things. 

But I'm scared. 

I am nervous. 

I don't want to fall off the edge of the earth. 

I have dreams. 

I have my Oscar/Grammy/Golden Globes/Screen Actors Guild Award acceptance speeches planned for goodness sakes! ;-)

I have dreams.

Thinking about what it's going to take to get me there...

I'm going to have to leave Colorado at some point.

I am going to have to take dance lessons.

I am going to have to do so much homework, I won't be able to breathe.

I am going to have to eat and breathe my scripts.

I am going to have to hear rejection after rejection. 

I am going to have to have moments where I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. 

The "traveling" ahead of me, is literal, and figurative. 

I have all these dreams! 

Awesome future plans. 

And they are so exciting. 

And sometimes, really discouraging, because I'll be sitting in my math class, pulling my hair out going "when am I ever going to use this???" 

I mean come on! I'm going to be famous. I can pay someone to do this for me. 

But I am not famous now. 

I am a college student now.

And I like to look forward to the things I want to do and dream about. 

But right now I am a college student. 

My Parting of the Red Sea looks like showing up to class.

My Ark looks like having faith that God will take care of me. 

I don't want to fall of the edge of the earth. 

But if I do...

It'll be an awfully big adventure.