If Christ's Church is a body, I am the eyes that see and cry.
"Most of the time that's all people need is just to be seen and know someone hurts for you."
Well World.
I cry for you a lot.
I'm crying writing this blog.
In fact I just spent the last 20 minutes on the floor in my bathroom, full blown choking I was crying so hard.
I do this every once in awhile.
Cry so hard I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't move, I can't think, I get a headache, I feel like I am about to die, feel like I will never stop crying.
It's always triggered by pain, by this feeling of not being able to fix this shitty ass world, that shitty ass leaders are ruining and there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE MY FRIENDS PROBLEMS GO AWAY BECAUSE THE PEOPLE RUNNING THIS GOD FORSAKEN COUNTRY CARE MORE ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY IS IN THE BANK THAN THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN THIS STUPID ASS COUNTRY WE CALL HOME.
But I digress.
I cry.
I cry because my friends are hurting.
I cry because one more Christian sibling has posted on Facebook some ridiculous, graceless metaphorically line drawn in the sands of the freaking perfect beaches of heaven and said
"Look at me! I am how to be a good christian! I am the perfect example of what it means to be a humble, honest, good christian."
I cry because the God, that for some reason or another I can not shake or seem to ignore, is boiled down to a freaking line.
A list of rules and regulations by which he will rule with an iron white skin fist.
I cry, because for the past week I have been to the doctors office 4 times, with zero results, more bills, and more tests that I can't afford to take.
I cry because if the Church knew what was happening in my heart, they wouldn't want me around.
I cry, because my friends have been told that Jesus doesn't love them because of the way they are.
I cry because there are people that don't care.
I cry, because they can't care.
I cry, because we are in the middle of a social revolution, and I know there are people who will refuse to be my friend after this.
I cry because we as a society have internally been socialized to believe that some people are better than others, and some of you reading this will probably disagree with me and do one of two things, either, disagree with me and pretend nothing is wrong, or you will disagree with me and just disappear into the void.
I cry because there is so much stuff to do, and I just don't know if I can do it.
I cry because I actually believe I will never be loved by another human being.
I cry because I have SO MANY friends who actually believe the same thing about themselves.
I cry because I can't fix that part of our brains that tell us that.
I cry because Jesus can but he's not talking to me.
I cry because Jesus has told me he loves me today 3 times, and for the first time in my life, it's not enough that he loves me.
I cry because I feel abandoned, to cry, to scream out to God
“Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabachthani?”
My God My God why have you forsaken me!?
I cry because I am not being crucified on the cross and here I am doubting the presence of The Spirit in me.
I cry because I want this world to experience what it feels like to live a whole life.
But I cry because we can't show the world what it looks like to live whole lives because we are too busy policing the lives of people who don't love Jesus.
I cry because posting this could get me kicked out of Church.
Not my church, but CHURCH.
I cry because I have friends who literally believe they will catch fire if they walk into church. BECAUSE CHURCH HAS TOLD THEM THIS TIME AND TIME AGAIN.
I cry, because I wish the biggest story in the media right now wasn't the #metoo movement, and that leaders in THE CHURCH, were not actively rooting against these people.
I cry, because the biggest show of support towards the #metoo movement was a bunch of celebrities that THE CHURCH actively speaks out against, were wearing white roses!!
WHERE ARE YOU CHURCH?!?! Where are your white roses?!?
I get it! This post is a massive generalization, but we are one body. We are one people.
We are our weakest links.
I cry. A lot.
But the reality of where I am is that I actually haven't cried in 6 months, because I can't any more.
Anger is too great a burden too bear and there is so much to be angry for.
I cry because small acts of big love, seems tireless and unfruitful.
I cry because I will loose friends over this post, because my anger and dissatisfaction is too much to confront with love and understanding.
So here I am.
Literally on my knees in my bath room crying, because I've bottled up a lot of anger and hurt the past couple of years.
On my knees, because my friends are hurting and I can't help them except for the meaningless notion that I am "there for them."
On my knees begging that Jesus show up.
Fix this.
So tonight, I use my spiritual gift of tears, to say, I see you world, I have no answers, I don't think there are any answers, except to be with each other, cry, and remind each other to hope, even in darkness.
