Occasional self loathing

I hate being in Limbo.

It's 3 weeks between camp and school. 

Don't get me wrong! I love seeing people and being able to have some sense of freedom. 

But when I'm in limbo, I make bad choices, I eat the worst food, I stay up till 4 in the morning and don't wake up till 3 in the afternoon. 

I don't have any sort of rhythm. 

I have no sense of good habits. 

I have no goals, except to make it to the 22nd when I can finally move into my dorm. 

It's as if I can't hold myself accountable. 

I'm not motivated unless I have a schedule.

I feel yucky all the time. 

I get into these weird "everyone hates me" and "I hate myself" moods.

I drink too much and make choices that don't better me but cut me down.

I'm grumpy. And maybe part of that is because my mom and siblings moved, but also, because I simply have no drive. 

It's not going to get better with school unless I change the routine now.

If I don't change it now, it'll seep into my school work. 

So how do I change my attitude when I really don't have anything to do?

This is a rhetorical question. 

This is something I have to ponder.

I really just wanted to put this out there so people know they're not alone. 

I really only blog about my problems, not to complain, but so people know that other people struggle too. 

I think one our biggest problems as a society is we feel alone, because everyone posts the awesome parts of life, and not the real life parts. 

This is real life. 

Sometimes you hate yourself.

Occasional Brokenness.

The spark of imagination always hits me at 2 am.

Right when my hopes and dreams come fluttering through my head.

I dream of all the things I want to be.

All the places I want to go.

All the people I want to meet.

And all the things I want to learn.

And this causes me to look at my life with disdain.

Why can my life not be exciting?

Why can’t I have all the things I dream of now?

See I want all the reward and none of the work.

Someone once told me, “I just want my life to start already.”

I told that person, “Life starts when you tell it to.”

We are in life currently!

Life consists of eating food.

Doctor’s visits.

Dandruff.

Grumpy moods.

Frustrating people.

The DMV.

It consists of waiting at red lights.

Snoring.

Hugs.

Coffee.

Friends who don’t wear deodorant. (You know who I am talking too!)

See I want life to start now!

I want to skip all the school.

Skip paying back my student loans.

Skip the week before finals.

And just be the person that I was meant to be.

I want to arrive at that place, that I was meant to arrive at.

But a wise man once told me,

“Kayla, you never actually arrive.”

You spend your whole life arriving at the place you were meant to be.

I mean when you think about all the crap you’ve been through.

All the times you’ve messed up.

All the times you didn’t deserve that second chance.

The time you hurt your best friend, mother, father, or sibling.

The time you could have given it your all but were too lazy to try.

The times when it feel like the whole world can see everything you’ve ever done wrong in your whole life.

It’s just a whole bunch of arriving.

It’s a whole bunch of hoops and obstacles we have to jump through so that we can continue to arrive.

I wish I could encourage you with some “it get’s better” phrase or pep talk.

But I can encourage you this way,

It does not get better.

Nor will it.

There are going to be amazing times, when you feel like you have lived up to all you can be.

But pain, will always weasel it’s head back in.

And some how as you grow, the pain gets worse.

But! There is so much hope there.

You’ve already been through that pain, and you are capable of walking through it again.

A Story to illustrate.

I worked at this Boy scout camp this summer, and I worked at the lake.

It was 50 degrees Fahrenheit on a good day.

But all the boys had to take a swim test before they could take my kayaking class.

And I always warned the boys, “It’s going to be cold, it’s going to hurt, but if you want the merit badge, you’ll just have to swim through it. Remember to breathe and focus yourself. You are good swimmer and you will not drown. I’m right here.”

And every week I had at least 2 boys freak out and end up needing to be rescued.

I don’t blame them.

Half the time I didn’t want to get in the water.

It was miserable.

But the minute they got in the water they forgot that they could swim.

They forgot to breathe.

They forgot that I was sitting right there ready to rescue them if they went under.

I feel as if I do this every time I am faced with pain.

I know I am going to be okay.

I know everything is going to work out.

I know I am not alone.

Yet still all these lies creep in.

“You’re not worth enough.”

“You can’t do this.”

Breathe.

“Who in their right mind would love you?”

You can swim.

“Why do you do this to yourself!? You’re so stupid!”

I am right here.

“You look so ugly today!”

Breathe.

“Why are you even trying?”

You can swim.

“You are not smart enough.”

Breathe.

“You’re not strong enough.”

You can swim.

“NO one will ever listen to anything you have to say.”

I am right here.

ENOUGH!

My heart screams on a daily basis.

So much past hurt, violence, and brokenness.

Released into the void.

Because I can breathe.

Because I can swim.

Because I am not alone.

Pain has a funny way of making us forget that life is happening right now.

Stress makes us feel as if everything has to be done right now all at the same time, when the reality is; we can only do one thing at a time.

So we live in the moment.

Plan for the future, and let the past be nothing but memories of how we became who we are, but does not define us.

Life is about learning to arrive.

Bangarang.