Occasionally (Mostly) Full of Bologna

Live in the present.

Kayla your mind is so full of thoughts.

What is going to happen?

What are you going to do with your future?

You're never going to make it.

Why do you think you deserve to make it?

Why can't you believe in yourself?

Why do you have to make everything so complicated???

This question....why??

I realized it is a waste of time.

Why do you do the things you do?

Well there are a million an a half answers.

But I feel like the right answer is "cause you do!"

You think the way you think, if you want it to change, you have to just change it.

Kayla! You have the power to change this thought process.

Your words are mute unless followed by actions.

Decide who you want to be and just be that person.

I WANT TO BE ME! But I have no idea who that is!

I have no idea what Kayla looks like, I know she's trying to look awesome, and be awesome, and sound awesome and be this strong powerful woman who is confidant and who empowers other people.

But the honest to God truth is....I'm trying too hard.

I'm pushy.

I talk to much.

I have too large an opinion.

I am not mold-able. 

I have dug my heals into the ground and challenged anyone to move me.

And I'm begging anyone to pull me out of whatever rut I have sunk my feet in.

I've convinced myself that it's going to take a tough person to break my shell, and there is no one who is going to be tough enough.

I have convinced myself that no one will understand me.

I have convinced myself I am alone in this world with my thoughts, and my friends are simply bystanders who put up with me.

I've convinced myself that people aren't worth opening up to.

And part of that is a lack of trust, due to the large amounts of people who have emotionally left my life.

The first sign I see someone putting up a wall, I take it completely personally and shut them out before they can shut me out.  A defense mechanism that makes it all hurt less I guess.

I don't show people the real me, because I am not really sure what that person looks like anymore.

I was asked this week what I am most passionate about.

I know what I am passionate about, but it's hard to put into words.

I am passionate about empowering people. I am passionate about entertaining people.

I am passionate about singing. I am passionate about theater.

Theater.

Where you can make decisions and they have purpose and meaning.

And you can mess up and try it again.

Theater, where you get to create art, with all forms of the definition.

I guess what I am saying is I owe you all an apology.

I am full of crap.

And I have decided that none of you are worth getting to know the real me.

Which is not fair.

To any one.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life in this moment in time.  

I am so grateful for the people in my past.

I am so grateful for the people that have ever loved me and invested time in me, even when they called my bluff, knew I was only being polite and continued to invest and love me anyway.

I think this is the most honest I have been with anyone in a long time. And if this computer was a person, I don't think I would have the guts to say what I have just said, so thank you for allowing me to express myself through such a round about way, and understanding.