Occasionally a Scholar

Today, I was face to face with my future.

It was incredibly daunting.

I saw what house I might live in.

I saw the food I might eat.

The places I might study.

The Career I might have later.

It was terrifying.

I have the the worst fear of auditioning for school.

I have a fear of all the paper work.

All the practicing.

All the nights I will have to spend working, instead of socializing.

I have a fear of the shaping and buffing my character is going to have to take to get to a place where I could even glance at the opportunity at being successful.

I have a fear of being told no.

Because I am going to be. That is just the reality.

People are not going to like the way I look, the way I sound. the way I speak, the clothes I wear, or the way my heart hangs out on my sleeve like a decoration instead of in my chest where people can't see exactly how I feel every single day of my life.

On top of other peoples opinions, I am faced with my own and doubts in myself.

And it all boils down to, how bad do I want this?

I mean the reality is, I could go to CSU, and life would be fine. And I would do well.

And it would be really safe. Everything would go normally.

But if I have learned one things about preforming, it is you have to take a risk.

Right? I have to take a risk? Some big ones.

This is something I can do.

I am learning what it means to be an excellent musician from incredible musicians.

I am learning how to study like a great student.

I am learning to practice, like an excellent performer.

I learning to give myself grace when I make mistakes.

I am learning to work my ass off.

I have the guts to do this, and the drive.

I want this.

I really do.

There is so many time's in my life when I have let myself down.

I overthink things or give into the lazy side of me.

I am done with that life.

I am receiving a college education.

I am a strong person.

I am a caring person.

I am a kind person.

I deserve to treat myself with respect.

I deserve to work hard to reach my goals.

I have an incredible support system, and even if I didn't I could STILL do and be all these things.

I realize my blog tends to repeat itself with me, reminding myself, who I am.

But I have to keep doing it.

I forget so easily.

I have day's like today, and begin to tremble with fear.

I get piles of homework, and begin to doubt, why I am even in school in the first place.

I get so down on myself, in every way.

Bare with me everyone, these are my pep talks in attempt at rising to the occasion.

Because I will rise to the occasion. Right now. I am working hard at being a scholar.

I am working hard at being a great friend.

I am working at being honest.

I am working hard to plan for the future, by being present in the now.

Be present.

Work hard.

Watch me rise.

Watch me fall.

Either way, I will have the greatest adventures, meet the greatest people, see the greatest places, have the greatest food, and will have lived the greatest life.

A wise man once said...

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

Dr. Seuss