Occasionally I am an inconvenience.

The last 2 days have been too intense for me.

I left Harrisburg PA. at 230 am on Friday morning, and arrived in denver at 8am.

That same night I drove to Estes Park to be in my dear friend Emily's Wedding. (literally the best wedding I have ever been too, sorry everyone.)

The night of the wedding though, I started not being able to breathe. I had noticed a week ago that my breathing was off and something was wrong.

I didn't sleep at all after the wedding because my chest pains and breathing was so bad so I went to the ER first thing in the morning.

I got there and was overwhelmed with test after test.

EKG's, my blood drawn 3 times, an IV, a CT scan(with weird dye that they put in you that makes you warm and feel like you peed yourself lol) several chest x-rays, and this weird test they did on my blood to see if there was a chance of clots. I did a breathing treatment. and was strapped into all the wires.

Every time I moved I got tangled, and more and more anxious.

I couldn't do anything.

I couln't find a comfortable position to lie or sit.

I couldn't reach my water glass or my phone when I dropped it.

I had to call a nurse to help me sit my bed up. Something I am perfectly capable of doing myself.

As the Dr continued to pour out tests and more dr appointments I needed and prescriptions, my anxiety kept rising.

I have pneumonia.

One more thing, that I have to rely on other people, and rest and everything outside of my own control to fix.

I just was sitting in the hospital bed overwhelmed with the idea that I am the worlds largest inconvenience.

People have to take care of me.

People have to look out for who I am.

I am not capable of looking out for me. I have to rely on everyone.

Because I get things like EVERY respiratory illness every mentioned.

I have really short arms and can't reach ANYTHING.

I can't remember things.

I don't have health insurance.

I am an emotional wreck all the time.

I just kept thinking, way to start the fall semester Kayla.

Good job.

You really know how to go out with a bang.

I just would never be that mean to anyone.

I would never tell a student or a team mate or a friend any of those things.

I love taking care of the people in front of me.

I am so grateful I get the honor of loving some of the coolest people in the whole world.

But why is it so hard for me to let people care about me?

I am an inconvenience.

Unless you're the person in my line at Starbucks that wants me to remake their drink because you ordered a latte 160 degrees and this is 170 degrees, cause you can tell, then I don't really think you are an inconvenience at all.

I'm very tired.

I'm tired of pretending I have my shit together even tho it is so clearly not together.

Everyone cast thine eyes upon my giant pile of shit and see that is full!

...and yet. Here I am pretending. I have it all together.

Dumb.

I'm so tired.

I miss my team.

I miss that we took care of each other, and it didn't feel like a burden.

I miss the community of Harrisburg.

They know what it looks like to help each other out.

I am mostly just scared to trust that God has a plan for me.

I am mostly scared that I am going to fail in his plan...again...and be a huge inconvenience....again.

I know I know I know.

Kayla! you are such a light every where you go!

The world is so lucky to have you!

People everywhere are blessed and seen by you.

I know.

But why don't I feel blessed by myself?

Why do I just feel like a huge burden to myself??

Why do I not know how to advocate for myself?

Why do I not know how to take care of myself?





I drove into Denver today, saw my starbucks, saw my school, my train station, some of my homeless people, my favorite burrito place, the sketchy Burger King next door, and breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I belong here.

This is my community.

I am responsible for these people and they are responsible for me.

I can advocate for myself so I can advocate for them.

I can take care of myself so I can take care of them.

I just need so much Jesus.

I need to be reminded all the time that I walk in the fullness of his spirit, and that there is a plan.

I need to remind myself that the space I take up is holy.

It is purposeful.

It is light.

I need to remind myself that faithfulness is not a belief but an action.

I need to remind myself that my self care is not about me.

It is about this world and being an example of goodness here on this planet.

I miss Harrisburg so much, and all I could think in the hospital was how much I missed my team and I wished I wasn't alone, but sometimes, loneliness is your greatest ally.  It forces you to hang out with yourself and learn about who you are.

So. May the spirit of love surround who you are, opening and softening your heart to the provision of the spirit.

May you walk in the fullness of the presence of Jesus in your life knowing you were created for a purpose and for his delight.

May the lies of inadequacy, inconvenience, and shame have no place in your life.

May you walk forward with tenacity, ferocity, love, compassion, and a heart that is open to learning.

And when you fail, may you choose to try again.

You are not an inconvenience.

You are the reason this world is.