Occasionally.

I'm supposed to be doing end of the summer paper works for YouthWorks.....but uhhh....here I am writing a blog because well...we all know how I am.

This summer has been INSANE.

This summer started in December when I turned down a job, I applied for,  from Youthworks.

I can not tell a lie, I turned it down because my pride was hurt.

It was my third year with YouthWorks, I am 27 years old and they offered me my old job of Ministry Coordinator again.

Don't get me wrong I LOVE that job.

I think its possibly the most important role on a YouthWorks site(I'm a little biased)

I just felt I am capable of much more leadership. I feel like as a 27 year old, I should be able to lead as a Site Director after 2 years on the job.

In my pride, and confusion and to be totally honest, in my hurt and feelings of rejection, I turned down the offer.

I felt like this might mean that God had something else in store for me if my heart wasn't going to be in serving him in that position with YouthWorks.

So I started looking for a second job and a new house and it just wasn't working out.

I was starting to get anxious about how I was going to to take care of myself. Again.

But God had something else in store.

It was the night Training started for YW and I was at church getting snapchat after snapchat of how excited people were to be back with YW.

The speaker at church started speaking on the Lords Prayer.

The Lords Prayer was the theme for the first year I was with YW in 2015 in New Orleans.

We talked about how God sustains us. That is what it means when they say "give us our daily bread"

God sustains us and takes care of our needs.

In that moment I was overwhelmed by my disobedience to God's provision of a place to live, food to eat and a job to pay my bills in December when I was offered the job at YouthWorks.  

God said "I have already provided all these things for you and you have turned them down."

I felt ashamed and I called a friend and asked her if I was being a flake if I asked for my job back.

She said "Kayla, I can't tell you that."

She was right.

This was between me and God and no one else.

I needed to trust that he had a plan. I needed to stop pretending I had any sort of control over my situation.

Even if you have no belief in a Creator or Spiritual Being in the sky.

We cannot pretend to have any sort of control of the things that life will throw at us, and pretending that we do, is our greatest weakness.

But I believe in the Creator.

I believe that he turns the earth using gravity, and he makes the flowers grow using water.

I believe he brings the dead to life, and makes all things good.

I believe that we freedom of choice.

I believe that we make a lot of really great choices in our lives.

I also believe we make a lot of bad choices.

But the thing about God is that he takes our choices, bad and good, and he makes them pretty freaking great.

So I e-mailed my pal Phil and Phil said, "You can come tomorrow if you want. We still have some places to fill. I had to tell him that I had my sisters graduation and that she was the last of 6 to graduate from high school. There was NO way I was missing that!

Phil told me that Late Start Training started right after my sisters graduation so I went on vacation with my family and got a flight out of Charlotte straight to Minneapolis, where I was prepared to not be told where I was going or what I would be doing all summer.

I was in Minneapolis Minnesota for about 36 hours. They told us what role we would be doing, they gave a quick training and said we would be heading out the next day! We would find out our placement that morning.

YouthWorks has 69 sites in the United States plus one in Canada and one in Puerto Rice. So I could be any where, except Canada and Puerto Rico, cause I am not Canadian and I do not speak Spanish, but the idea is nice. =)

As the anticipation rose, and I kept telling God I was prepared to go anywhere I was needed, I kept asking, "please make me a spirit of rest for whatever team I come into contact with." I knew in this that God would sustain me wherever I was headed.

My pal Phil bought us all chipotle and sat us down to tell us where we were finally going for the summer, and I was so excited to open that freaking envelope, you would have thought that I was getting a very large sum of money in that thing.

I opened it up and the word HARRISBURG made my heart stop.

This is where I had served last year, and had fallen in love with the community.

I had literally felt like any chance of going back to this place was impossible, simply because my teammate from last year, Aaron, had already spoken up that he wanted to be the site director for this year.

Youthworks has never put two people from the same team back on the same team. They prefer to spread out the experience, so everyone can learn.

This was REALLY something out of the ordinary and REALLY out of the blue.

So I have spent the whole summer in this city I love with my friend Aaron, making new friends, kayaking on the Susquehanna River, and falling even more in love with the people of Harrisburg.

I have fallen so much in love I really feel like God has called to move to Harrisburg. I feel like there is a reason I am back here.  I feel like God is presenting me with an opportunity to start fresh and move out. To become a new person. The details are too precise for there not to be a reason I am back in Harrisburg.

However,

I also feel like God is calling me to Denver. I feel like he is calling me to the new church I have been attending. I feel like he is calling me to be a barista at the particular Starbucks on Colfax and Kalamath I work at. I feel like he is calling me to the Theatre Department as MSU. I feel like he has called me to work hard there in Denver.

But also,

I feel like both of these things are the right things. Both answers are the correct answer. What I actually think is happening, is that God is calling me to choose one, pick one, and be faithful in those places.

It doesn't really matter where I live or what I am doing.

The goal is always the same.

Love Jesus Love others.

Take responsibility for your mess.

Live your life like the God of the Universe actually came back to life!

So, how do you choose between two things that are so good?

Going to Harrisburg would be such a sigh of relief. I have failed a lot in Denver, and it would be a nice clean break from that failure. It's also MUCH cheaper to live here in the Burg, I could probably not be homeless.

But Denver, my friends and family live so close, and this new church is the BEST and there are so many future plans with it! I feel like Denver is MY city. I take responsibility for these people.

How do you choose between those things?

I don't know!

But I feel in my heart that I need to finish what I started in Denver.

There is so much of God pulling me towards Harrisburg. It's hard to say it's the wrong answer because it is probably the right answer.

I feel very torn in all the directions.

I feel confused.

I feel a little ashamed that my heart feels the way it does.

But my job is to be faithful in the places God has put me, no matter the place.

My job is to love Jesus, and love the people around me.

"I've seen many searching for answers far and wide, and I know we're all searching for answers only you provide, and you know just what we need before we say a word."

I was discussing today with one of my teammates, what it looks like to have a relationship with Christ, and often times, especially when we are in leaderships roles, we believe it looks like having our lives together, and pretending to be really great at what we do. Pretending we have control over what we are supposed to be doing.

But the reality is is that when we are on a team, we have people that point out our messes, and our weaknesses, and we can either deny them or we can say "Okay Jesus, here's my mess."

Walk in the mess. Take responsibility for our mess and try again.

It's okay to be afraid that we are going to fail.

It's okay that we will probably never get it perfectly.

What's not okay, is not trying at all.

So here I am in Harrisburg PA for the second summer in the row, because God is insane and I have no idea what he wants from me except to love his people.

I cannot wait to move back to Denver.

I cannot wait to have coffee with ALL THE PEOPLE.

If you're wondering if it's you it probably is you.

Also, I cannot wait to chill with a glass of Seagrams 7 on the rocks. LOL YouthWorks makes you sign a contract, which I totally understand. But still...

I can't wait to have all the hugs.

I can't wait to be back in my Starbucks, with my green apron and free coffee.

I can't wait to be back to class.

I can't wait to ride the train. (driving all the places in exhausting)

I want to come back to Harrisburg next summer as Site Director and see what God does with that.

I can't wait to see what God does with school.

I cannot wait to see what God does with my mess. How is he going to restore these things?

I'm prideful.

I'm selfish.

I am scared of everything.

I don't trust that God has a plan.

I don't love everyone the way they deserve to be loved.

And I am super freaking lazy a lot.

So here is to my decision.

May I walk in to it with strength.

With hope.

With the Spirit of the Lord flaring out of every part of me.

May I practice well and hard.

May I take criticism with love.

May I grow more dependent on who God is.

And lastly may I grow more at peace with my mess, trudging through it with tenacity and intentionality.

It is the faithful diligence of a single step a day that get's us through life.

I am a force to be reckoned with.

I am the chosen one. I am a city not forsaken.

My name is written on a scroll in heaven, and Jesus calls me by name.

I am filled with the spirit of the Lord.

I have been created to do and will do great things.

Me and my mess, we please the Lord.

I will sail the raging ocean, and drowned in the waves of chaos, and I will not be moved.

I am the chosen one. I am a city not forsaken.

He knit me together before I was even thought of here on earth.

He walks with me in every decision, every pain, every moment of fear and uncertainty.

I am whole and complete in who he has created me to be.

I am not longer forgotten or forsaken, but I was chosen for this life. I was chosen for a purpose.

So here I step out in uncertainty, and the wild stories that Jesus has me living.

May we learn to drown in the gray weird space that is not black or white, but completely and fully the overwhelming grace of God.

May you experience the fullness of his presence.

My life is already and insane story, I can't think of how it will get better, but he has promised it will.

Shalom and Namaste my loves.

You are loved more fiercely than you will ever realize.