Occasionally a Spinster

With everyone my age getting married and having children.

I feel incomplete.

I feel as if I am doing something wrong.

I feel like everyone does....alone.

It's hard being alone.

And people in the world always tell you "encouraging things" like..

"You're not alone, you've got me."

"One day, the right person will come along."

And your heart goes.

"Yea but I don't want to make out with you."

and

"The Right person isn't going to come along. I'm going to be alone, watching all you fools get engaged and married, with my 3 cats and sugar free ice cream so I can pretend I eat healthy, for the rest of life."

And your relatives at family reunions ask "when you're next?"

and they all ask you one at a time so you have to repeat your sad excuses 15 times.

"I'm really trying to work on myself right now."

"I'm really trying to focus on God right now."

"I go to a junior college where the guys are 18 and 19 and I really don't feel like robbing the cradle."

And God tells you,

"My Love, be patient."

And you then you watch Castle and *SPOILER ALERT*






they FINALLY get married!

And you ask yourself why are you so in love with their relationship??

It's not even real.

It is literally made up in some writer's imagination.

And you've read too many books where the heroine falls in love.

And the hero swoops in.

Or in the hunger games case, she swoops in to the rescue.

And you start realizing all your expectations of what love looks like is fake.

It's based off of how many people you know who have had relationships that ended in divorce.

It's based of dystopian societies.

And hollywood fantasies.

It's based off of this haunting desire to not be alone.

And we keep telling ourselves that one day we'll be with someone and everything will be better.

We're lying to ourselves.

Please hear me out.

I am not saying that marriage can not be awesome and fulfilling.

But we're relying on other people in marriage.

And if there is one thing I have learned in my 25 years, it's that people let you down.

Especially the ones closest to you.

That's what I am craving?

I'm craving to be in a relationship with someone who is going to let me down?

I am craving a relationship with a person I am probably going to fight with more than anyone?

Yes.

I am.

And so is the rest of the world.

We want to be fought for.

We want to be heard

 and understood.

and loved.

and appreciated.

and wanted.

and know we are thought of by someone everyday.

So what do we do while we wait?

How do we keep hope?

How do we live in the moment?

How do we stop viewing marriage as an arrival?

How do stop viewing it as an end goal?

Because I don't want the fact that I am married or single be my identity.

Sure, it's part of it. My perspective on life/this subject will be different in 10 year if/when I am married.

But I don't want my identity, my drive, my everything, to be about when I am going to be married.

I want to live. and thrive.

And go on adventures.

Learn how to fix things by myself.

Learn how to be the best me I can be.

And I don't want these goals to stop when I am married.

I want my identity to continue to be one that wants adventure, and to learn to fix things.

I want to learn to be the best me I can be when I am married too.

I like to think that I am on a hike.

And marriage is just when someone step in front of you on the path and says "hey! Lets do this together!"

Do you move to a different path?

Do you stay on the same path you were originally on?

I think that's a choice you make when you cross that bridge.

So here I am, hanging out with my dogs.

Blogging.

Making muffins.

Watching Castle.

Waiting for someone to cross my path.

This part of life is very interesting.

It's weird, messy and awkward.

At times I feel like an old maid when I see all these 18 year olds getting married.

And at times I feel like a child when I see all the 22 years olds graduating from college.

I like who I am some days.

And Hate who I am other days.

Somedays I am honest.

Most days I am full of crap.

But today,

I am patient.

Today, I am living the dream.

Today I am focused.

Today I am productive.

Today I messed up.

Today I made great choices.

Today I was a sinner.

Today I was a saint.

Today I was angry.

Today I was joyous.

Today I was an old maid.

Today I was a child.

Today was an occasion and I only half rose to it.

But Tomorrow is a new occasion.

Thank the Lord.

I just want to live life fully in the moment, excited for the future, focused on the now, and forgiving the past.