The Musical Occasion.

I'm majoring in Music, studying vocal performance.

And I am having a very difficult time.

I mean I love going to choir and voice lessons.

I love my director, my fellow musicians, and my vocal coach.

But every time I sing I can't help but think how awesome everyone else is and how badly I suck.

I'm missing notes, rests, counts, I called an A an H(what the...?), I can't sing my harmonies, I'm lacking breathing technique, and vocal placement.

And that all might sound like a dead language from the depths of the amazon to some of you, but here's my point...

...I suck at singing.

Please don't mistake me.

I am a great singer.

I LOVE to sing. Ask anyone of my friends. I LOVE it.

But I suck.

See I have this dire need to be perfect.

I have this dire need to be able to download a song into my brain and instantly know how to sing it.

Perfectly.

Like the Matrix.

Because of this need, when I don't sing a song perfectly I get so nervous and I can't sing anything at all.

Then I beat the crap out of myself and stop trying.

Just thinking about those moments in class make me vomit a little.

One time my friend Katie Mai (Who is an incredible artist! Facebook stalk her! you won't regret it!)  Said, "I'm finding more and more that art isn't about the end product, it's about the process."

I know right?! She's absolutely brilliant!

I guess I want the product more than I want the process.

Which is why I suck.

Because I don't want to put in the time or the effort to be a phenomenal singer.

I just want the end stuff.

Which probably wouldn't be as awesome without the hard work, tears, and frustrations.

Because without those things, it's not real.

Because real life is messy. At least mine is.