Occasionally fat.

So life is funny.

Things like to happen unexpectedly.

And the more life happens the more I learn to just roll with it and not let it dictate how I feel about myself.

Life happened last week, when my living situation changed suddenly due to a VERY dramatic misunderstanding.

So finding myself with no living space, I couldn't work at the jobs I had lined up for the summer, and had no place to go, I became very familiar with the term couch surfing.

I already knew I had amazing friends, but I have waaaaay more amazing friends than a single person deserves.

Working at Boy Scout Camp just kind of fell into my lap again.

So I am teaching kayaking and canoeing on the lake.

Gettin' my tan on...er burn on. #gingerlife

This camp is really large, and because we have such mass quantities of young boys we have to walk all of this place.

And live in tents.

And with the bears and mountain lions. Oh my.

I have to climb into a canoe from the surface of the lake, without touching the bottom.

And I don't know if any of you have noticed, but I am not the most physically fit individual to walk the planet.

So this summer is bringing up a lot of fear.

(It also doesn't help that a grown ass man randomly walked by me the other day and called me a fat ass, for no apparent reason.)

So I'm facing all these doubts, lies, and shame.

I've never really been one to open up in seriousness about my weight with people, but here I am.

I could go on this huge rant about why our society puts all this shame in the weight that I am.

I could tell you all the medical problems that have cause me to get to this place that I am.

I could cry and tell you I just wish I could lose weight.

But all those things seem...silly.

I do wish I could lose weight.

I do have medical issues that make me the weight I am.

And I do think our society has helped mentally enslaved those of us with extra weight.

Lots of people might think those things are excuses.

But I live in those realities, I don't see them as excuses.

But I don't see them as barriers either.

They are part of life.

I'm going to struggle walking up hill all summer.

I am going to struggle to continue eating healthy.

I am going to struggle with the names and the (sometimes in my head) stares.

I am going to continue to be myself regardless of what people think of me.

I am going to continue loving people even through all the doubt and fear.

I am going to acknowledge the lies and the fear, and not let them control how I feel about myself.

I've changed a lot about myself this past year.

But it's hard, when you see the changes you are making and you are working hard, but it seems you have nothing to show for it.

That's when the lies and doubt creep up.

Lie's like...

How could anyone love you?

You'll never make it the whole summer.

Why would you even try?!

You might as well not even eat healthy, it can't help.

Ha. Those lie's though.

You say them out loud and they seem so silly.

Move along you silly lies.

Oh man. The struggle though.

I don't think I am alone.

These lies only have weight when I let them.

How cool is that?

I have control over that.

That is empowering.

I think it was just practice that got me to a place where I can acknowledge those lies and not let them become truths.

I think it's going to take more practice this summer.

Anyways. That's where I'm at.

The struggle is real, as my classmates would say.

But it's a struggle I can't/don't have to handle on my own.